Patient X, I don’t know your name I just know you as the person who got everyone sick at the Super Bowl in Dallas. Thanks to you, I’ve been sick for 10 solid days and counting. It started out as bronchitis, morphed into a sinus infection, and now I just sit around coughing up oysters and mixing medications like Walter White. Am I the first person who ever made a cup of daytime Theraflu, sprinkled Sudafed in it, then chugged it down with two Mucinex? I sure hope so.
Normally, I don’t care about being sick when it’s an excuse to skip work, stay in bed and watch bad TV. But this month? I cared. I hadn’t written my annual “Who has the highest NBA trade value?” column yet. Time was running out with the trade deadline looming next week. Sources say that sources tell me that sources say that according to sources, sources say Carmelo Anthony may or may not get traded soon. I had to get this sucker up before it happened. Patient X, I wouldn’t let you defeat me. I fought through the pain. I fought through the hacking, the orange pee, the pounding headache, the wheezing, the drug-fueled haze it couldn’t stop me.
You know what the key moment was? On Tuesday, I was watching John Tesh’s “Roundball Rock” performance at Catalina Island (the official video of the Trade Value column) to get fired up when it struck me that Tesh might be the only person who has a bigger head than me. I have a huge noggin, but Tesh’s head is like Sputnik. And as I was staring at it, I started imagining my head on Tesh’s body. That led me to e-mail a YouTube guru called The Sports Gifter, who made enjoyable Scarface/LeBron and Griffin/Mozgov videos last year, to ask if he’d remake the “Roundball Rock” video with my head on Tesh’s body. The Gifter graciously agreed. A few hours later, I had my own video and enough energy to finish this monstrosity of a column. I always wanted to know what it would be like to wear a pirate’s blouse while playing “Roundball Rock.” Thank you, Gifter.