Today we’re looking at every Sweet 16 team the only legitimate way: With just 16 words each.
1. Louisville: Russdiculous is so fast he just wrote this, deleted it, and did my taxes for 2015.
2. Oregon: QUACKETY QUACK QUACKLES QUACKO QUACKS LOUISVILLE QUACK quackin QUACKER. (That’s DuckSpeak for: We are screwed against Louisville.)
3. Michigan State: Key to beating Spartans? Kidnap Izzo. Hire impostor. Have Fake Izzo repeatedly yell, “ZONE IT UP!”
4. Duke: Beloved blue-collar underdogs with a roguish charm. Led by Coach K, the “Burt Reynolds of Basketball.”
5. Wichita State: A terrifying collection of “corn people” produced in a Kansas laboratory who feel one emotion: TerrorRage.
6. La Salle: The first all-Huguenot team to get this far since Le École D’Architecture du Pittsburgh in 1836.
7. Arizona: Fact: Sean Miller was the preeminent “pudgy, spoiled mafia son” actor of the late ’70s.
8. Ohio State: I’m not saying Aaron Craft is “New Jesus” or anything, but then again, yes, I am.
9. Kansas: I’m turning this one over to Elijah Johnson. [ ] He turned it back over to me. Awkward.
10. Michigan: Nothing to say here, so check out the greatest Beach Boys video on the entire Internet.
11. Florida: They oughta call these guys the Florida Heimlichs, they choke so much. AM I FUCKING RIGHT? (Wait, that would mean they’re giving Heimlichs, which you do if someone else is choking, so maybe this should be the Heimlich-receivers, or something? Am I at 16 words yet?)
12. Florida Gulf Coast University: Dunk City? More like “Punk City.” For a new school, they’re missing a crucial ingredient: Class.
13. Indiana: Dunk City? More like “Punk City.” For a new school, they’re missing a— shit, wrong entry.
14. Syracuse: Orange City? More like “Door Hinge City.” Seriously, there are so many door hinges in Syracuse.
15. Marquette: Buzz Williams defeated Brad Stevens, which was like watching a Soviet disco owner punch your dad.
16. Miami: Jim Larranaga has a tilde in his name, but doesn’t pronounce it. A subtle psychological ploy?
For the Weekend: Eight Words on Each Team
1. Louisville: Pitino should try to — Russdiculous wuz here — dammit!
2. Oregon: QUACKLES DIENG. (DuckSpeak: Dieng give us fever dreams.)
3. Michigan State: “Take the early 3! Chuck it!” — Impostor Izzo
4. Duke: An inspirational rags-to-riches tale, warming hearts, healing wounds.
5. Wichita State: If North Korea gets “corn people” technology? Fuck.
6. La Salle: Coach Giannini plays this pump-up clip before games.
7. Arizona: Ben Howland’s pain motivates them to keep winning.
8. Ohio State: “I forgive myself.” — Craft, after another devastating 3.
9. Kansas: Why is Ben McLemore on my milk carton?
10. Michigan: Wolverines center Mitch McGary does not inspire fear.
11. Florida: Did I use the “Florida Heimlichs” joke yet? Because that was legit. Am I at eight words yet?
12. Florida Gulf Coast University: This team needs Bo Ryan. Already too late?
13. Indiana: Crean smile photos are considered illegal torture implements.
14. Syracuse: Boeheim won Cynic Pageants as a small child.
15. Marquette: Beating Brad Stevens = burning an American flag.
16. Miami: OK, confession time: Grantland has tildes, too. Grañtlañd.