Jalen Rose and David Jacoby break down LeBron’s “monstropolous” performance, the JRLA graduation, adjustments for Game 3 of the NBA Finals, and more.
Listen to the podcast here.
Below is a transcript of their discussion of Jalen’s facial hair, or lack thereof.
Jacoby: Let’s transition off the NBA Finals for a second, because there’s something big happening in the media this morning that we need to discuss. It has to do with the friend of this program, Mr. Baron Davis. And, shout-out to Desus Nice first of all. Desus is hilarious, part of Desus and Kid Mero.
Jacoby: Baron, what are you doing with your hair?
Jalen: For those that don’t know—
Jacoby: Whatever you’re about to say, I don’t know. I’m just going to say that right now.
Jalen: For those that don’t know, we look at guys like Russell Westbrook now, or Dwyane Wade when he doesn’t have his — I’m glad he had his Achilles tucked in yesterday, too.
Jacoby: He acknowledged it, too.
Jalen: Yeah, exactly. Baron Davis has always been eclectic. He hasn’t changed. I remember Baron, and so many other players at UCLA when they were in school. Playing ball with them, playing against them, breaking bread with them. So, to the rest of the world, when they see Baron, whatever hairstyle he’s rocking, whatever jacket he’s rocking, it may look weird or unique to them. But this is how I see him all of the time. So I’m not surprised, and that’s who he is.
Jacoby: What is that hairstyle though?
Jalen: It looks like a combination of an S curl and …
Jacoby: How do you, how do you achieve that?
Jacoby: Huh. What kind of moisturizer?
Jalen: It’s not long enough to be a Jheri curl.
Jalen: So I’ll just call it an S curl.
Jacoby: It doesn’t look that bad.
Jalen: I ain’t mad at it. What I am mad at is I can’t grow a beard. See, think about it, like, that becomes a different part of your look that you can change. You can wear the full beard, you can wear the goatee, you can wear the mustache, you can wear it thick, you can wear it thin. I can’t grow a beard.
Jacoby: Where does it get patchy? Over here — like the cheeks?
Jalen: I had so many bumps and blackheads on my face growing up, that I just think it won’t grow.
Jalen: It doesn’t get anything. I’ve never—
Jacoby: If you didn’t shave for a month, what would it look like?
Jalen: I gotta tell you a secret: I have never shaved.
Jacoby: What? You don’t shave the sides of your face?
Jalen: I don’t have to.
Jacoby: Let me see this.
Jalen: I don’t have to.
Jacoby: That just doesn’t grow in?
Jalen: It don’t grow.
Jacoby: This is the most surprising thing you’ve ever told me on this podcast.
Jalen: I get three or four strings here and three or four strings there. It don’t grow.
Jacoby: So you just get like the goatee? What about your neck?
Jalen: There was a period in time—
Jacoby: Wait, this just blew my mind.
Jalen: There’s a period in time where I used to try to rock the look where I keep bringing my burn all the way down. It won’t do it.
Jacoby: So you tried to do like, remember the pointy sideburns from like 2000, from like ’99?
Jalen: Back in the day I was trying. It won’t do it.
Jalen: It just won’t grow.
Jalen: I’m not a George “the Animal” Steele with hair everywhere.
Jacoby: We all have our strengths and weaknesses, Jalen.
Jalen: And the world doesn’t care. I don’t have zero hair on my chest.
Jacoby: Eh, me neither. It doesn’t look great either, because it’s got one hair here and there.
Jalen: I would rather have none than have taco meat. And, I would rather not have a beard than have a beard that’s scruffy, that itches, that puts Nestle Crunch on my face when I keep trying to, to shave it.
Jacoby: Oh, the Nestle Crunch look?
Jalen: I’ve never put shaving cream on my face in my life.
Jacoby: What? What about to shape up your goatee?
Jalen: I do it at the barber shop.
Jacoby: So you don’t shape up your own goatee?
Jacoby: You’ve never shaved your own face?
Jacoby: Do you have razors in your bathroom?
Jalen: I don’t.
Jalen: No. I get my hair cut.
Jacoby: So, if you don’t go to the barber for four days, it just, it’s all outgrown or whatever? You don’t just shape up your goatee by yourself?
Jacoby: That just blew my mind, Jalen. I don’t even know what to ask you next.
Jalen: Because that’s a grooming thing. And, the only thing I’ve done to myself is cut my hair bald, which I can’t mess up. And when I was doing that I had no hair on my face.
Jacoby: Yeah, well that was good. That was one of my favorite Jalen Rose looks. During the Onyx era. So I’m going to end, I’m going to end, you know, there’s going to be a lot of people that are listening to this podcast right now that might get a little upset with me, but this is my personal opinion. This is not the views and opinions of ESPN or Jalen Rose. The beard thing is over. Everybody’s got a beard now. You know what I mean? Like, everybody’s got a beard. We have to do something new.
Jalen: For those that are a little bit older, you know, I can’t, it’s basically a [Sunnah]1 beard — where it originates from.
Jacoby: What, SUNY university?
Jalen: In theory, a [Sunnah] beard — Philadelphia is where it originates from. So a lot of those guys who rock the beard just use the term that you normally saw cats from the East Coast doing it.
Jacoby: Remember Freeway, it was like a “Philly beard.” Beanie Sigel, everyone from Philadelphia had this big, long, puffy beard, kind of like a James Harden thing. But then it sort of just spread everywhere.
Jalen: And so, yeah. It’s become a thing now. It’s become a fad now. But, I guess people like me who can’t grow one would be jealous, one.
Jacoby: I can’t believe you don’t have a razor.
Jalen: But two, I personally just don’t like the way that would look on me.
Jacoby: You don’t know what it would look like on you.
Jalen: No, I know I wouldn’t like that.
Jacoby: We’re going to get you a fake beard to put it on you for the next podcast.
Jacoby: Just to see what it’s like.
Jalen: No, I could let this fill in, but I don’t want it full. Like, my brother Juwan Howard rocks his where it’s all filled up.
Jalen: But he’s been having that since seventh grade. Juwan Howard had a goatee in seventh grade.
Jacoby: He was one of those? You were jealous, right?
Jalen: Yes. So I could rock mine different from him, that’s why I rock it like this.
Editor’s note: We pronounced it “Sunni” on the podcast, but it’s most commonly spelled and pronounced “Sunnah.”
Subscribe to the Grantland Sports podcast network on iTunes.