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Scouting the Future: ‘Lion King’ Spawns Disney All-Name Team

Eastern Michigan signed a football player named Lion King on Wednesday. Are there other recruits out there with names worthy of a spot on our brand-spanking-new Disney All-Name Team? We’re glad you asked!

With the excitement surrounding Eastern Michigan’s signing of Lion King Conaway, whose brand captivated a quiet Signing Day audience, Grantland (which, like everything else the light touches, is owned by Disney) offers a top 10 list of Disney-monikered football recruits. Well, top 11. Lion King is obviously no. 1. Obviously and unassailably.

1. Hercules Mata’afa, DE. The ultimate warrior. Strengths: Everything. Vulnerabilities: Fire, but who cares, since it ain’t called “fireball.” (LSU fans scoff and spit: “Wanna bet?”)

2. Christopher Robin, OL. Strengths: Great team-builder. Gets along well with all players no matter their differences. Weaknesses: Frequently called away from team activities for tea.

3. Hunter Littlejohn, OT. Strengths: Quarterback blocking and quarterstaff fighting. Weaknesses: Quarterstaffs not allowed in football.

4. Sebastian Tretola, OT. Strengths: Amazing lateral speed and grip. Can hold breath for hours. Weaknesses: North-south movement.

5. Simba Short, LB. Strengths: Long family legacy of success. Takes no shit from birds. Weaknesses: Problematic uncle in the picture.

6. Damian Prince, OT. Strengths: Dashing good looks. Horseback riding. Forest navigation. Weaknesses: Pretty sopranos at wishing wells.

7. Ariel Amaya, OG. Strengths: Intense desire to be part of this world. Weaknesses: Loss of voice whenever removed from training whirlpool impairs in-huddle communication skills.

8. Aking Gaston, DT. Strengths: Swordplay, weightlifting. Weaknesses: Hubris.

9. Sully Wiefels, OG. A true monster on the line. Strengths: Intimidation. Weaknesses: Shies away from contact.

10. Jordan Darling, QB. Strengths: Can fly. Weaknesses: Marked tendency to disappear for weeks on end and return not having aged a day, creating countless thorny eligibility issues.

Thanks to intrepid reader @jessetow, who sent us down this rabbit hole. To Wonderland. That’s another Disney animation reference.