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SGW Quote of the Day archive

Quote of the Day

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“I’m not the most aggressive person as far as like, ah, sort of bonding with people. You know, I’m pretty uncomfortable with any kind of, you know, human interaction.”
— John Gulager, Project Greenlight’s director for Season Three

“I’m blessed to have great friends, and there are a lot of men in my life who’ve been more than just friends.”
— Jim Nantz in the April 2005 Golf Digest

“We’ll see how the game goes. If they’re scoring, keep feeding them. If they’re missing, then I’ll do me. That’s talent. I’m multitalented. Like Bo Jackson!”
— Gilbert Arenas answering a question about whether he would be a distributor or a scorer against the Bulls tonight

“It’s better than my wedding ring. You can always get wedding rings.”
— Johnny Damon on receiving his 2004 World Series ring

“If I tell you something, will you promise not to put it in the column? When we were in Vegas for the Super Bowl, I took my wife to see Celine Dion.”
— My buddy J-Bug on Saturday night

“Red Sox-Yankees has evolved into the very best drama in all of sports and with that comes no shortage of themes, which are often silly or contrived (remember ‘The Curse of the Bambino’?).”
— Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy writing after the third game of the Yankees-Red Sox series

“I’m not here to talk about the past. I want to talk about the future.”
— My buddy (and diehard Yankee fan) JackO quoting Mark McGwire while gloating about consecutive wins over the Red Sox

“I got every Dan Shaughnessy book known to man.”
— Jimmy Fallon on how he prepared for his role as a diehard Red Sox fan in “Fever Pitch”

“I’m not a big baseball fan, to be honest.”
— Native New Yorker Jimmy Fallon on whether he took any grief from his friends back home for playing a diehard Red Sox fan in “Fever Pitch”

“There’s always going to be criticism when your name is Jalen. You have to wear a bulletproof vest and be ready for it.”
— Jalen Rose

“Like I told the guys earlier, once he turns 21 and is able to drink, it’s over.”
— Jalen Rose after LeBron James scored 56 on the Raptors

“I’m not fast. But there are a lot of guys that are a hell of a lot slower than I am. Somebody wants to do a pay-per-view race between me and [Tom] Brady, sign me up.”
— New Dallas QB Drew Bledsoe, who hasn’t started a playoff game since 1997.

“Not being able to speak, not being able to communicate with other players, that’s definitely a hindrance to having better communication, and better relationships with other players.”
— Byung Hyun-Kim explaining why he hasn’t clicked with his teammates in Boston

“Roses are red … violets are blue … if you look at another girl … I will beat you.”
— Doug Christie’s wife reciting a poem she had written during this month’s episode of HBO’s “Real Sports”

“Call me a whore, call me a slut — don’t call me a liar.”
— Tonya, explaining why she slept with Robyn’s boyfriend, then was upset that Robyn didn’t believe her on “The Inferno”

“I had an awful first quarter but I picked it up. To all you single guys out there, it’s not how you start the date, it’s how you finish the date.”
— Shaquille O’Neal after dropping 30 points in a win over the Knicks on Saturday

“There’s Fredo, there’s Sonny and there’s Michael. The Godfather handed it over to Michael. I have no problem handing it over to Dwyane.”
— Shaquille O’Neal on comparing Penny Hardaway and Kobe Bryant to Dwyane Wade

“I’m tellin’ ya man, to be able to stroke it like that must be some kind of feeling.”
— Dick Vitale on J.J. Redick’s ability to hit 3s

“Just as Jesus sacrificed himself for all of us, maybe this is a chance for me to do that for my team. The inferno could be like the hell, and then I could, you know, step up and take the place of somebody like Christ did for us on the cross.”
— Cowboy John on volunteering to take The Miz’s place in the Inferno on the “Real World/Road Rules Challenge”

“I can’t believe I got my butt whooped by a homosexual, but a lot of gay folks are strong, you know? They’re always going to the gym.”
— James the Redneck after losing to Coby in a mission on “Survivor”

“Doug is distraught. He’s still not over the trade, and it’s not even the basketball part of it. It’s the feel of Sacramento, the fans, the community. Sometimes he gets so down. We have a farewell video that the Kings gave us before we left, and I’ll find him sitting there watching it, and he gets all choked up. I’ll tell him, ‘Doug, you have to stop.’ But everything was so special there.”
— Jackie Christie

“In the end, those of us who walk away not winning win more than just a loss.”
— Audrey after getting fired from “The Apprentice”

“I try to keep my distance from it. I don’t want to catch anything. That thing has been passed around more often than Paris Hilton.”
— Theo Epstein on the World Series trophy

“Any time I’ve taken the mound, it’s always been the old Samson-and-Goliath story written about me.”
— Randy Johnson

“He probably was a little tired from All-Star weekend. While he was running up and down the court throwing it off the backboard, I was laying on the beach drinking a fruity drink with an umbrella. So I probably gave myself an unfair advantage on that one.”
— Jalen Rose explaining why he outplayed Vince Carter two days after the All-Star Game

“As for music and my place in it, maybe things are changing a little bit. I know this: a good song is deeper than a tattoo. It’ll remind you of the car you’re driving and the girl you’re going around with and the streets you’re cruising. It’s better than a photo album. A song is a tattoo that you never lose. ‘Ice, Ice Baby,’ man, you’ll remember that when you’re 90.”
— Vanilla Ice on his place in history

“I thought it was a brilliant play. We almost got away with it. I was stuck in an alley, boys, there was no place to go. And I gave my karate. I only got to yellow belt, but I gave them my karate. And, again, I think Brandon’s a great pitcher. I played with him in high school.”
— A-Guez on his infamous Game 6 karate chop on Boston pitcher Bronson Arroyo

“I’m pretty sure that me not liking Alex Rodriguez is not a groundbreaking story.”
— Curt Schilling responding to the ongoing war of words with A-Rod

“I don’t think he’s going to have a lot of fun over the next 31 games. … But it could be worse. He could be going to the Clippers.”
— Bill Fitch on interim Timberwolves coach Kevin McHale

“Just picture your favorite guy and put it right through the hole.”
— Drew Brees after winning the skills competition at the Pro Bowl

“It’s been kind of hard, I’m labeled as a jerk right now, you know what I mean? But I love it. I’ve been a jerk all my life. My momma loves this jerk. My kids love this jerk. I’m going to be a jerk in a good way, though. I’m going to be a jerk to the other teams and just go out there and play basketball. I can do that.”
— Stephen Jackson

“I like fighting, but I hate hurting people.”
— Tonya Harding on her fledgling boxing career

“The only birds I know about are the duck and the dove and the quail, birds that you shoot. You’re not really supposed to shoot cardinals. I don’t know if I’d shoot this bird. It looks pretty mean. This bird might pull a gun out and shoot right back at you.”
— Arizona QB Josh McCown on the team’s new logo

“The guys have welcomed me big time. C-Webb, Bibby, even [Greg] Ostertag. Guys were talking about hunting, but I’m a city kid. I don’t hunt. I don’t like to kill things, but I know what it feels like to be hunted. I’m from the ‘hood.”
— Cuttino Mobley on life with the Sacramento Kings

“Rick Brunson AND Quentin Ross? That’s their starting backcourt? Did we actually have to pay for these tickets?”
— My Dad during Saturday night’s Warriors-Clippers game, as they were announcing the starting lineups at the Staples Center

“It’s cold, it’s hard and I wanna feel it.”
— Ron Jaworski describing a football in cold weather, and why he wouldn’t wear gloves

“It hasn’t changed me at all. Obviously I won’t go in the stands again, but I’m the same person.”
— Stephen Jackson on what he’s learned from the Pistons-Pacers melee

“I feel terrible. I didn’t think he had it in him.”
— Tracy McGrady after his rottweiler bit a maintenance engineer’s nose off

“I’ll tell you right now, I’m going to make some mistakes … I’m not a genius. There are only a couple of coaches in this league that are geniuses, and I’m not one.”
— Jets coach Herman Edwards

“When you’re rich, you don’t write checks. Straight cash, homey.”
— Randy Moss

“Wow, he’s been on our side all night!”
— Bulls announcer Johnny Kerr, commenting on a Mark Blount airball during Blount’s historic triple-zero (0 points, 0 blocks and 0 rebounds in 22 minutes)

“What I really see myself doing is late-night TV. No woman has ever done it. Joan Rivers tried and failed miserably. I know I’m way too young for that [Anna will be 29 in February] and if they offered it to me tomorrow, I would turn it down. I just don’t have the life experience right now. I’m hoping in five years or so I’ll have racked up some experience to do something like that.”
— Anna Benson on her ultimate career goal, from our Page 3 interview

“They shot the crap out of the ball, everybody on the floor. You think you have them, they swing it and swing it and then swoosh. They have good rebounders to gather the misses. Sometimes you’re like, ‘Man they must have a cheat code or something.'”
— Bobcats rookie Emeka Okafor on the Sonics

“I think it’s a great city. I think it’s a fabulous city. But in my young juvenile days, I was an idiot and I bought 30 cars. And I need to drive those cars and New York isn’t really the place you can do that.”
— Shaquille O’Neal on why he never wants to play for the Knicks

“I eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before every game. Whoever invented that was smart. That’s got to be one of the best sandwiches ever.”
— Bulls rookie Ben Gordon

“Stay out of the gentlemen’s clubs. Get a lot of rest. Just have fun and relax and stay focused.”
— Shaquille O’Neal explaining the secrets for winning on the road in the NBA

“I can’t put it into words. Playing with a guy, living with a guy, just knowing that every day when I wake up that’s something I can count on, that I’m going to be in practice or in a game with Cuttino. Him not being here is going to be tough for me. I don’t know what I’m going to wake up for.”
— Steve Francis on the Cuttino Mobley trade

“You don’t trust your girlfriend when you first get with her. I mean, you’ve been with her one month. What, you ready to get married? You trust her already? You’ve got to do a background check.”
— Paul Pierce on the Celtics learning to trust one another

“To live like I ain’t never lived before. If y’all see me in the news, and I make the news for something that I ain’t got no business making it for, don’t bash me. Say it was a young guy living.”
— Redskins RB Clinton Portis, on his plans for the off-season

“Darko is really one of a kind. He runs the floor, handles the ball, shoots an NBA 3 and plays with his back to the basket. So you can slot him at thethree, four or five. OK, a few other guys can do that, too, but what sets Darko apart is his toughness in the post. … Fact is, Darko plays in attack mode at both ends of the floor. The more you push, the more he pushes back.”
— ESPN’s Chad Ford on NBA Draft prospect Darko Milicic, in the June 23, 2003 issue of ESPN The Magazine

“When I watch NBA games, I think to myself, ‘How will I look in the game there?’ I expect to do something there. I don’t want to be a donkey.”
— Darko Milicic in the June 23, 2003 issue of ESPN The Magazine

“I talked to Ricky about that hairdo. … By Saturday, he will be looking good again, he said, his braider is out of town, she’s due back, so he’ll be straight come Saturday, in Detroit he’ll be looking good.”
— Celtics sideline reporter Willie Maye, explaining during the Wizards-Celtics game why Ricky Davis was wearing an afro instead of cornrows

“I’m a GM in fantasy basketball and I’m a GM on Playstation, so on Playstation I probably would have got a little more, but this is real life, so I don’t know.”
— Jalen Rose on the Vince Carter trade

“When you’re in the public eye, it’s wrong to cheat on someone, unless you’re very careful. If you’re normal and no one’s going to know, then do it.”
— Paris Hilton

“Batting first, seventh, eighth or ninth, Tony Womack just wants to play. I don’t have an ego problem.”
— Tony Womack, the Yankees’ new second baseman

“Teams have proven they can win on the road. You look at the past couple of Super Bowls — New England beat us when they came here; Carolina, they went on the road and they ended up going. You ever see ‘Rocky IV’ when he goes to Russia?”
— Hines Ward on the importance of home-field advantage in the playoffs

“Was it for Richard Jefferson?”
— Jalen Rose, after hearing that Vince Carter had been traded to New Jersey.

“I think he’s healthy, from what I’ve heard.”
— Derek Jeter on the status of fellow Yankee Jason Giambi, who is embroiled in a steroid controversy

“I probably just played with him on Tecmo Bowl or something, one of those video games. And if y’all don’t know Tecmo Bowl, it was one of the first Nintendo games.”
— Carolina’s Ricky Manning Jr. on Chris Chandler

“I’ve got to stop this. My entourages are getting entourages.”
— Jalen Rose, on the trouble finding tickets for everyone when he returns to Detroit

“I’m not a person who takes the downside. I took the upside. And by taking the upside, it opened doors for me in Memphis to do a credible job.”
— Hubie Brown on his coaching stint with the Grizzlies

“It will work out, somehow. That’s a hell of a duo right there, Marbury, Crawford and Houston.”
— Carmelo Anthony assessing the future of the 2004-05 Knicks

“I’m hunting for little Mexican girls.”
— Karl Malone’s response at a Lakers-Bucks game three weeks, after Kobe Bryant’s wife noticed his cowboy boots and asked him, “Hey, Cowboy, what are you hunting for?”

“Don’t get me wrong, everything the media writes is not wrong. But I’d say 99 percent of it is wrong, in my opinion, but I don’t read the newspaper, so I don’t know. I hear things, though.”
— Bears defensive back R.W. McQuarters

“All I want to do is race, Daddy. All I want to do is race, Daddy. All I want to do is race, Daddy. All I want to do is race, Daddy. All I want to do is race, Daddy. All I want to do is race, Daddy. All I want to do is race, Daddy. All I want to do is race, Daddy. All I want to do is race, Daddy. All I want to do is race, Daddy. All I want to do is race, Daddy. All I want to do is race, Daddy …”
— The voice in Bill Simmons’ head as he was trying to sleep last night.

“He don’t have no problem with you blinging. God’s heavenly abode proves that he is the real king of bling. His gates are pearly, his house is about 10 stadiums big, the streets are gold. You do the budget on that kind of place.
— Rapper Mase

“Ten. It can’t get to 11. If it gets to 11, then I’ll be sitting with Ron Artest.”
— Paul Pierce after being asked how frustrated he was with the Celtics season on a scale of 1 to 10

“This team is one execution away from being a very good basketball team.”
— Doc Rivers on the Celtics.

“This is how I relax and maintain my composure. Every now and then, you want to kill somebody.” — Buffalo Bills running back OJ Simps-, er, Willis McGahee on “Halo 2”

“I know they’re going to want me to be on the field a lot, so I’m just trying to take these few extra pounds I don’t need off.”
— Jason Giambi explaining his mysterious weight loss before the 2004 season

“My two biggest personnel mistakes were Michael Ovitz and Mo Vaughn.”
— Retiring Disney CEO Michael Eisner

“He just reminds you so much of Shawn Kemp in his prime. It’s going to be scary to see this guy in a couple of years.”
— Byron Scott on Amare Stoudemire

“I have never seen a fight like that in a game since I was in high school.”
Quentin Richardson on the Pacers-Pistons melee

“Yes it was unanimous, 1-0, and I won.”
— NBA commissioner David Stern, after being asked whether the vote to suspend Ron Artest for the season was unanimous

“Having a record company and putting out my own CD. There’s clothes and shoes. There’s also an upcoming book deal that I’m trying to do. I’m trying to be positive. I’m a big fan of the Nobel Peace Prize.”
— Ron Artest on how he’s dealing with life after his suspension

“Ron Artest has a look in his eye that is very scary right now.”
— Mike Breen during Friday night’s Pacers-Pistons melee

“They can’t stop me. I don’t care. That’s real. We’re gonna keep it moving, we’re gonna keep it cracking and there ain’t anything gonna stop me.”
— Dr. Dre’s entire acceptance speech after being attacked at the 2004 Vibe Awards

“There are two ways to argue with a woman, and neither of them work.”
— Carlos Boozer after cancelling an interview with a Sports Illustrated reporter because his wife was expecting him home.

“It all depends how I’m feeling that day. Sometimes if I leave the braids in for a couple of weeks, I might take it down and let it breathe a little bit. If we’ve got something really nice that we’re going to, like uppity-up, then I’ll braid it up and keep in proportion, but sometimes I might blow it out.”
— Clippers rookie Shaun Livingston on how he decides to wear his hair every day

“We informed them that he can no longer do that.”
— NBA spokesman Brian McIntyre after the NBA found out that Vince Carter was listening to his iPod during pregame warmups

“It’s slightly unsettling. Not that it matters anymore. They could hire Ben Affleck to coach third and I’d still have a permanent smile on my face.”
— SOSH poster FungosWithJimmy after the Red Sox announced that embattled 3B coach Dale Sveum would return for the 2005 season

“The goal here is to get us back to our glory days.”
— Bob Melvin after taking the Diamondbacks’ managing job

“I’ve been doing a little bit too much music, just needed the rest. I’ve still got my album coming out Nov. 23. After the album comes out I’m going to make sure all of my time is focused on winning a championship.”
— Ron Artest on his recent two-game suspension

“I’ll be honest, I think you and Sarge both have a leg up on me right now.”
— Chris from “Survivor” speculating on the Final Two with Chad (the guy with the artificial leg)

“Maybe we should have a one-guy-who-almost-died limit and stick with Pierce.”
— My buddy Hench after watching new Celtics PF Tom Gugliotta struggle against Philly last night

“You can tell everybody that Eddie Robinson’s out looking for a job right now, and believe me, he’s a great kid. He’s happy and he’s healthy. All he needs is a couple of weeks to regain game fitness. Put him on the court and when the game counts … Eddie Robinson is about one word: winning and losing. He’s a great athlete, and I love him to death.”
— Agent Paul Collier after Robinson’s release from the Bulls

“I slept in my uniform last night because I wanted to win today! And nobody had my back! Nobody had my back! Nobody!”
— Ayanna after getting kicked off the “Real World/Road Rules Battle of the Sexes 2”

“I don’t know what to expect right now, but we as players have to do what we’ve got to do to make sure that the pot is spread equally.”
— Jim Jackson on a new collective bargaining agreement

“26 vs. 6 and if you include the Boston Braves, and you probably would because you need all you can get, it’s 7 … 26 to 7 … SPARE ME … the curse will never die because once the Sox fail, and they will, to get into the ALDS, ALCS and the WORLD SERIES the CURSE will come back like flies to poop. Don’t get too far over your skis — it’s a tough fall.”
— My Uncle Ricky (Yankees fan in denial)

“It happened in my lifetime! It happened in my lifetime!”
— My Dad after last night’s clinching World Series win

“There’s a small place inside us that they can never lock away, and that place is called hope.”
— Andy Dufresne

“I think Tim Wakefield would even say tonight that Tim Wakefield got to Tim Wakefield tonight.”
— Tim McCarver during Game 1 of the 2004 World Series

“You can’t just go out and buy a championship ring … well, unless Dwight Gooden runs out of coke.”
— Adam Carolla, when the Yankees acquired Alex Rodriguez

“Relax. We’ve been playing these guys for 80 years. They’re never gonna beat us.”
— Yogi Berra to Bernie Williams before the 1999 ALCS

“Then there were enough yahoos at Yankee Stadium who thought they had been called out by the umpires, and began to litter the most famous ballfield in this world with litter.”
— Mike Lupica in the N.Y. Daily News

“I forgot who started.”
— Derek Jeter after Game 5 of the ALCS where the Red Sox and Yankees combined to use 14 pitchers

“It’s just the same as school, just without all the adult supervision and everyone needing to know where I’m going every five minutes.”
— Dorell Wright on the NBA

“He may still win a championship or two, but the boyish hero image has been replaced by that of a callous hired gun.”
— Phil Jackson on Kobe Bryant in his new book “The Last Season: A Team in Search of Its Soul”.

“The Patriots have played 19 games already this season?”
— My friend Sully’s wife, Robyn, overhearing someone discussing New England’s 19-game winning streak

“We’ve been waiting since 1918 for the Boston Red Sox to win the World Series, and … if I had a choice between the White House and the World Series this year, I’m going to take the White House. How’s that?”
— John Kerry

“We’re all idiots here. We all have fun. We all hug, kiss, grab, whatever.”
— David Ortiz on the 2004 Red Sox

“It’s bad for me because I’ve never been in jail that long.”
— Rafael Furcal on his 21-day jail sentence

“Whenever I see a homeless guy, I always run back and give him money, because I think, ‘Oh my God, what if that was Jesus?'”
–Pamela Anderson in TV Guide

“MJ and Landon are sort of sheltered and sort of come from their own little microcosm.”
— Willie discussing two of his roommates on “Real World: Philly”

“The Red Sox are the logical pick, except for one thing: They’re the Red Sox.”
— Anonymous MLB scout making a World Series pick to ESPN.com’s Jayson Stark

“If you think I’m a loser, that I’m a bust, that’s fine, but you don’t know me. I don’t have a problem with people thinking I was a bad football player. I wasn’t a particularly good pro football player. But I was a great college player, and that’s something.”
— Ryan Leaf

“That’s the way it is. Get used to it. That’s the way it is.”
— Mike Martz to reporters about his coaching philosophy

“I was never really serious with one team. I was into the Mets because my Dad worked at IBM where he got free Mets tickets, so I was into the Mets … then I got to “Saturday Night Live” where my boss has unbelievable N.Y. Yankees tickets, so he invites us to the games. I’m going to all the games, so I might as well root for the team I’m gonna go sit with. I became a Yankees fan for a few years. But now, I gotta say, I’m really rooting for the Red Sox.”
–Jimmy Fallon on his favorite baseball team

“The knee feels fine, I’ve been training Confuciously.”
–Mike Tyson telling ESPN’s Pedro Gomez about his latest comeback

“You can’t give him that cutback lane. He’s so fast, and he sees it so well, that’s where he makes the majority of his real long runs. He can also run away from you if he gets a little bit of crack.”
–Steelers assistant Dick LeBeau on Jamal Lewis

“It was an accident. Montecore understood the signals and wanted to save me. It was unfortunate that his teeth hit my carotid artery.”
–Roy Horn (right) on Montecore the Tiger

“I would rather die in an abandoned building, by myself and my family not know anything, than play for him.”
— Shannon Sharpe on Tom Coughlin

“That was just instinct. Kind of like running from the cops, I guess you could say.”
— Virginia’s Marquis Weeks after returning a 100-yard kickoff against UNC on Saturday

“It’s one of those things when you are in a role you have to do what they ask you to do. If they want me to come in and stick it in, I have to come in and stick it in.”
— Jerome Bettis on his changing role with the Steelers

“I’ve never really hung out with a homosexual before, but this is cool though. I respect you. No, seriously.”
— MJ to Willie on “The Real World: Philadelphia”

“I had to get the 4.6 because Jay-Z said you can’t push the 4.0. It had no miles on it. It’s white with leather interior, three TVs … It’s official, man.”
— Celtics rookie Delonte West on his new Range Rover

“We shot ourselves in the foot, in the head, in the left ear lobe, in the right eye. We killed ourselves. They’re a good team, nobody takes that away from them, but we killed ourselves.”
— Colts president Bill Polian after losing to the Pats

“I just don’t want the day to come where I pick up that paper and it says [Zach] shot someone, or that he was shot. Every day that goes by that I don’t see that, I feel good.”
— Moe Smedley, Zach Randolph’s high school coach

“We need to win this game. But if we don’t that’s not how we’re going to be the rest of the season. But I could tell you if we do win that is how we’ll be the rest of the season.”
— Browns WR Quincy Morgan on the opener against Baltimore

“I feel 10 times better than I felt my last season, in terms of passion and fire. I got my dog back, in African-American language, your dog meaning your passion, your fire.”
— Deion Sanders

“Vinny’s presence puts a greater strain on the offensive line, the tight ends and the backs to keep people off him, but if we can do that, he can be dangerous.”
–Cowboys TE Dan Campbell on Vinny Testaverde

“You can’t knock the hustle. I mean, you see a brother getting broke off, you gotta like that. All I’m sayin’ is don’t stop breakin’ the bread now.”
— Edgerrin James on Peyton Manning’s new contract

“[Imagine] on the 26th of September, a week to go, they’re tied, and it’s Schilling-Vazquez at Fenway … oh-ho, baby! Vazquez won’t be able to get through the warmups without puking out in right field!”
— Chris Russo on “Mike & the Mad Dog” Sept. 1

“Vin gave us a solid presence off the bench at the end of last season and in the playoffs. With a fresh start at training camp with the team, we know he’ll be an even more productive force.”
— Knicks GM Isiah Thomas after giving Vin Baker (32 percent shooting in April, 5.5 ppg in the playoffs) a two-year, $7 million deal

“We have a lot of stars, just no one you’ve ever heard of.”
— 49ers GM Terry Donahue

“Coming from the University of Miami, I developed really good study habits.”
— Jets rookie Jonathan Vilma

“You have to tip your hat to her, Svetlana is 24, 25 and is out there starving herself to death, puking her guts out, or whatever she is doing.”
— Bela Karolyi on Svetlana Khorkina

“I wanted to get the kid an RBI in Boston.”
— Embattled Red Sox 3B coach Dale Sveum, after getting Bill Mueller thrown out by 40 feet on a single from rookie Earl Snyder.

“I drink to excess, I gamble to excess, but everyone knows it, so it’s not a big deal.”
— Las Vegas mayor Oscar Goodman to MLB officials

“It’s like Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder, they had their handicaps. It didn’t stop them from making their mark.”
— Shyne, discussing how a 10-year jail sentence could affect his career

“Last season, we thought we could beat you. This season, we’re going to strap it on.”
— Nuggets owner Stan Kroenke

“I love Vlade. He was great for the organization. We almost won the whole thing a couple of times with him.”

— Kings owner Joe Maloof

“I make love to pressure.”
— Stephen Jackson

“You only get a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity so many times.”
— Steelers CB Ike Taylor on starting a preseason game against the Lions

“All you’re doing right now is just flabbergasting your mouths because there are no solid answers right now.”
— Emmitt Smith to reporters at Cardinals camp

“It wasn’t anywhere near here, but it was still somewhat near. It’s eerie.”

— Lamar Odom on a bombing in Turkey seven miles from where the U.S. team was staying

“I like to sneak a game or two of ‘Madden’ somewhere in between studying and sleeping; it helps me unwind and get my mind off football for a little bit.”
— Miami CB Will Poole on what he does to unwind during training camp

“Look, it’s JJ Cool J!”
— My Mom making a celeb spotting in an LA restaurant last week, one day before calling 50 Cent “Five Cents.”

“You left my show to write ten thousand words about Varsity f***ing Blues and I’m supposed to continue to read your column?”
— Jimmy Kimmel

“The revolving door of suckitude continues.”
— Poster Harry Hooper on the SOSH message board (after yet another devastating Red Sox loss).

“I’ll be honest as hell with you. I did write out a will before taking this trip.”
— Lamar Odom, summing up everyone’s feelings on the 2004 Olympics

“I may have smoked too much weed, but I wasn’t taking drugs or anything.”
— Mike Tyson on his loss to Lennox Lewis

“Hey, any time you can trade a future Hall of Famer for two guys hitting .246, you’ve gotta make that deal.”
— my buddy JackO (a Yankee fan) on the Nomar trade

“I didn’t quit football because I failed a drug test. I failed a drug test because I was ready to quit football.”
— Ricky Williams

“I’m not very politically involved … I mean, if you say you’re a Democrat, that’ll turn off Republicans, and that’s half of your fan base.”
— Lindsay Lohan on the upcoming election

“I guess you can never domesticate them. Like I’m not domesticated, I’m never gonna be a domesticated person.”
— Mike Tyson on Montecore the Tiger

“When my brain exploded, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have such a better life now.”
— Sharon Stone

“I’m halfway intelligent. I’ll figure something out.”
— Ricky Williams on his post-retirement life

“I’m like toilet paper, toothpaste and certain amenities — I’m proven to be good. I’ve still got 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 years left.”
— Shaquille O’Neal

“That’s the biggest laughingstock I’ve ever heard of in my life.”
— Trot Nixon after MLB ordered him to remove the pine tar on his helmet

“I think I’ll get along real well with Brad. I can see us really going at it in practice every day, then going out and killing something to eat.”
— Greg Ostertag on new Kings teammate Brad Miller

“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.”
— Shaquille O’Neal

“I’m running away to an abused fans’ shelter. Please don’t tell this team where I’ve gone.”
— Poster ChristineAnn18 on the SOSH message board (following a Red Sox loss in Seattle)

“Takeru Kobayashi is quite simply the Greatest Athlete in the World today.”
— Darren Rovell

“This city always smells like meat.”
— Jimmy Kimmel on the city of Houston

“Some days you are going to be some place. Some days you can be moved tomorrow.”
— Kelvin Cato

“Everybody who knows me knows how I get down.”
— Michael Vick denying rumors that he’s gay

“I wasn’t 100 percent into rap and if I’m not 100 percent into something, I can’t do it. That’s just how real I am.”
— Mase on why he retired from rap

“I feel like I am pregnant with all these ideas. I am just trying to give birth to them.”
— Miguel Batista describing his budding writing career

“Relax, we’ve been beating these guys for 80 years.”
— Yogi Berra to Bernie Williams in the ’99 ALCS

“Don’t call me an alcoholic when I’m drunk, because I will CRY and then you’ll feel like an [expletive].”

— Randy from “Real World: San Diego”

“I ain’t the same person I was when I bit that guy’s ear off.”
— Mike Tyson

“It might take a season, it might take half a season, it might take a year.”
— Clippers GM Elgin Baylor evaluating the potential of rookie Shaun Livingston

Bill Simmons is the founding editor of Grantland and the author of the New York Times no. 1 best seller The Book of Basketball. For every Simmons column and podcast, click here.

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