Look, there are plenty of places on this very website and many others where you can read thoughtful, measured responses to Week 1 quarterback performances. This is not that place. KEVIN KOLB IS THE GREATEST QUARTERBACK IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND! PEYTON MANNING IS A CYBORG FORGED OUT OF OLD CAR PARTS AND VICTORY JUICE! TIM TEBOW SHOULD BE A SLOT RECEIVER! What was that? That last one is actually a thoughtful, measured response? My bad.
Quick update on the (aptly named) BQBL Failure Machine. Like the quarterbacks we celebrate, its performance has not been perfect. We are feverishly working on ironing out all the kinks, and your super-friendly, understanding e-mails to firstname.lastname@example.org are a big help with that, so don’t hesitate to drop us a line. We’ll figure it out.
Three and Out
Browns (Brandon Weeden), 77 points: Brandon. Fucking. Weeden. The Ginger Cringer was tremendous in his BQBL debut. It’s Tuesday morning, so you have already heard all about his 5.1 Dolby Surround Sound QB Rating, his 2-for-13-on-third-down brilliance, and his being eaten, rejected, and then vomited out by the American flag itself.
Here at BQBL headquarters we don’t just scratch the surface of the polluted pool of ineptitude, nor do we take a deep dive into it. We snorkel it while searching for glorious little statistical nuggets that illuminate just how much these men shrank in the spotlight. Did you know that you completed as many passes more than 10 yards as The Ginger Cringer did last week? On his nine attempts more than 10 yards down the field, Weeden put up an astonishing 33 percent interception rate. Yes, on those nine attempts, Weeden threw three of his four picks. When he sealed the defeat with his fourth, he was done scoring BQBL points for Week 1, but he wasn’t done scoring BQBL points. This rookie has the BQBL savvy of a 28-year-old veteran, and after the game, managed to give BQBL Browns owners a head start on next week’s matchup with an unprecedented Week 1 “Brandon Weeden is our starting quarterback” from head coach Pat Shurmur. Shurmur added, “and he is going to get better.” BQBLers smiled, nodded, and whispered to themselves, “Yes he is, Coach, Yes. He. Is.”
Eagles (Mike Vick), 54 points: Mike Vick is a fierce competitor with the heart of a champion that pumps determination juice through his veins. On this warm September day in northern Ohio, Michael Dwayne Vick was determined not to let his opposition beat him on the field of play. When Vick put his hand to his heart and honored the national anthem before the game, he looked across the field at Brandon Weeden and said to himself, “I know this won’t be easy, I know I am facing a formidable opponent, but today, there is no way I am going to let a rookie outscore me in the BQBL.” With that commitment, Vick took the field and put on a show. Driven by the purity of the putridity of his opponent, Vick’s failure was furious in its focus. From the 7:30 mark of the third quarter to 14:00 left in the fourth quarter, ONLY 8:30 OF PLAY, Vick managed to throw three incompletions, two interceptions, and a TAINT. The man’s will simply was not going to let Weeden get the BQBL best of him that day.
Near the end of the game, down six points and a mere four yards away from certain real-football victory, Vick did everything he could to earn BQBL supremacy as he lofted a pass right into the arms of Browns linebacker LJ Ford. Alas, Ford could not hang on. Distraught, Vick threw a touchdown pass and allowed Weeden the opportunity to seal the BQBL battle with a final pick of his own. I don’t know how Vick is going to bounce back from this. Hopefully Andy Reid will be badgered into giving him a vote of confidence in the mid-week press conference.
Bills (Ryan Fitzpatrick), 48 points: Oh, hello old friend Ryan Pickspatrick. It seems like just yesterday you were TAINTing your way onto the BQBL summer jam screen on a weekly basis. Let’s have a look at your interception total over the last five games dating back to last season give us a second, Mr. Pickspatrick, there are a lot here 12. Twelve picks in the last five games that Ryan Pickspatrick has played — three of them on Sunday. Let’s go into the mind, snap by snap, of this BQBL high scorer as he started fresh in 2012:
First snap: “Why would I establish a snap count before switching it up? That is so old-school.” (False start penalty.)
Second snap: “Oh, look at that, 13-yard pass play. My QB rating is a gazillion right now.”
Third snap: “Why do we even call running plays?” (Three-yard loss.)
Fourth snap: “Oh yeah, that’s why they call running plays.” (Interception no. 1.)
Fifth snap: “OK, rust officially shaken off, three-yard run, not bad. Four of those and we are moving the chains ”
Sixth snap: “Boom, six-yard gain through the air. I’m back, baby!”
Seventh snap: “I’m picking you guys apart. We are winning the AFC East and I am going to be MVP. This is my year!”
Eighth snap: “What? You didn’t think I could tuck and run the ball? I added that to my game in the offseason when I went to Houston to work out with Hakeem Olajuwon.” (Nine-yard QB scramble.)
Ninth snap: “The only reason that run worked is because they are so terrified of my passing prowess.” (Four-yard gain.)
10th snap: “Catch the ball, man. That is my first incompletion. Interceptions aren’t incompletions, right?”
11th snap: “OK, maybe this isn’t my year. I am about to lose my job to Tarvaris Jackson.” (Interception no. 2.)
Dolphins (Ryan Tannehill), 39 points: Tannehill showed tons of BQBL promise. In the second quarter against the Texans, he was intercepted on THREE CONSECUTIVE POSSESSIONS. Read that again. (Insert joke about his hot wife here.)
Chiefs (Matt Cassel), 37 points: Unassuming, methodical awfulness is what we have come to expect from Matt Cassel.
Colts (Andrew Luck), 30 points: The best thing about Luck and Tannehill is that their teams are so bad you know they are going to get clobbered, get frazzled, throw picks, and have to go back out there and do it over and over again because they will be down three scores in the second quarter. This whole five-rookie-QB thing is going to be great for the BQBL.
Steelers (Ben Roethlisberger), 27 points: Please let Byron Leftwich see some action this season, please let Byron Leftwich see some action this season, please let Byron Leftwich see some action this season
Lions (Matt Stafford), 26 points: Was this dramatic comeback win more encouraging for Lions fans or BQBL owners? I have no idea why that didn’t lead PTI yesterday.
Bears (Jay Cutler), 19 points: OK, Mr. Cavallari didn’t even have a bad game. That must mean it is time to end the column.
Check back next week for more spectacular failure, and don’t forget to e-mail us at Triangle@grantland.com.