You can bet on it

Words can’t describe it; I won’t even try. Just imagine the greatest sports bar on the planet, than multiply that by 20. I’ll never forget the look on my buddy Geoff’s face when we walked into our first sports book (Treasure Island, ’97) together for the first time. I nearly swallowed my tongue, but Geoff went into some sort of trance, like a kid seeing 40 wrapped presents under a Christmas tree: totally frozen, a glazed smile on his face, his head slowly bobbing to the left and to the right.

(He looked like Michael Myers in “Halloween” after Myers stabbed that guy against the wall and lifted him three feet up in the air. Remember how Myers
took a step back and just stared at the guy, admiring his work, his head shifting left, then right? That was Geoff.)

Sports Books always split into two sides: horse racing on the left, pro sports on the right. The two sides never really mix; you could even claim
that there’s a little tension at times. The veteran horse-racing gamblers always seem crusty and unhappy, like they’ve been sitting in the same seat
for weeks on end (your typical horse-racing gambler is wearing a Nylon jacket, smoking Winstons, drinking coffee and sitting at a desk that has a
plate of half-eaten chicken wings on it). And you know it drives them crazy that everyone makes so much noise on the sports side.

The crowd on the pro sports side always seems more diverse: Lifers mixed in with “All-American Guys between 20 and 35 who are really, really happy
to be there.” It’s not the best place to meet women, unless you think you can pick up one of the waitresses (not a chance).

You can’t even imagine what it’s like here on Sunday afternoon, when all the early NFL games are wrapping up at the same time and people are screaming and
clapping at various times. Utter, complete chaos. Even Wednesday night, when the Celtics-Pacers, Bucks-Wizards and Hornets-76ers games were all heading into crunch-time at the same time, the room was pulsing with life. If you love sports, you need to venture to Vegas at least once to understand what I’m describing here. It’s that good.

Along those same lines, you can’t even imagine how the Giant Wall can suck you in. On Wednesday afternoon, I was determined just to wager on the Bucks over the Wizards (remember the days when “Never, ever bet against MJ” was Rule No. 1 in gambling?). Glancing at the Giant Wall, I noticed that you could wager $100 to win $165 on the Hornets (4-point dogs) to win outright in Philly. Hmmmmm.

Before I knew what was happening, I had thrown the Hornets into my Wednesday mix. Even when I was walking away with my Bucks and Hornets tickets in my hand, I was thinking to myself, “Why?” Of course, Charlotte lost. That’s the power of the Giant Wall.

One other sports book note: You can wager on “future” bets: Who will win the Super Bowl, who will win the AFC, who will win the NBA title, and so on. As
you probably noticed, we’re running these “future bets” on the right side of this column as a sidebar.

Some quick comments:

Here were the movers and shakers this winter:

1. The Bears started at 75-1 … now they’re 6-1. (Just ludicrous. 6-1????)

2. The Niners and Steelers started at 50-1 … now they’re 12-1.

3. The Browns moved from 200-1 to 30-1.

4. The most notable NCAA movers were BC (20-1 to 15-1) and Utah (150-1 to 100-1).

5. The Islanders dropped from 200-1 to 25-1 (and you know they have Vegas terrified).

6. In the “How stupid can people be?” department, the Wizards started off at 400-1 and were wagered down to 25-1.

Four intriguing possibilities:

1. The Timberwolves: 25-1 odds, and they’re probably the second-best team in the West. A possible long-shot bet just in case Shaq or Kobe collide for the first-ever “Double Torn ACL.”

2. What about the Celtics (75-1) and the Nets (150-1) in the wide-open East? Stranger things have happened. You can’t tell me that there’s a great team in the East this season.

3. Memphis might suck me in at 30-1 to win the NCAAs. There’s something about DaJuan Wagner. … I’m getting “Fab Five” vibes from him.

4. The Dolphins look mildly jumpable at 10-1 to win the AFC championship. Are they really any better or worse than Oakland (2-1), Baltimore (4-1), Denver,
Pittsburgh and San Diego (5-1) and Tennessee (8-1)? And what about the Patriots at 30-1 to win the AFC and 60-1 to win the Super Bowl? Doesn’t the
AFC look wide-open this year?

Please note: I have won two “future bets” in my life — hitting big with the Broncos in both Super Bowl seasons (’97 and ’98). Of course, I haven’t won
since … but maybe that will change this trip. I’m leaning towards the Nets, T-Wolves and Memphis. Stay tuned.

As I mentioned before, my buddies start arriving Thursday night (since I’m writing this on Thursday at 3:30 in the afternoon, but you’re reading it on Friday, that means they arrived yesterday — I feel like Marty McFly). From the moment last September when I sent out the “They’re sending me to Vegas … VEHHHHHHH-GASSSSSSS!!!!!!” e-mail, the West Coast members of my posse (Bish, Geoff, Mikey and Hopper) immediately sprung into action; within hours, they were scouring the ‘Net for flights so they could spend at least 24 hours gambling with me.

At various times, everyone but Hopper claimed that they might not be able to make it … but I knew better. I have made five trips to Vegas in my life;
each of those guys has been there every time. And all of them ended up coming through this time. Of course they did.

Here’s a quick thumbnail sketch of my cohorts in Vegas crime. I inserted a make-believe friend in here … you’ll have to guess which one it is:

BISH: He was already traveling to L.A. this weekend for the UCLA-USC game, but he couldn’t bear the thought of everyone hanging out in Vegas without him, so
he arranged a one-night trip the night before (Thursday to Friday)… Bish and I have good blackjack chemistry — lots of high fives, running jokes and good vibes that usually infect the rest of the table before long (and if you don’t understand that explanation, well, you’ve never been to Vegas) … he usually plays the role of the “Excited guy who’s always ready to gamble.”

Vegas highlight: Best known for the time when we were walking the Strip three years ago, and I pointed to the “Siegfred and Roy” billboard in front
of the Mirage and joked, “Hey, are those guys gay?” and Bish answered in all seriousness, “Actually, I think they are.” Maybe the funniest thing that ever
happened.

GEOFF: Another high school friend (he’s the guy who goes into a trance when he enters a sports book) … staying from Thursday to Friday with Bish …
specializes in late-night craps and goofy hockey bets … probably the most fun person to play craps with on the planet, other than either Charles
Barkley or Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf … Geoff can be a little unpredictable — if he’s losing or bored, he’ll disappear for two hours, and you’ll find him at
some $10 craps table betting the “Don’t Come” line against a bunch of people who can’t speak English.

Vegas Highlight: This actually happened at the Mohegan Sun in Connecticut, but it counts, anyway. We had a legendary craps run there three years ago,
which lasted over an hour and was highlighted by Geoff and I only crapping out three times between us. People were actually shaking our hands
when it was over. I’m telling you, when they make the “SportsCentury And Beyond: Bill Simmons” show some day, they might devote an entire segment to
that night. Unfortunately, Geoff and I haven’t had much luck gambling together ever since. It’s like we used up all our collective luck that night.

COREY: Former movie star, now lives in L.A. … once appeared in such classics as “The Lost Boys,” “Lucas” and the camp classic “Blown Away” … broke off
engagement with Nicole Eggert in ’93 … subject of an unforgettable “E! True Hollywood Story” last month in which he babbled like a raving lunatic … as
long as he’s not popping pills, smoking crack, doing lines or snorting heroin, he’s a barrel of laughs … usually broke and insolent … everybody
refuses to room with him … I’m not sure why we invited him again.

Vegas highlight: Once punched out a bellboy at the MGM Grand who mistakenly called him “Mr. Feldman.”

MIKEY: Bish’s old roommate in San Fran … staying from Friday to Sunday with Hopper … much like David Cone, he’s a great guy to have in the clubhouse —
Mikey mediates all arguments, soothes over any disputes, always knows when to call it quits for the night, knows where all the good restuarants and buffets
are in Vegas, takes pictures of girls at the Mandalay Pool with his digital camera, etc. … subscribes to the Tony La Russa School of blackjack (you do
everything by the book) … possesses an uncanny knack for knowing how much he’s up/down during the course of the night … he’s also the wisest gambler in our group, rarely taking chances and always calling quits if it isn’t his night … a good balance for Hopper.

Vegas highlight: Not suitable for publication.

HOPPER: Another one of Bish’s old roommates … sometimes goes under the pseudonyms “Mr. Vegas” and “Captain Vegas” … put it this way: You could
call him at 4:30 on a Friday afternoon and tell him, “Hey, I’m in Vegas, wanna meet me?” and Hopper would be there by 7:30 … he’s a surreal
combination of every character from “Swingers,” but with a much more manageable bank account … bonus points here for two things: 1) he gambles
enough money to get rooms comped, and 2) you can always count on him to become drunk and belligerent at least once during every Vegas trip, which
always makes “Tales At The Buffet Table” more lively the following morning.

Vegas highlight: Drove former Redskins coach Norv Turner from a $25 blackjack table last April at Mandalay (when the Coach was winning, no less)
by looking at the ceiling and screaming, “The Coach … is … killing me.” This happened after Turner was winning big and inexplicably turned
conservative, staying on “16” three different times when the dealer had a “10” showing. If you know anything about Turner’s tenure in Washington, you
can attest to how funny this story is. I swear to God, it happened.

(This also led to Hopper’s famous theory that NFL owners should play blackjack with prospective coaches before they actually hire them, just to
make sure they’re getting the right guy. As Hopper always says, “You can learn a lot about a person when you’re playing blackjack with them.” In the
words of Kurt Angle, “It’s true, it’s true.”)

So that’s my group of friends, the West Coast contingent, anyway. I’ll let you know how things turned out for us next week.