Carmelo Anthony is a human with a cell phone so I sent him some text messages.

Me: Yo, yo, Melo.
Carmelo: hey
Me: so you’re gonna be a free agent then, huh?
Carmelo: ha. Yeah.
Me: yeah. I saw that news clip. That’s … that’s something.
Carmelo: ???
Me: well, I mean, because why are you doing it?
Carmelo: just to
Me: oh
Carmelo: I want that experience
Me: what experience?
Carmelo: … um, I don’t know.
Me: I think you just like saying experience
Me: do you want to leave new york?
Carmelo: I love new york

Me: OK sure but that’s easy to say. I told my first real girlfriend that I loved her so much but then I tried to get every other girl I ever saw during that time to show me her boobs.
Me: is it money?
Carmelo: I can always use more
Me: don’t you make like 20 million a year or whatever
Carmelo: 23 next year
Me: dude. Unreal.
Carmelo: ?? why?
Me: OK, so let’s say you play all the minutes of 82 games.
Carmelo: I definitely don’t do that.
Me: I know. but let’s pretend you do. That would mean you literally make right about $350,000 for every hour of professional basketball that you play.
Carmelo: yeah
Me: YEAH? You write back “yeah”?
Carmelo: yeah
Me: do you know how much I make an hour? 24
Carmelo: 24 thousand an hour isn’t terrible. It isn’t great but it isn’t terrible.
Me: bro. no. 24. JUST 24. I make $24 an hour.
Me: $24/hour
Me: twenty four
Me: TWENTY FOUR, CARMELO
Me: that’s two dozen one-dollar bills
Me: did you even know they make one-dollar bills?
Carmelo: I actually did OK
Me: you saw one once?
Carmelo: yes
Me: where?
Carmelo: a homeless man outside the stadium had a fistful of them. I asked my manager what they were. My other manager was like, “they’re dollars.” I thought they were special hobo dollars, like from the government or obama
Me: … I gotta go, bro

Me: do you remember after when you won the national championship at Syracuse you were giving a speech and the crowd was chanting “one more year, one more year” and you were like, “why are you all asking for one more year? Isn’t college four years?”
Carmelo: yeah
Me: and then the crowd went nuts
Carmelo: :')
Me: but then the nba draft came and you were like, “peace out, bitches”
Me: that was pretty cool
[No response.]
Me: all right cool. ttyl.

Me: $350,000 an hour
Carmelo: still?
Me: it’s going to take me more than seven years to earn what you earn in an hour
Carmelo: you’re not me
Me: we have the same number of championships
[No response.]
Me: we both had zero assists or points or appearances in the Eastern Conference finals last year
[No response.]
Me: hello?
[No response.]
Me: OK. Cool. All right. ttyl. Good luck this season.