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The 2012 NBA Draft Lottery Awards

Rich Cho, Zachary Leonsis, and Monty WilliamsYes, the lucky recipients of the top three draft picks are what mattered in the 2012 NBA Draft Lottery, but the real excitement came in the introductions of the teams and their representatives. The winners and losers:

Most Likely to Try to Seduce America (and Succeed)

Chandler Parsons, Houston Rockets


“Chandler, you’re up first. Just go for it. If you do that wink thing that always works in the bars in Houston, imagine the effect it’ll have on all the young women watching on television. All the puzzle pieces are there, the only thing that’s missing is the wink. The tie is slightly loose, which shows a certain calm even in such a high-pressure situation, and the faux-hawk is on point. This is your moment, Chandler. Just wink. You’re the man.” — Chandler Parsons’s Brain

Most Likely to Try to Seduce America (and Fail)

Peter Guber, Golden State Warriors


“Oh yes, Peter, it’s NBA Draft Lottery time, which only means one thing: Break. Out. The. Bedazzler. Sure, you won’t be up on the podium like that square GM of ours, but that’s the point.”


“After America has grown tired of looking at him, they’ll flash to me and BOOM. STUDS GALORE. This is your moment, Peter. Show this great country how sexy and fashion-forward you are, once and for all.” — Peter Guber’s Brain

Also a winner in the following categories:
Most Likely to Bedazzle a Shirt Successfully
Most Likely to Secretly Hate His General Manager
Most Likely to Have a Room Full of Monogrammed Bedazzlers
Most Likely to Have Lost Millions in the ’80s off of Poor Bedazzle-Related Investments
Most Likely to Publicly Hate His General Manager

Most Likely to Bring a Posse That Has Something for Everyone

Dan Gilbert, Cleveland Cavaliers


“This is so perfect. I’ve got my son out there on the podium because he’s my good-luck charm.


“But just in case lightning doesn’t strike twice, I’ve got the reinforcements. We’ve got Kyrie Irving, our no. 1 pick from last year. We’ve got ME, obviously, looking phenomenal. And if that’s not enough, we’ve got these two little kids that are half of the Cleveland boy band I just started. Oh, and we’re all going to wear the same glasses and bow ties. This is just the best idea ever. I’m a genius. F LeBron.” — Dan Gilbert’s Brain

Most Likely to Get Photobombed by Those Kids in Dan Gilbert’s Boy Band

Ted Leonsis, Washington Wizards owner


“Look at my son out there, making poppa proud.”


“I could cry right now. But I can’t. Must save face and — most of all — must beat Dan Gilbert. He thinks he’s so cool bringing his son out there, but guess what? You aren’t the only one with a son. Look at Zachary. What a class act. No goofy bow tie, no silly glasses, just pure class. That little posse that Gilbert brought better not ruin this for me, either, especially when they turn the camera my way. All I want to do is be the Wizards owner and a proud father. Nothing more. Don’t ruin this for me, Gilbert & Co., or you will pay.” — Ted Leonsis’s Brain

Most Likely to Be Overshadowed for the First Time in Her Life

Adrienne Maloof, Sacramento Kings


“I know they’re going to sit me next to Brooklyn’s Jay-Z seat, and he’s a star and all, but I’m the only woman out here and I’m the flyest. By far. Wait, who the hell just sat down next to me?” — Adrienne Maloof, out loud

Most Likely to Overshadow Adrienne Maloof

Irina Pavlova, Onexim Sports & Entertainment


“I am natural beauty and you are fake beauty and I will crush you.” — Irina Pavlova, via passed note to Adrienne Maloof

Most Likely to Have Disobeyed Strict Wardrobe Order From Team Owner

Rich Cho, Charlotte Bobcats general manager


“I can’t believe Michael wants me to wear his flare acid-washed jeans, Hawaiian dashiki, and sleeveless XXL blazer to the NBA Draft Lottery. I just can’t do it. I have to find a way out of it. I’m going to be on TV, I’ll be the laughingstock of America if I wear it. The youth of the Internets will make Tumblrs dedicated to my 30 seconds on television. I can’t. There’s got to be a way out of it. Maybe when he goes to the bathroom I’ll just hop in my car, drive to the airport, and fly out of Charlotte and claim to have left it on ‘accident.’ Yeah. That’s what I’ll do. Smart, Rich. Very smart. God, I better win this no. 1 pick in my own outfit, though, or I’m beyond fired.” — Rich Cho’s Brain