J.R. Smith is a human with a cell phone so I sent him some text messages.
Me: Hello? Yo. J.R. It’s Shea.
J.R.: What’s up?
Me: Hey, man. Saw that Jason Terry thing?
J.R.: ?? what thing? His head? Yeah, I’ve seen it. You should see it in person. It’s amazing.
Me: no, fool. The championship thing.
J.R.: nah
Me: OK, so remember when you accidentally said the knicks were gonna win the title this year?
J.R.: NOT AN ACCIDENT
Me: well, I mean, OK sure.
J.R.: you don’t think we’re gonna win the title?
Me: well I guess I just need to know what title before I answer
J.R.: NBA
Me: oh. Um, then no.
J.R.: bro, you know we have Carmelo Anthony and Amar’e Stoudemire right?
Me: yes
J.R.: then?
Me: but you know that they’re Carmelo Anthony and Amar’e Stoudemire, right?
J.R.: Carmelo just won the scoring title
Me: yeah, but he also wore cornrows for like nine years
J.R.: :/
Me: cornrows are the spirit enemy of nba championships
Me: that’s why the spurs lost this year. If Kawhi Leonard had shaved his head in November like a normal human, tim would have five
Me: Kobe never had cornrows.
Me: Michael never had cornrows.
Me: Larry Bird had some, but he only wore his in the offseason.
J.R.: bro
Me: OH SHIT AND AMAR’E HAD CORNROWS TOO
Me: Nope. Nah. Nope. You guys are never gonna win a title. You’ll be lucky if you all win a game. Curse of the cornrows. That’s a real thing.
[No response.]
Me: hello?
[No response.]
Me: JR
[No response.]
Me: alright, cool. Ttyl
J.R.: you trying to get the pipe?
Me: I am not
J.R.: DISREGARD
J.R.: WRONG PERSON
Me: yo
J.R.: again?
Me: I mean, I just realized we didn’t talk about what we were supposed to talk about
J.R.: ?
Me: Jason Terry. So he’s with the Nets now and I guess someone mentioned to him your guarantee
J.R.: sure
Me: so like he says that y’all aren’t gonna win a championship (he didn’t say anything about cornrows though)
J.R.: who cares
Me: ummm I guess people do. I don’t know.
J.R.: this is your job? You tell people what someone said and then write down what that person says and then tell the other person and then you put it together and go like, “Hey, Everyone. Look What This Person Said”?
Me: well I’d probably say it in a more romantic way than that
J.R.: that sounds like no fun
Me: it’s alright
J.R.: you have the cornrows of jobs
Me: in my face, I suppose
J.R.: you know what sounds like a better job than that
Me: ??
J.R.: any job. ANY JOB IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD
Me: well maybe you could hire me to carry around a bag full of your fadeaway 3s, JR?
J.R.: how dare you
Me: sry
J.R.: nothing is more glorious than a fadeaway 3. Did you even know that I went to Africa this summer and spent like two months there just shooting fadeaway 3s in front of hungry kids???
J.R.: YOU SHOULD’VE SEEN THEIR FACES
J.R.: THEY WERE SO HAPPY
J.R.: I DO THIS FOR CHILDREN, SHEA
J.R.: WHEN HAVE YOU EVER SHOT A FADEAWAY 3 FOR ANYBODY BUT YOURSELF???
Me: I guess never.
J.R.: MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE A LOOK IN THE MIRROR. BECAUSE WHEN I DO, I SEE A MAN FADEAWAY 3–ING THE WORLD INTO A BETTER PLACE. CAN YOU SAY THAT???
Me: I cannot.
J.R.: GOODBYE, SHEA
J.R.: I DON’T TEXT WITH SELFISH PEOPLE, SHEA
Me: :’(
J.R.: You trying to get the pipe?
Me: me again
J.R.: OHGODDAMNIT