The Hard Knocks — Real World: Atlanta premiere was incredible, especially if you get as excited watching MTV Cribs as you do actual football. It’s clear my Birds know they have only five episodes to be themselves on HBO, so they’re showing out left and right. One can only hope this also leads to a Super Bowl, but for now I’ll just celebrate the players, coaches, and family members being as Atlanta as humanly possible.
The 40 Most Atlanta Things That Happened in This Episode, Ranked
40. James Stone singing “I Believe I Can Fly,” continuing this season’s Hard Knocks karaoke trend.
39. Fighting. Always fighting.
38. This episode’s completely absurd, unexplained cameo, by way of Lance Armstrong.
37. Roddy White, begging the defense to not hit so hard.
36. Prince Shembo, kind of looking and always sounding like Bubba Gump.
35. A crew of rookies, clowning fellow rookie Jacques Smith for getting hit with a five-hit punch combo the previous week, in front of Jacques Smith.
34. This bro look, by GM Thomas Dimitroff.
33. This exponentially bro bro look, by GM Thomas Dimitroff.
32. Any and all playful bickering between Roddy White and William Moore.
31. WR Harry Douglas’s wife telling Harry she’s ready to have a child, on camera, because new reality show, coming to you fall 2015 on VH1. I see what you just did there, Kierra Douglas, and I respect it.
30. Speaking of: Hey, Kim.
29. Ra’Shede Hageman, admitting that he’d rather go to sleep than go to Sean Weatherspoon’s house and look at tape with Sean Weatherspoon.
28. “I still love you, Tony” —QB Matt Ryan, talking about the retired Tony Gonzalez, obviously still missing the retired Tony Gonzalez, since the retired Tony Gonzalez isn’t there.
27. WR coach Terry Robiskie, on his wide receivers: “They ain’t scared to work, they still houngry, I’m still houngry, they still houngry.”
26. Ricardo Allen, zip-lining near Lake Lanier.
25. The fact that some of our professional football tackling equipment is already broken.
24.-20. The reactions to Roosevelt Nix-Jones getting cut:
“That’s my boy, that felt like I’ve known him for a year.”
“My boy gone.”
“That shit crazy.”
“That shit got real for y’all.”
“Nooo, I was looking for him.”
19. Georgia Aquarium cameo.
18. Rookies Ra’Shede Hageman and Marquis Spruill, in bucket hats, at the Georgia Aquarium.
16. Weatherspoon coming off the elevator in a beanie and a Louis Vuitton backpack, on a leg scooter.
15. “Them shits.” —Marquis Spruill, referring to the sharks in the aquarium that he and Hageman swam with.
14. “I can’t fuck with that.” —Devonta Freeman, referring to “them shits.”
13. “I think we’re gonna be good.” —Joe Hawley, jinxing the Falcons before the end of the first preseason game.
12. Tyler Starr’s son, the future prince of Atlanta, keeping it too real.
ELEVEN THROUGH ONE ARE DEDICATED TO DEFENSIVE LINE COACH BRYAN COX, FOR HE IS THE MAYOR OF ATLANTA
11. Bryan Cox, turning his bucket hat into a Stetson.
10. To Ra’Shede Hageman: “You a class clown because you too cool for school.”
9. To team: “Why the fuck don’t you listen to me? Just answer me that. Why the fuck don’t you listen to me?”
8. That stick of dynamite–size cigar.
7. His white pants, a.k.a. the “celebrity golf tournament” look.
6. The Bryan Cox Advice Over Cigars Circle, Starring Bryan Cox.
5. “You can drink yourself to sleep — go get your hands on some Everclear.”
4. “A man without some kind of habit got a lot of skeletons.”
3. “Somebody buried in his basement. He’s got about three wives. You know, a serial killer.”
2. “I don’t want no Schlitz Malt Liquor, I want Bud Light.”
1. “If you ain’t got a vice, something’s wrong with you. This a good smoke.”