Holy Effing Ess!!! It is only four days until the 2012 Golden Raspberry nominations are released in Hollywood, California! Even as we write, Head RAZZberry John Wilson is collecting ballots (including our own!) and tallying votes for the world’s greatest and most important awards show. You know what that means: It’s time for our final predictions.
A lot has changed since we made our first forecast way back in July. Back then we had a bottom five of The Hangover Part II, Jack and Jill, Real Steel, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1, and Zookeeper — but at that point, only two of those movies had even come out. How many of those stinkers made it into our final predictions? Read on and see!
Worst Screen Couple
Our guesses:
Any character’s anus to any other character’s mouth, Human Centipede 2
Shia LaBeouf and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Adam Sandler (as Jack) and Adam Sandler (as Jill), Jack and Jill
Adam Sandler and Al Pacino, Jack and Jill
Nick Swardson and Christina Ricci, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star
What we’re probably wrong about: We’re leaving out multiple past Razzie nominees Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner here in favor of two nominees from Jack and Jill.
In our dreams: A nomination for Matt King (George Clooney) and his comatose wife in The Descendants.
In our nightmares: Brian Stelter and David Carr are nominated for Page One.
Worst Screen Ensemble
Our guesses:
Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star
Jack and Jill
New Year’s Eve
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1
What we’re probably wrong about: Will the Razzies truly recognize excellently bad motion-capture acting? Andy Serkis was spectacularly awful as Alvin, Simon, Theodore, and the Chipettes, and deserves a nod.
In our dreams: All the Smurfs are included in this category, achieving something that no blue-skinned forest creature has ever achieved (Avatar: zero Razzie nominations!).
In our nightmares: The cast of Human Centipede 2 shows up, still attached to each other, to claim their prize at the ceremony.
Worst Screenplay
Our guesses:
Atlas Shrugged: Part 1
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star
The Hangover Part II
Jack and Jill
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
What we’re probably wrong about: Will Atlas Shrugged really overcome its minuscule budget and minusculer box office?
In our dreams: Green Lantern’s pseudoscientific, quasimythological hoo-hah picks up a nod.
In our nightmares: The Hangover Part II’s screenplay is discovered to be identical to The Hangover’s and ruled ineligible.
Worst Supporting Actor
Our guesses:
Hank Azaria, The Smurfs
Stephen Dorff, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star
Ken Jeong, The Hangover Part II/Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Don Johnson, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star
Al Pacino, Jack and Jill
What we’re probably wrong about: We probably missed three or four movies that Ken Jeong was in.
In our dreams: A nod for Armie Hammer’s makeup in J. Edgar to go with the nod for Gargamel’s nose in The Smurfs.
In our nightmares: Somehow the Razzie administration and voters nominate the wrong actors from amid the cavalcade of shitty performances in Bucky Larson. But that won’t happen, right? Surely everyone can see that Don Johnson and Stephen Dorff are the absolute worst, right?
Worst Supporting Actress
Our guesses:
Katie Holmes, Jack and Jill/Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Christina Ricci, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star
David Spade, Jack and Jill
Sofia Vergara, The Smurfs
What we’re probably wrong about: In our blockbuster interview with John Wilson, he specifically mentioned David Spade’s drag cameo in Jack and Jill. But maybe he was duping us!?
In our dreams: Freida Pinto sneaks in for her performance in Rise of the Planet of the Apes — less recognizably human than a chimp!
In our nightmares: We’re hearing rumors that Frances McDormand is on the nomination ballot for Transformers: Dark of the Moon, in which she gave a fabulous performance as National Intelligence Director Charlotte Mearing. Nominating her would be a travesty.
Worst Actor
Our guesses:
Nicolas Cage, Drive Angry 3D/Season of the Witch/Trespass
Taylor Lautner, Abduction/The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1
Robert Pattinson, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1
Adam Sandler, Jack and Jill/Just Go With It
Nick Swardson, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star
What we’re probably wrong about: Lautner’s definitely a supporting player in Breaking Dawn; could category confusion cost him a slot?
In our dreams: Mater!!!!
In our nightmares: Seth Rogen, legitimately not bad in all his movies this year, somehow gets nominated for The Green Hornet.
Worst Actress
Our guesses:
Nicole Kidman, Trespass
Sarah Jessica Parker, I Don’t Know How She Does It/New Year’s Eve
Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached/Your Highness
Adam Sandler, Jack and Jill
Kristen Stewart, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1
What we’re probably wrong about: Halle Berry was nominated for (and won!) a Razzie for Catwoman the year after her Oscar victory; were Natalie Portman’s movies really bad enough to equal that feat?
In our dreams: Perpetually underestimated Sarah Palin pulls a shocker and lands a nomination for The Undefeated.
In our nightmares: National treasure Martin Lawrence is nominated for his role as fictional national treasure Big Momma.
Worst Director
Our guesses:
Michael Bay, Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Tom Brady, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star
Bill Condon, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1
Dennis Dugan, Jack and Jill/Just Go With It
Tom Six, Human Centipede 2
What we’re probably wrong about: It took Uwe Boll nine movies to garner his first Razzie nomination, for Alone in the Dark. Shouldn’t it take Tom Six more than two?
In our dreams: Patriots QB Tom Brady is mistakenly nominated for a Razzie, loses confidence, blows Super Bowl.
In our nightmares: Dennis Dugan is rewarded for his double Razzie nomination with a seven-picture deal with Happy Madison.
Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off, or Sequel
Our guesses:
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star
The Hangover Part II
Jack and Jill
The Three Musketeers
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1
What we’re probably wrong about: This is a huge category for Jack and Jill — the one that could put it over the top and surpass the all-time Razzie champeen, I Know Who Killed Me. Will Razzie voters want to make history?
In our dreams: How about a surprise Razzie nod for The Artist as a ripoff of Vertigo?
In our nightmares: Conan the Barbarian could have been the worst movie of the year and it still would’ve been better than the 1982 original. Don’t nominate it!
Worst Picture
Our guesses:
Abduction
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star
Human Centipede 2
Jack and Jill
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1
What we’re probably wrong about: We guaranteed in September that Human Centipede 2 wouldn’t be nominated for Worst Picture. Now we think we were wrong. But were we actually wrong about being wrong right?
In our dreams: Out of nowhere, Shame snags a nomination.
In our nightmares: “If it’s not nominated,” we wrote of Breaking Dawn back in July, “we’ll eat our pillow.” What if we have to eat our pillow?
Dan Kois is a veteran Razzie guru who will definitely be up at 5:38 a.m. on Monday to watch the nominations on HGTV!