The Corporate Cupids of Disney1 have bestowed upon us the first teaser for the upcoming season of The Bachelorette, which can mean only one thing … a proper Lowbrow Highlights frame-by-frame breakdown. Now, I usually save this style of overanalysis for the full two-minute trailer, but this season is different. You see, this season the Corporate Cupids have decided that instead of one woman being the Bachelorette, now there will be two women fielding the affections of the two-dozen handsome but boring bros selected to compete for ForeverLove. If you dig in the podcast crates, you will learn that my pod partner Juliet Litman and I have been campaigning for the show to adopt this format. When they announced the double Bachelorette, I was almost as excited as I was disappointed when they announced that “the 25 men, on night one, are going to have their say about who they think would make the best wife.”
Grantland is owned by Disney.
So instead of an entire season of Bachelorette-backstabbing, flip-flopping bros declaring their unwavering commitment to one or the other, and the eventual attempted murders that this format would lead to, we will get a schoolyard “pick ’em” on night one. As much as I hate the idea of this “election night,” it is still more compelling than the traditional Bachelorette season. The two women who have been selected for this experiment make it even more intriguing. The contestants — who dodged the life sentence of imprisonment with Chris Soules in Arlington, Iowa, on the last season of The Bachelor — embody two very different ideals when it comes to a potential spouse. Britt is the smiley Hollywood resident who isn’t great on a road trip but looks great in a cocktail dress. Kaitlyn is the spontaneous, funny Canadian who isn’t ideal for a black-tie function but has perfected toeing the “I’m as fun to hang with as your homeboys, but you still totally want to hook up with me” line. The men who are appearing on this show presumably come into it with this knowledge. It isn’t so much a choice between Britt vs. Kaitlyn as it is a choice between ideologies. Do you want the wife who never farts? Or do you want the wife who farts on you and then laughs?
I had hoped this quintessential question of humanity would be answered over the course of a season, then was satisfied it will play out over an evening, and finally am pumped to break down the first glimpse of it in WAAAAY too much detail. Ready? No? Well, we’re doing this anyway.
00:00-00:04 Weird music. We will later learn that this music is part of some sort of Fifty Shades of Grey parody but, for real, DID ANYONE SEE THAT MOVIE? It came out, right? I was geeked on that movie before it opened, but not a single person in my life said to me, “Hey, I saw Fifty Shades of Grey, you should see that.” Anyway, we see two shots of limos pulling up and then a title card that reads, “2 Bachelorettes.” But the music is so distracting that you hardly notice.
00:04-00:08 First we see a smiling Kaitlyn, then dissolve to a smiling Britt, who is followed by a title card that reads “25 Guys.” Kaitlyn’s smile looks natural; Britt’s smile looks like the one you have to hold for 20 seconds while someone tries to figure out how to work the camera on the phone you handed to them.
00:08-00:10 Time for the handsome bros montage! Bro No. 1:
This guy is one of those “handsome, smart, employed, my Mom would love him but he sucks in bed and is obsessed with Star Trek and his fantasy baseball team” guys. If I were editing this, I would have led off with a heavier hitter, but that’s just me.
Dissolve to Bro No. 2:
I am calling it now: This man is not to be trusted. He is wearing a three-piece suit, his ears are like pomegranates perched on his head, and he smiles with only half of his face. He totally has one of those jobs like “pharmaceutical sales” that seems cool and important when he says it, but when you dig deeper you realize that he places weight-loss pill ads in the backs of weekly newspapers. There is little doubt in my mind that this dude has gotten into an argument with a masseuse before because he wanted “full release” and she wasn’t having it. Yes, I know all of this from 10 frames of video. It’s a gift and a curse.
Bro No. 3:
If you are getting out of the limo on night one of The Bachelorette, GET YOUR FACIAL HAIR GAME RIGHT. What the hell is going on here? The only thing worse than sideburns in 2015 and a “junior year of high school” goatee is whatever is happening between the two. What is that? Did they not have razors at the hotel? Also, a pet peeve of mine is the hair over the ears. Has anyone in the history of mankind who wasn’t in the Beatles looked cool with a short cut that had hair over the top of his ears? No — no is the answer.
Bro No. 4:
Look, it’s the “diversity” guy! Were I the Bachelorette, I would prefer that the dudes who are courting me not dress exactly like Hugh Hefner. That is just me though.
Bro No. 5:
OK, hair looks good, facial hair is a tad scratchy for my taste but it has been a long day and maybe it grew out, suit looks good, pocket square is a nice subtle touch, slight demerit for no tie, but huge deduction for the second button being unbuttoned on the shirt. When has the second button thing ever worked? The only people who can pull off the second button are super skinny, tan Italian guys who smoke cigarettes for lunch, don’t listen when you talk, and get their socks tailored. Thus far, this is my favorite bro though. Not that I’m judging.
00:10-00:13 Next we get a title card that reads “50 Shades of” followed by a montage of:
A bro taking his skinny tie off:
A bro giving Kaitlyn the “I am going to grab the back of your head so it is harder not to kiss me” move upon first meeting:
And then whatever the hell this is:
I can’t tell if this man is trying to show off his muscles, his tattoos, his willingness to take his shirt off, or the trim that he just gave his entire body, but I am sure that all four of those things he should be ashamed of. He is holding her hand less to guide it up and down his chest and more so she can’t pull it away. Whoever this is, he is my least favorite bro. There is no chance I like this dude.
After someone is forced to give this dude’s chest stubble a handy, we get:
A man coming up the driveway in a cupcake car. Look, I am all for the silly entrance. I am sure he has the hottest cupcake shop in Sheboygan or whatever, but if you are going to roll up in a giant cupcake car, MAKE SURE THE GIANT CUPCAKE CAR ISN’T TOPPED WITH CANDY CORN! That is just gross. Who wants candy corn on a cupcake? Who made that decision?
After Captain Candy Corny rolls off, we get another title card: “CRAY.” Get it? It’s not 50 Shades of Grey, it’s 50 Shades of CRAY! Not only is the “50 Shades” reference outdated, the “cray” reference is outdated. This season is not off to a great start.
00:15-00:20 MUSIC CHANGE. Now we get tension music. And tension to go with it. We get one sideburned bro asking another, “What’s wrong with you, dude?” while slightly tapping his arm:
Then the other responds, “Don’t lay a hand on me!” Then we get this guy and his glorious outfit:
Black suit, black undershirt, magenta silk tie, AND matching magenta silk pocket square? He looks like Color Me Badd performing at the 1993 Grammys. While we see him doing nothing, we hear a bro say, “Things could get ugly,” and again the word “CRAY” appears onscreen. Enough with the “CRAY,” guys, we get it.
00:20-00:21 Then we get what we have been waiting for:
Britt in white in the foreground — arms crossed in front of her, looking like her body weight is still about 60 percent hair. Kaitlyn in the background — blue sparkles, more “done up” than we have seen her before, arms crossed behind her. Right after this shot, they give us THE SHOT:
This frame sums up the whole relationship between the two. Kaitlyn’s smile, her body language, her eyes, her fucking soul says, “We’re friends. We’ve been through a lot together in the past six months, but don’t you think for a second that you deserve to be here or that I respect you. Last night I dreamed about choking you to death with your own beautiful hair, and when I woke up I immediately tried to go back to sleep so I could finish killing you … but good luck!”
00:21-00:24 CHRIS HARRISON, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Chris H. shows up and drops the hammer: “There are two Bachelorettes, but that is about to change. There is going to be a vote.”
The bros are baffled. I am baffled too. Why aren’t these dudes drinking booze? Is this an indication that the producers have toned down the consumption of slammerjuice? That decision is worse than candy corn on a cupcake.
00:24-00:26 Then we get the finishing bit. Kaitlyn — not crying, but disturbed — says, “I just don’t feel like this is how I should have to do it.” Under this shot:
00:26-00:30: We get this tune-in promo:
This whole trailer can be properly broken down only by making it the Lowbrow Highlights Questionable Moment of the Week:
Britt didn’t say a word; does this mean she doesn’t make it past the vote? For the promo shoot, how did they manage to find a dress that makes Britt look pregnant? Does Kaitlyn have clothing that doesn’t sparkle? Why does every dude have facial hair? Do they really just have ONE minority again this season? Does anyone like candy corn? Does the best “fight” in the first episode really consist of some bro asking another bro, “What’s wrong with you, dude”? Is Chris Harrison going to be the Bachelor next season? Will we get a two-minute “this season on” promo before the season? Did you know that Juliet and I are recording the semi-annual “Bachelorette Bio Breakdown” live in Los Angeles at a venue where you can come watch?
Seriously, there’s three times more Kaitlyn than Britt in this. It would be weird if she weren’t on the show the rest of the season. Who would you vote for? Do you know that I think you are shallow if you picked Britt? Is there a single woman who would rather watch a Britt season than a Kaitlyn season? What is the over/under that you would set for “former Bachelor contestants with whom Chris Harrison has slept since getting divorced”? Is it in single, double, or triple digits? Are you as excited about this season as I am?
I hope you are. I also hope that you never have candy corn on a cupcake, listen to the Right Reasons podcast, and, as always, enjoy the shit out of your weekend.