Derrick Rose is a human with a cell phone so I sent him some text messages.

Me: Derrick, what’s good? It’s Shea.
Derrick: Hello.
Me: What’s the word, man?
Derrick: What do you mean?
Me: Well, I mean, the season’s about to start. How’s the knee?
Derrick: Feels good. Almost 100 percent.
Me: Almost? Dang.
Derrick: Dang what?
Me: Because didn’t that happen in, like, 1997 or something?
[No response.]
Me: I figure by now you probably could’ve just grown a new leg.
[No response.]
Me: Or maybe even built a metal leg or whatever.
[No response.]
Me: It’s just been a really long time, it feels like.
[No response.]
Me: You’re like Wolverine with his healing powers, but except the opposite.
[No response.]
Me: Derrick?
[No response.]
Me: Derrick’s knee?
[No response.]
Me: Anyone?
[No response.]
Me: All right, cool. TTYL

Me: Derrick Rose.
Derrick: Yes.
Me: Did you know that I actually tore my MCL before?
Derrick: How would I have known that?
Me: I don’t know. I figured it was on ESPN.
Derrick: It wasn’t.
Me: Oh.
Me: Well, but yeah. Some guy fell on me after I dove after a loose ball. The insides of my knee turned to goop. The doctor literally said that the MCL “exploded.”
Derrick: Really?
Me: Yeah. He was like, “Tell me if this hurts,” then started wiggling my leg around.
Me: I was like, “YEAH, DUDE! THAT HURTS, OK ARE YOU EVEN A REAL DOCTOR?”
Derrick: When was that?
Me: Probably like 2007.
Derrick: Oh. So you’ve still got a year or two of rehab then?
Me: … dude

Me: I read this quote the other day from you.
Derrick: Yeah?
Me: Yeah. What with it media day and all or whatever, there’s lots of NBA stuff in the news right now.
Derrick: OK
Me: In the story you were talking about how even if it was your mom that was playing against you, you’d try to destroy her.
Derrick: Yeah
Me: Is that true?
Derrick: Yes
Me: But like FOR REAL for real?
Derrick: Yes
Me: I couldn’t.
Derrick: No?
Me: No way. I mean, I used to live inside her, bro. I’m not gonna cross her over and then be like, “ha-ha dumb shit.”
Me: Do you ever think about that?
Derrick: What?
Me: That you used to live inside your mom
Derrick: ??
Me: Weird, right?
Derrick: What are you even talking about?
Me: YOU WERE JUST ONCE SWIMMING AROUND INSIDE OF YOUR MOM
Me: OH MY GOD I THINK I’M GONNA DIE
Me: GROSS GROSS GROSS I HOPE MY MOM NEVER CALLS ME AGAIN
Me: DERRICK, HELLO ARE YOU THERE?
[No response.]
Me: Hello?
[No response.]
Me: Dude
[No response.]
Me: OK, all right, good luck this season tell your knee I said what’s up.