In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- Tigers slugger Miguel Cabrera won the AL MVP award, beating out Angels rookie Mike Trout by a healthy margin. And now it’s time for the ANGRY OLD SPORTSWRITER! “Look, I know all you stat nerds out there are going ‘Wahhh, wahhh, Trout should have won because he has a higher WAR.’ You know what I think of that? HAR. As in HARDY HAR-HAR, morons. There’s so much Trout love going around that I think the sports world is full of bears. And guess what? Bears eat salmon, so you’re wrong there, too. Get a grip. Miguel Cabrera won a Triple Crown, you sniveling little Adlai Stevensons. Back when I was around, in the 1930s, that used to mean something. In fact, players back then would actually wear three different crowns to signify that they’d won. Was it uncomfortable? Sure. But I dare you to find a more beautiful site than Jimmie Foxx strutting around Philadelphia with three golden crowns perched atop his gorgeous head. There wasn’t a man there who didn’t get an erection. So can the stupid Trout arguments. Mike Trout is threatening to ruin baseball, and if Bud Selig had any cojones, he’d send him on the next ship to Venezuela, and he’d say, ‘Either you take down that tyrant Hugo Chavez and his nationalized oil, or you don’t come home.’ And that’s a Triple Crown we can all wear.”
- In the National League, Giants catcher Buster Posey took the MVP, topping Andrew McCutchen and Ryan Braun. And now, again, the ANGRY OLD SPORTSWRITER! “Pretty good call. Buster Posey is good.”
- Raymond Felton scored 25 points and led the Knicks on a late 22-11 rally as they stayed undefeated with a 104-100 win over the Spurs. When he realized his team had a legitimate shot to compete for a title, Knicks owner James Dolan had a panic attack and immediately started insisting to team management that they sign Gary Payton to a three-year deal. “Veteran leadership,” he wheezed over and over as he stumbled around the office looking for a paper bag.
- Joe Johnson made two key buckets down the stretch as the Brooklyn Nets topped the Celtics (who played without an injured Rajon Rondo), 102-97. Meanwhile, the annual roller-skating derby in Lowell, Massachusetts, was won by surprise last-minute entry JaRon DonRo.
- In another wildly compelling Thursday-night NFL game, the Buffalo Bills topped the Miami Dolphins 19-14 by scoring 9.5 safeties compared to just seven for Miami, I think.
- Mike D’Antoni patrolled the sidelines at a Lakers practice for the first time Thursday, hobbling on crutches due to the after-effects of knee-replacement surgery. At one point, he looked down at his crutches and frowned. “Why are all the screws loose?” he asked. “That could be dangerous.” Meanwhile, in the locker room, Dwight Howard wiped his fingerprints off a Phillips screwdriver and placed it in Steve Blake’s locker.
- In the early-season college basketball tournaments, Top 25 teams Indiana, Louisville, NC State, Kansas, Arizona, UCLA, and Baylor advanced without much trouble. Not much trouble, that is, unless you count the broken hearts Indiana lothario Cody Zeller left in his wake after leaving the court.
- After a week of limited communication, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman suggested to union president Donald Fehr that the two sides take a two-week moratorium from negotiations. “All my best ideas come to me in the shower,” he explained, “and I sort of want to take a two-week shower. Between you and me, I like when my skin prunes up to the extreme. Is that weird?”
- Former WNBA star Chamique Holdsclaw was detained by police after allegedly following an ex-girlfriend to her car, breaking the windows with a bat, and shooting into the car. And look, I know what all you male chauvinists out there are thinking — “I’m bored by women’s crime.” OK, so maybe it wasn’t a complex crime caper with crazy plans and lots of explosions, but look at the fundamentals! How many men do you know who could pull off stalking, property destruction, and assault in a single crime? Let’s face it, most men wouldn’t even think to carry both a bat and a gun. With the speed and violence of the modern style, men have lost the spirit of crime, and that’s something you can only see in the women’s game.