Flying legs. Handcuffs. Bloodbaths. Bottle shots. Pageant gangsters. Boners. Sirens. Death threats.
Gun shot, gun shot, air horn, gun shot, siren, gun shot, air horn, gun shot, gun shot.
WHAT A FUCKING WEEK!
With the stupid The Bachelorette airing the even stupider “Men Tell All” episode, I was expecting a dull week of reality TV. It proved to be anything but. In fact, I doubt we’ll ever see a crazier week.
Air horn. Gun shot. Air horn. Let’s do this.
Bachelor in Paradise Trailer Breakdown
When did humanity reach its artistic apex? Some might say with the Sistine Chapel, or with the pyramids, or with Mona Lisa’s smile. But they’d be wrong, because we got the real answer this week: the Bachelor in Paradise trailer.
As great as the trailer is, what really gets me most excited for this upcoming show is Chris Harrison’s excitement for this upcoming show. Every time he brought up Bachelor in Paradise during the stupid “Men Tell All” show, he had a mischievous, excited look on his face, like he was about to push somebody into the pool. And when he talked to the cast, they all exchanged knowing looks, suggesting they’d formed the same kind of bond that comes from sharing a Vegas trip that went horribly wrong. Clearly, the Bachelor in Paradise trailer has earned the full GRTFL breakdown treatment:
(Time stamps correspond to the beginning of the trailer itself.)
00:00-00:39: I love how the trailer leads with the “Everything sucks, this is hell, I wish I never came here” crying people section. Some yelling transitions into some comforting, some comforting transitions into some crying, some crying transitions into some chick saying, “This is a living hell.” Great start.
00:39-00:45: This is the “Dude gets a love letter from back home” section. It looks like Marcus is on the receiving end of the letter, while Utah Jazz franchise destroyer/Carlos Boozer ex Michelle Money is on the receiving end of the heartbreak. Hell hath no rebound make-out fury like a Michelle Money scorned.
00:45-1:01: This is the “Everyone is pissed off and wishes they’d never come on this stupid show” section. Check out the quotes:
“I thought it was going to be so different.”
“You think I’m stupid, you want [fucking] drama?”
“Oh, my god.”
“This is insaaaaaane.”
“My wish is that this was a dream and I could wake up from it.”
“I regret getting on that plane.”
[Crying.] “WHY AM I HERE?”
YES! You know a reality show is good if everyone who’s on it wishes they weren’t.
1:01-1:18: This is the “We have hot people on this show and they don’t wear a lot of clothing” section. Look, if a reality show has hot people who don’t wear a lot of clothing, that reality show has a shot. My favorite part of this section was when the franchise with a long history of controversial oceanic coitus gave us this shot:
On The Bachelor we get ocean coitus; on Bachelor in Paradise we get OCEAN COITUS ORGIES!
1:18-2:10: This is the “Here’s a solid minute of people falling in love and making out” section. We get all kinds of make-out types: beach make-outs, cave make-outs, pool make-outs, ocean make-outs, Aztec ruin make-outs, and probably more make-out clips the producers haven’t fired up yet.
2:10-2:38: This is the “We stole our format from Paradise Hotel” section, in which Chris drops this explainer: “Each week, new arrivals will change everything. If they find love, they get to stay, if they don’t, it’s time to leave paradise forever.” Oh yeah, this is also the “Even weirder make-outs” make-out section. Check out the make-out progression:
First comes the traditional oceanic coitus:
Then comes a little same-sex smooching:
Then comes whatever the hell this is:
2:38-3:16: This is the “Yeah, everyone found love and made out … but then they broke up” section. The highlight comes when Elise, some chick you probably forgot from Juan Pablo’s season, explains to Dylan, the sad-date guy from Andi’s season, “Yeah, there was a kiss involved, but I was thinking about you the whole time.” Brilliant. Just brilliant.
3:16-4:02: This is the “We’re going to make it look like there was a murder so everyone has to watch the whole season because who wants to miss the televised murder episode?” section. It’s impossible to tell what actually happens from the trailer. It’s not even clear if it’s only one incident. Before I present some possible deductions, here are some facts:
- One dude tells another dude, “I will punch you in your face.”
- Some dude runs down the beach at night. Not, like, jogging though. Sprinting.
- Production breaks the fourth wall and gets involved.
- Chris announces, “There was an incident that I think you should be made aware of.”
- Someone says, “There was blood all over the floor.”
- A woman is in an ambulance.
Now, if you put all of those facts together, it’s possible this is merely movie magic, a bunch of isolated incidents strung together by a savvy editor to make it look like someone on Bachelor in Paradise went on a murderous rampage. However, if you put all of those facts together, it’s also possible that someone on Bachelor in Paradise actually went on a murderous rampage.
Oh yeah, one more thing: SOMEONE GETS HANDCUFFED:
This show is going to be so good.
Aviva (The Real Housewives of New York City), 1,000,000 points
If you aren’t familiar with The Real Housewives of New York City: (a) great work, (b) they argue a lot, and (c) Aviva, one of the women on the show, has a prosthetic left leg from the knee down. This week, on the season finale, the show staged one of those “events” that’s really just an excuse to get everyone in the same room so they can be mean to each other for the cameras. At one point, when Heather was attacking Aviva for whatever reason, Aviva stopped being polite and started being real. REALLY REAL. She screamed, “The only thing artificial or fake about me …” And then:
“… IS THIS! I’m sick of it! I’m sick of you all accusing me.”
Had she been planning this move for years? Probably. Did that make it any less entertaining? Absolutely not. Sitting through hours and hours of this show’s mindless bullshit finally paid off.
New Show: Dating Naked
It’s no secret that I love The Bachelor and Naked and Afraid, but I wasn’t sure if I’d also love the VH1 show Dating Naked. Well, I did. The premise is simple: Send a naked man and a naked woman on three dates with naked people, and then have each contestant pick which partner he or she liked best. There’s a little more to it, but let’s be real: Nothing matters aside from the fact that they’re naked and they’re dating. This week’s GRTFL Top Five is The Top Five Best Things About Dating Naked, listed from “Oh, I guess that’s cool” to “Why don’t they just cancel television and put this show on repeat?”
5. The dinner format shift: After a full day of being naked, for some unexplained reason they put clothes on to eat. The thing is, they’ve already seen each other naked, so the clothes don’t stay on for long.
4. The erection question: While you watch the show, you’ll probably just sit there wondering what measures the men take to ensure they don’t get too excited. Or what measures they take to ensure that they DO get excited. I’ve never been on a naked dating show; I don’t know what the play is.
3. The hug or handshake debate: Even in real life, when we’re all wearing clothes, there’s that funny “Should this be a handshake or a hug?” moment during an introduction. Without clothes, that same awkward moment becomes absolutely soaked in awkward sauce. It’s oddly entertaining.
2. The amazing weird shit:
This is a man named Justice pouring a bottle of Jack Daniel’s down a beautiful naked woman’s throat. I’d ask if this is even legal, but the man’s name is Justice, so it must be.
1). No blurred butt cheeks: Honestly, the exposed ass crack is the most impactful TV innovation since color.
My biggest critique of this show is that the host should also be naked. Seriously, lighten up, Paffrath.
New Show: Game of Crowns
This is a show about women competing for … well … who cares: It’s basically about a bunch of washed-up pageant queens being weird, spending money, getting surgery, and competing for sashes. Look, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I pay attention when this show is on. HOWEVER, I am going to sit here and tell you there were two things that happened this week that I couldn’t avoid paying attention to. The first one was a painting hanging in one of the women’s homes. I present it without commentary:
The second needs some explanation. So, these women were watching a pageant, and they made some friendly wagers about which women would place where. One of the spectators guessed right and was audibly excited when one of the contestants failed to advance. Well, that contestant’s husband wasn’t happy. Now, I don’t know much about pageant culture, but celebrating someone’s exit does seem to be poor form. So did the ousted contestant’s husband calmly mention he was upset by the woman’s reaction? No. HE HAD HIS FATHER THREATEN THE LIFE OF THE WOMAN’S HUSBAND.
You don’t believe me, do you? I mean, who would take a giggle at a pageant and turn it into a murder threat? That doesn’t even make any sense. Know what else doesn’t make any sense? ANYTHING ON THIS SHOW. Since I knew you wouldn’t believe me, I took a screen grab:
OK, what you see here is three generations of pageant gangsters. The gentleman on the far right is the scorned husband who got upset when the spectator laughed at his wife; he’s a second-generation pageant gangster. The gentleman on the far left — you know, the one making the death threat — is the father-in-law of the ousted contestant; he’s a first-generation pageant gangster. The boy in the middle is their son and grandson, respectively; he’s a third-generation pageant gangster.
The craziest part about this pageant gangster death threat is that it wasn’t played up for the sake of reality TV. The guy making the death threat isn’t on the show. He wasn’t miked, and he probably didn’t know that the giggler was miked. He’s 100 percent serious about his death threat. Shit is real in the pageant field. This show is too heady for me; I don’t think I’m going to watch next week. Oh wait, yes I will.
Check back next week to see which dude is going to be Andi’s first ex-husband, whether anyone gets killed on Game of Crowns, and if the second episode of Dating Naked lived up to the first. In the meantime, listen to the Right Reasons podcast and, most importantly, enjoy the fuck out of your weekend.