Let’s get to the Thursday-night props …
Browns will score over 19 points (-115)
The last time the Bengals DIDN’T allow 19 or more points was in Week 3 against the Titans. It was back in a time when the Democrats ruled the Senate and Honey Boo Boo’s father, Sugar Bear, ruled his house. Seems like forever ago. I’ve watched this Browns team closely. They are a frisky 5-3 team. Say what you will about their cupcake schedule, they stick around, keep games close, and then do most of their work when it counts. Brian Hoyer has a 97.3 QB rating (7 TDs) in the second half this year, which is exactly when the Bengals defense (allowed 105 points in the second half over the last five games) seems to let down. I know, that’s a lot to digest. Don’t hurt yourself thinking about it. Just trust me. 3,000 jermajesties
Bengals/Browns over 23.5 points in the second half (-110)
See reasoning above … 2,000 jermajesties
Terrance West under 48.5 yards rushing (-110)
Predicting the Browns’ ground attack plan is like predicting how the barista will spell your name on a Starbucks cup. After a solid start, it looked like the Towson University alum would win Cleveland’s RB-1 job for good. A subpar month followed, and then last week he put up a 15-carries-for-48-yards performance against the Bucs, and now everyone’s saying he’s the guy. As if those are “he’s the guy”–worthy stats. I’m not buying it. Don’t be surprised to see Mike Pettine mix it up between West, Tate, and Crowell (said to be in “good standing”) again. Betting a Browns running back to fall short of the 50-yard mark has been a winning proposition for years — let’s not screw this up now. 3,000 jermajesties
First player to score a TD: A.J. Green 8/1, Mohamed Sanu 10/1, Andrew Hawkins 20/1
I have a good feeling about this crop. And if all three catch the first touchdown simultaneously, I get Cavs floor seats for life.
1,000 jermajesties each
Fake But Fun
Over/under two hours and 47.5 minutes that I spent last weekend debating whom to use as my fantasy RB: Bobby Rainey or Jerick McKinnon
Is it bad that I couldn’t carve out 10 minutes to vote but devoted 20 times as much effort debating fantasy lineup scenarios? Good, I didn’t think so. I went with Rainey, which was the correct choice — but only by a slim margin. By the way, that fantasy team is miraculously 6-3 this season, so save the sass. And no, you can’t get in our league.
Over/under 6.5 yards receiving tonight for Bengals wide receiver Greg Little, who has vowed vengeance on the Browns for cutting him earlier this year
The disgruntled Little lives up to his name when it comes to how significant a role he plays in the Bengals offense. If I’m Andy Dalton, I explain it to him like this: “Um … listen … Greg … you’re a swell guy and all, and we’d love to help you exact revenge on the team for which you dropped 23 passes in a little over two years, but we’ve got Pro Bowler A.J. Green and an emerging Mohamed Sanu catching passes for us. How about you just slash the tires on the team bus and call it a day?”
1/5 odds that everyone in the Dallas Cowboys social media department was fired for cause after posting this tweet
The odds would be even greater if Jerry Jones knew what the hell a hashtag was, and of course if he could actually refute the insinuation that my beloved Cowboys sucked. #RUNTHEEFFINGBALLGARRETT
Over/under $483 billion (the national deficit) that Michael Jordan and Barack Obama could raise by auctioning off two spots to complete their foursome after the former called out the president for being a shitty golfer
The president responded by suggesting that rather than take shots at him, Jordan should focus on his Charlotte Hornets. Get a Situation Room, you two.
Tweet Battle of the Week
It turns out that @wbigdajr is a very wise man with a very complicated Twitter handle. So far this season, we’ve seen 28 Monday, Thursday, and Sunday-night games. Of them, 22 have gone “over” the total. I’m no math whiz, but it seems like that yields more than a 55 percent success rate — enough to make the average degenerate a profit. So do I jump on this trend right away or pass on this week with Hoyer, Sanchez, and a struggling Jay Cutler headlining the matchups under the lights? I’m in! So are you.
Love you, too, @dabigjoker. And no disrespect to Megatron, but ask any defensive coordinator in the league and they’ll tell you it’s way more difficult to plan for a freak-of-nature tight end than a freak-of-nature wide receiver. But let’s just split the difference and agree that the best weapon in football is whatever this lunatic is wearing on his head and shoulders.
Over/under 12,501.5 clueless imbeciles who commented that my annual Halloween hidden-camera bit seen on Jimmy Kimmel Live is fake
Ahhh … the masses truly are asses. Here’s what happens. We (Jimmy Kimmel Live) spend thousands of dollars to decorate a rented house in the effort to lure as many trick-or-treaters as possible. The kids wait out front while our producers slyly pull their parents off to the side to give consent to be on television. Then the parents send their children up to the front door to deal with my foolishness. And then, after I’m done with them, regardless of the prank, everyone gets a shitload of candy. So the parents are in on it, but the kids are not. If the kids are trick-or-treating alone, we get their parents’ consent after the taping. I promise you that there is nothing at all fake about it. Now, can I have all 12,501.5 of you sign a consent form saying you’ll never jump to asinine conclusions again? There’s a Skittle in it for you if you agree.
That’s that. Enjoy Week 10, and watch for my NFL picks tonight on SportsCenter at 10 p.m. PT through Friday early afternoon. This week I’m paired with Stan Verrett … I think my weird kids and weirder Chargers pick may have scared Neil off.
Last week: -16,600 jermajesties
Year to date: -23,700 jermajesties