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I’d Buy That for $20 a Month

In honor of the release of Jay Z’s new streaming music service, Tidal, we asked the Grantland staff what other services they’d pay $20 a month for.

This week, Jay Z debuted Tidal, a streaming music service whose makers say it offers better sound quality and something called a “curated editorial” experience. Which, we guess, means people are picking music for you. You know, kinda like the radio. That whole package will cost you $20 a month, twice what Spotify charges. We asked the Grantland staff what other services they’d pay $20 a month for.

Rembert Browne

  • The “FourFiveSeconds” Grammy performance on loop
  • All of the G.O.O.D. Friday tracks
  • A Fader, Vibe, and Jet covers slideshow
  • All of the Rap City freestyles and BET cyphers (high-fidelity, of course)
  • The full This Recording archive
  • Every issue of Eastbay
  • Every Sampras-Agassi match, plus the Sampras throw-up set vs. Corretja
  • Something that sent me notifications whenever someone posted clothing on eBay tagged “chaka khan”
  • Every crossover television show episode, as well as The Jetsons Meet the Flintstones
  • A good instructional video for how to tie a bow tie — one that doesn’t include that annoying sleight-of-hand fifth step
  • Every Rock N’ Jock game (baseball and basketball)
  • Pandora, but for picking out two Broadway shows a month that I should enjoy, based on my mood

Wesley Morris

  • An alert for real croissants within a thousand feet of where I am
  • Help for Emma Stone to make 12 movies a year
  • Help for Lupita Nyong’o to make even one
  • A blog that just did hot takes on Beats headphones
  • Archived issues of Star Hits and Right On!
  • Something that makes every time I see the video for “Love Will Never Do (Without You)” the first time
  • Let’sRaiseMoneyToBuyAdamantiumForJuanMartí

Shea Serrano

  • A service that sends alerts to my phone every time one of my favorite parts of a movie was coming on TV
  • A thing that anytime someone tweeted me about J. Cole they’d get a DM that was a video of a person making fart noises for 60 seconds
  • A subscription to a website that is just a slideshow of photos of Tim Duncan doing ordinary things like riding a bicycle or holding a butter knife
  • A program that allows me to paste the link to a fight clip someone made in Vine and it’d show me the full video of that fight
  • A program that allows me to paste the link to a fight clip someone made in Vine and it’d show me the full video of that fight (I really want this)

Ryan O’Hanlon

  • The ability to stream “a historical drama in which Nelson Mandela lifts weights on the beach while he watches a cruise ship sink a couple of miles offshore” on my phone
  • A daily newsletter version of the Guardian’s “Said & Done” column
  • A digital copy of the April 2015 issue of Shooting Gazette
  • A subscription to a Joe Biden/Paul Pogba fan-fiction zine
  • A bot that locates anyone who owns these cleats in a size 10 and finds me his or her home address, Social Security number, relevant negotiating weaknesses, deepest insecurities, darkest secrets, etc.

Dave Schilling

  • A sequel to the world’s greatest movie (Dredd), which only I can watch
  • On-demand life advice from Cookie Lyon from Empire
  • Unlimited daps from Kobe Bryant (or Derek Fisher, if Kobe’s not available)
  • The jet pack from Thunderball … for my commute to work
  • Access to the entire back catalogue of National Lampoon before 1980

Holly Anderson

  • A bot that automatically unfollows, blocks, and reports for spam any user in my Twitter timeline threatening to unfollow a celebrity with more than 100K followers over some imagined offense
  • A bot/script that auto-responds to every “follow so I can DM” request with this
  • High-quality streaming access to every episode of Sports Night with all the laugh tracks taken out
  • All of Steve Martin’s unreleased banjo tracks

Sean Fennessey

  • Spotify/endless music delivery system
  • Netflix/endless movie delivery system
  • Digitized tablet versions of Wizard/Spy/Entertainment Weekly/Sports Illustrated, circa 1993-97
  • A weekly variety pack of pretzels, mixing flavors, styles, and brands
  • A strap-on electroshock unit that disallows Twitter usage

Mark Lisanti

  • Jeremy Piven’s Instagram feed soundtracked with lossless streaming audio recordings of his joyful amateur drumming
  • Exclusive insider access to premium features on Vin Diesel’s Facebook page
  • An all-guitar-solo playlist service curated by a rotating lineup of editors including Steve Vai, Eddie Van Halen, Joe Satriani, Yngwie Malmsteen, Eric Johnson, Slash, and the ghost of Jimi Hendrix
  • An all–Billy Corgan–talking-shit-about-prominent-musicians-of-the-’90s channel
  • Something where Kanye emails me pictures of dope sofas like four or five times a month

Dan Fierman

  • Selective, advanced AI pre-outrage auto-Twitter mute
  • Shane Black email insult punch-up generator
  • Five daily style tips from Dwyane Wade’s stylist (Note: Not from Wade himself. His stylist.)
  • Val Kilmer’s version of Goop, whatever that would be (besides glorious, obviously)
  • Vintage 1999–2001 Pedro Martinez clips on infinite loop

Katie Baker

  • A monthly members-only Google Hangout with Martha Stewart and her chowchow Genghis Khan
  • Complete searchable Mike and the Mad Dog archives (would pay an additional $5 if they threw in streams of old Mike Breen spots on Imus in the Morning)
  • Up-to-the-minute, high-definition photographic alerts of the best cloud formations around the world
  • A 12-step program to wean me off an overreliance on exclamation points in emails
  • Recipe blogs without commenters who were out of cinnamon so used cumin instead and concluded that this recipe SUCKS!

Chris Ryan

  • Digitally remastered streaming of hip-hop mixtapes from 1998-2008
  • Turner Classic Movies on demand
  • Access to a site that broadcasts full episodes of Yo! MTV Raps and 120 Minutes
  • A stream of NFL football games that have no commercials and instead show shots of the fans or sidelines during stoppages in play