Sometimes bad things happen to good people (me obviously being the good person in this story). Such was the case this year when my 15-year-old stepdaughter broke the only rule I ever set in our home: NO GINGERS ALLOWED. She knew this rule and chose to disobey it by bringing a cold, clammy devil dragon into my safe haven. This devil ginger was a tricky little fucker, too. Constantly smiling while saying “please” and “thank you” as if she were a functioning member of society and not a transparent-devil-child-with-dead-shark-eyes-from-the-depths-of-Hell. I watched the blood run through her cold, see-thru skin while I pretended everything was fine. Many moments from this evening I’ve chosen to forget or were sucked out of my brain by the red-headed devil who briefly terrorized my home one quiet January night. Keep in mind, the tweets are 100 percent accurate and in no way, shape, or form exaggerated, as many have suggested.
The Hollywood Prospectus is soliciting nominations for sensational Twitter rants. Please send your favorites to firstname.lastname@example.org. Buzz Bissinger entries will not be honored.