Arian Foster Wants to Free the Cats

Would you like to go a journey with Arian Foster? It involves a series of tweets, and I’m sorry about that up front. Articles full of tweets are usually miserable, so if you want to get out now, go for it. But there’s a higher purpose here. A cause, a calling.

It started last night.

I was on a flight, sitting on the runway, when I saw the Texans running back come through with what might be one of the greatest athlete tweets of all time. We should put this in the NFL Hall of Fame.

That emerged after an earlier discussion of Fox News and liberals and Foster not taking any one side in the battle. But the context is irrelevant. It’s just important that it happened. All the stupid puns about white power and Aryan Nation? They were all worth it, because they were all just setting us up for that. It’s like his whole life was building up to that joke. If we’re lucky, we’ll never hear about “libertarians” again without thinking Arian Foster minus the libert.

But that was just the intro. That’s what hooked me in.

Then I was still sitting on the runaway, and I started scrolling through the rest of his timeline. So next I see him encounter an insufferable hater, because the Internet is full of insufferable haters:

How should we deal with this?

It’s funny because it’s true.

Even his cat probably hates him.

Which, hey, while we’re on the subject … let’s dig deeper.

Wait. One more word from the worst person in the world.

And now back to Arian Foster.

I don’t know if he was referring to that specific guy’s cat or all cats everywhere, but either way, IT’S TRUE. One of his followers tweets him a video explaining that science supports his Twitter jokes.


So we keep going.

This is getting good.

This is becoming impossible to argue with.

Hey, is that Larry Fitzgerald?

Cool. Right around this time, Arian starts to realize he’s poked a hornets’ nest. People who love cats will NOT go quietly.

But the cat people have to accept the truth.


That cat would be shooting poison at the camera if her biology supported it. Then, look at the photo in the top right corner here; that’s a prisoner:

This is a cry for help. This calls for an intervention:

Now back to Larry Fitzgerald.

This is quickly becoming my favorite Twitter exchange of all time. The best tweets of all are the cat people who are dead serious. Like Mr. Meowzermix here:

Or Mr. Cat Avatar:

Cat people really think like this. Are you a cat person? Admit it, then. This is how you rationalize having less fun with your cat than the rest of us have with dogs. It’s OK. It’s kind of endearing.

It’s like a second layer of Stockholm syndrome. The cat becomes your prisoner, and then eventually you become prisoner of the cat, too. Just know that Arian Foster sees all of this happening.


Look at the thriller cat.

Next time someone complains about the NFL’s lawless culture and tells you about Michael Vick and dogfighting, tell them about Arian Foster trying to free the cats.

It’s a cause we should all be considering.

This cat’s eyes don’t lie.

Arian Foster doesn’t lie.

We could’ve written more about the NBA playoffs today, but no. What’s more important than cats’ rights? Now it’s Memorial Day weekend, and it’s up to you to carry the message. Have a great day and #FREE #THE #CATS.

Filed Under: NFL, Arian Foster, Cat People, Larry Fitzgerald, Free The cATS

Andrew Sharp is a staff editor at Grantland.

Archive @ andrewsharp