Dwight Howard has been a Houston Rocket for several weeks. I sent him some text messages.
Me: Dwight, you know what’d be cool?
Dwight: If I hired some scientists to build a machine that turned trash into ice cream?
Me: What? No, fool.
Dwight: You’re telling me that’s not gonna at least be a little bit cool?
Me: I mean, I guess. No, but listen. If you changed your last name to something that started with a T, your initials would be DDT, and that’s one of the best wrestling moves of all time. Think on that.
Dwight: I got the trash cream idea watching Wall-E.
Me: 1. That’s a terrible name. 2. That’s actually a really dope movie.
Dwight: I KNOW OMG WHEN HE’S TRYING TO MAKE THAT ONE GIRL ROBOT HIS GF I WAS LIKE :') TEARS TEARS TEARS
Me: Are your tears bigger than normal human tears
[No response.]
Me: I mean, it seems like a legit question. Your femurs are bigger than a normal human’s. Why not your tears, or your eyeballs, or your BH for that matter.
Dwight: bh?
Me: butthole
Dwight: you gotta chill.
Me: Sorry. I didn’t know seven footers were so self conscious about their giant BHs.
[No response.]
Me: I’ll bet Shaq’s BH is, like, the size of a pickle jar
[No response.]
Me: and Yao’s! OMG
[No response.]
Me: hello?
Verizon: The number you’re trying to reach has calling restrictions that have prevented the completion of your text.
Me: Did you seriously just block me, Dwight?
Verizon: The number you’re trying to reach has calling restrictions that hvae prevented the completion of your text.
Me: gahdoggit
Verizon: The number you’re trying to reach has calling restrictions that have prevented the completion of your text.
Me: Yo.
Dwight: Who’s this?
Me: Shea
Dwight: ?
Me: It’s a different phone.
Me: Listen, sorry.
Me: I was just curious. I mean, come on. That was a valid question, I thought.
Me: But I get it. I get it. Sorry.
Dwight: Good.
Me: OK, so unblock me.
Dwight: OK
Me: thanks, Dwight. I was pretty sad.
Dwight: did you cry tiny tears?
Me: haha clever bear
Dwight: this is so us
Me: truth. bye, DDT.
Dwight: nope
Me: worth a shot
Me: Oh shoot. Ha-ha. All of that and I forgot to ask: OK, so we’ve been texting each other for several weeks now. I’ve been meaning to ask.
Dwight: Ask what?
Me: remember when you did that body issue with ESPN?
Dwight: o_0
Me: I’m not sure what that means.
Dwight: it means o_0
Me: oh. Cool, OK. [fart noise]
Dwight:: o_0
Me: So we’re just gonna do that over and over again. Got it.
Dwight: o_0
Me: Thanks, Dwight.
Dwight: np
Me: but for real: Do you remember that?
Dwight: I have a brain, so yes
Me: was that weird?
Dwight: how’s that?
Me: because you were naked. I feel weird when I’m naked alone, I can’t even imagine doing it in front of people
Dwight: My naked and your naked are different, probably
Me: ?? we’re both human males
Dwight: but I’m tall and I have muscles and I’m handsome and I’m charming and you look like in Click when Adam Sandler played a middle-aged man
Me: oh. Right. :'(
Dwight: I’m also rich
Me: I get it
Dwight: and famous
Me: I GET IT Dwight
Me: jerk
Me: but so were you even all the way naked though?
Dwight: huh?
Me: I always thought they gave the people in the issue, like, something that just made them look that way but they weren’t really that way. Did you have something, or did you just show them your whole DDT?
Dwight: did you just nickname my
Me: sry
Me: but so?
[No response.]
Me: had to have been, right?
[No response.]
Me: hello?
[No response.]
Me: hey?
Verizon: The number you’re trying to reach has calling restrictions that have prevented the completion of your text.
Me: FUUUUUUUU
Verizon: The number you’re trying to reach has calling restrictions that have prevented the completion of your text.