The Teen Choice Awards: The Teens Have Spoken. Here Is What They Had to Say.

Kevin Winter/Getty

The teens have spoken yet again with the airing of the 2014 Teen Choice Awards. And if you thought they spoke loudly last year, just know that 2013 teens have nothing on 2014 teens.

But first:

TEENS! (Ariana Grande is 21; Ian Somerhalder is 35.)

Divergent had a huge night, winning four surfborts. One of those surfborts even beat itself (Ansel Elgort over Theo James for Choice Movie Breakout Star). That’s mostly because Elgort was also in The Fault in Our Stars, which won seven surfborts. It seems as if the teens have spoken on Theo. And he’s no Ansel Elgort!

Hemsworth or Hutcherson? More like Hemsworths Plural or Hutcherson Singular. Spoiler alert: The answer is still Josh, according to teens. Hutcherson took home Choice Movie Actor: Sci-Fi/Fantasy, in a category with the brothers Hemsworth, Andrew Garfield, and Chris Evans. Take that, Oceania!

Is Jennifer Lawrence still America’s Sweetheart? Not according to teens, because here comes Shailene. Lawrence won for Choice Movie Actress: Sci-Fi/Fantasy, but came up short in two other categories, both to Shailene Woodley. And one of those was Choice Movie Liplock. Looks like Shailene and Ansel are the ones CATCHING FIRE!

What a year for vampires, say teens everywhere. Vampire-related properties earned 10 nominations between The Vampire Diaries and Vampire AcademyThe Vampire Diaries proved to be the most popular, winning four surfborts, only losing to itself (Ian over Paul, Nina over Kat) and Teen Wolf. But that’s OK, #Vampirers, because Teen Wolf also lost to The Vampire Diaries. So who reigns supreme, according to teens? Wolves or vampires? It’s too close to call. Either way, SOMEBODY’S GETTING BIT! BY A PIECE OF FOLKLORE!

The teens nominated nine actors from Pretty Little Liars for surfborts. Of the Liars, Ashley beat Shay for Choice Summer TV Star: Female and Lucy beat Troian for Choice TV Actress: Drama. Speaking of drama: THIS!

Have the teens moved on from One Direction? I’ll give you one hint. NO! The boys from England beat some of everyone en route to eight surfborts, from Fifth Harmony to The Vamps to 5 Seconds of Summer to Katy Perry to Beyoncé and Jay Z to Zac Efron to Justin Timberlake to Ian Somerhalder. They had no mercy, beating Rixton in Choice Music Group and The #Harmonizers (Dan Harmon diehards) in Choice Fanatic Fans. 1D even won Choice Male Hottie. AND THE CATEGORY IS SINGULAR!

The teens still love sports, and this year, it was LeBron James and Serena Williams they love the most. But perhaps the biggest shocker: a nomination for Meryl Davis in Choice Female Athlete but no Charlie White in Choice Male Athlete. What, you thought the teens would just automatically let both in? Heck no. These are teens we’re talking about. And nothing screams betrayal to the teens like getting engaged to someone who isn’t famous. In case you didn’t think they noticed, Charlie, you were wrong. THE TEENS NOTICED. AND NOW THEY HATE YOU! THEY HATE YOU FOREVER!

But even though music and television and movies and sports matter to teens, nothing’s more important than the Internet. Nothing! And if the teens’ voices were the loudest anywhere, it was in the Internet categories. Intense doesn’t even begin to describe it. Bethany Mota tried to go 2-for-2, but after winning Choice Web Star: Female, she came up short to Zoella in Choice Web Star: Fashion/Beauty. The same went for Cameron Dallas, besting Matt Espinosa, Jack and Jack, Shawn Mendes, and even Lele Pons for Choice Viner, but losing to Tyler Oakley in Choice Web Star: Male. (T.O. also won for Choice Web Collaboration with Troye Sivan for “The Boyfriend Tag.”) Don’t feel too bad for Shawn Mendes, however, because he did capture the Choice Web Star: Music surfbort, which must have been a huge shocker for everyone who supports Boyce Avenue. Our2ndLife obviously won for Choice Web Star: Comedy, and, as if anyone questioned it, PewDiePie took down Tiffany Garcia, Joey Graceffa, iJustine, and Toby Turner for Choice Web Star: Gaming.

As for Michelle Phan, she didn’t win anything, a sign that perhaps the teens feel their voices have already been heard vis-à-vis Michelle Phan.

All 89 categories can be seen here, and I suggest you read the list thoroughly. Because the teens have spoken. Eighty-nine times. And that number is prime. Which, trust me, isn’t a coincidence. Trust me!

Filed Under: Awards, Teen Choice Awards, One Direction, divergent, The Vampire Diaries, shailene woodley, Pretty Little Liars

Rembert Browne is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ rembert