Here’s your Tuesday whip-around on the stories dominating the headlines and lingering in the margins of the NFL. No pads needed.
- Colts quarterback Peyton Manning just got off the PUP list and, man, is his neck tired. When pressed on how he was feeling following his neck surgery, and how his condition has impacted his throwing motion or his ability to be disappointed in his receivers, Manning humorously invoked his right to privacy under the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996. “I don’t know what HIPAA stands for, but I believe in it and I practice it. I’ll leave it at that,” he said. Upon hearing the statement, backup QB Curtis Painter began to frantically look for the “HIPAA Set” in the Colts’ playbook.
- Here’s a scenario that you should really get used to because it’s going to probably play out a few times this season. Ndamukong Suh piledrives an opposing player into the ground during a game. People call Ndamukong Suh “dirty” for doing so. Ndamukong Suh defends himself. Rinse and repeat.
- One of those players who Suh has violently introduced to the ground is Bengals rookie quarterback Andy Dalton. Since then, Dalton has coped by embracing his new nickname, “The Red Rifle.” This will surely lead to a couple of weeks of Dalton running around, saying things like “The Rifle is loaded and ready for war!” or, when he’s tired, “The Rifle is all outta ammo!” until some veteran finally takes him aside and tells him it’s not a very cool nickname.
- From now on, if you’re in a restaurant, and you see someone with the proper training trying to save a choking diner’s life by calmly and professionally applying the Heimlich Maneuver, and you push said Heimlich applier out of the way and punch the diner in the back so hard he or she stops choking that’s gonna be called giving someone “The Shockey.” Just so we’re all on the same page.
- You might be having second thoughts about drafting Arian Foster in your fantasy league due to his problematic hamstring. But if you’re league has a scoring system for “Most Reasonable And Well Adjusted Person In The League” he should still be at the top of your draft board.
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