Week 10: -43,500 jermajesties
Season Total: -9,000 jermajesties
On to Week 11
(*Obligatory weekly explanation: A “jermajesty” represents the fake name given for a dollar amount in this series. It’s also the unfortunate name of one of Jermaine Jackson’s sons.)
Percy Harvin will score against his former team (+160) (Must play to count!)
This is a statement game for the Seahawks. They are a very quiet 9-1 with uncharacteristically close games at home in the last month against Tennessee and Tampa Bay. It’s right about this time of year when they send a message that they’re not only to be considered an elite team — but untouchable at CenturyLink Field. Of course, this could all just be a conversation going on in my perpetually semi-concussed head. Seattle paid Harvin $67 million to so far not catch passes for them. You can be sure they’ll be looking to start getting their money’s worth this week. Still investigating whether this bet cashes if Harvin returns a Christian Ponder pass to the house.
Scott Tolzien to throw over 1.5 TD passes vs. Giants
It’s hard to believe the Giants are getting to face a backup quarterback. Oh, wait a minute — no it’s not. Feasting off second-stringers is exactly how they’ve surged back into the NFC Least division race. Freeman, Barkley, a gimpy Pryor, and now practice-squadder Scott Tolzien. It seems like their silver-platter season continues — but not so fast. Tolzien is a gamer who’s not afraid to sling it. He immediately got into an offensive groove with Jordy Nelson and Jarrett Boykin. The Wisconsin alum completed 24-of-39 passes for 280 yards and a touchdown just days after vacuuming up powdered hush puppies at Denny’s. Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy didn’t hesitate to name him the starter. He believes in Tolzien and so do I. So say my 15,000 jermajesties.
New England to score over 23 points vs. Carolina
Bill Belichick’s Patriots are 9-1 over the last 10 years when coming off a bye. From 2010 to 2012, New England is 23-1 in the second half of the season. Let’s also not forget that they dropped 55 on Pittsburgh before getting to rest for two weeks. The Panthers defense lets up after the hangover game in San Francisco. In a couple of weeks the Pats over/under will be 30 for the rest of the year. Take advantage of this bargain number now. 30,000 jermajesties
Three-team teaser I would love if years ago I hadn’t sworn off three-team teasers because they are evil, money-sucking turd wagers that never, ever win and make little sense otherwise, since you can go five out of six on two teasers and still lose vig money, which is absolutely insane when you think about it
(Three teams with 10 points subtracted from each favorite spread/added to each underdog spread — and all must win to cash; ties lose.)
I don’t know why I’m doing this; I think I’ve proven my point about how three-team teasers are like the devil relieving himself on your head every week and yet I’m salivating at the chance to make another.
Washington (+14) over Philly
The Eagles have lost their last 10 in Philly. They like coming home less than Don Draper. RG3 is fresh off his best statistical game of the year. The Redskins get revenge from the opening week drubbing by staying within two touchdowns for my benefit only.
Seattle (-2.5) over Minnesota
See Percy Harvin chatter above.
Denver (+2.5) over K.C.
My Cliff Clavin full-of-shit team of 2013, the Kansas Chiefs, doesn’t have enough firepower to compete with Peyton Manning’s masterful underneath game. Might be a different story on December 1, when they meet up in K.C. — but this Sunday night, it’s all Denver.
Fun but fake
Colts fans/bettors ground coach Chuck Pagano over/under 2.5 weeks for leaving the back door open last night against the Titans (+3 or +3.5, depending on when you jumped on it)
Say what you will about the Thursday-night games, but the last three weeks have been divine for degenerate gamblers. Each game’s spread was on the line in the last two minutes. OK, now you may go ahead and say what you will about the Thursday-night games.
75/1 odds El Camino High School QB Jahlil Pinkett wins an ESPY for this ridiculous “I have the wrong ball” trick play and then gets beaten with that ESPY into unconsciousness by the Cleveland High School mascot
I would love this trick play so much more if it weren’t pulled off by Jada Pinkett Smith’s nephew. The rich get richer. Seriously — no one on defense moves? No one?!?! Incidentally, Halle Berry’s brother, Mr. Roto Matthew Berry, has Pinkett on six of his 18 high school fantasy football squads.
1200/1 odds JARHEAD, 4 RICKY, and ROSEAL eventually come to their senses and split the first-place prize for winning the Las Vegas Hilton Supercontest with me and Joe House
Those are the only entries (out of 1,034) ahead of us. And it’s only fitting, in light of the fact that House and I are hopeless glutinous pigs, that I initially typed the word “entrées” when I meant “entries.” This week’s Farce Five: Seattle -12.5, Pittsburgh +2.5, Cincinnati -5.5, Washington +3.5, and Baltimore +3.
3/5 odds that asking my wife, who is eight months pregnant, if I can go see my pals Alec Scheiner and Mike Lombardi’s Browns play the Jags on Thanksgiving weekend when her brother and family are in town results in a long, dragged-out California divorce
And that’s just the asking part! When I actually end up going to Cleveland, there will undoubtedly be an Elin Nordegren–esque clubbing to follow.
Over/under 13.5 days before Miley Cyrus and Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe are spotted twerking in the streets of Amsterdam
The most shocking aspect of Bowe’s marijuana arrest is that he was accused of having POSSESSION of anything! That joke is dedicated to all the other Dwayne Bowe fantasy owners who have had to suffer through his two-touchdown, sub–400 yard receiving season. Ahh the performance-diminishing drugs.
7/2 odds Toronto Mayor Rob Ford makes a cameo appearance in the series finale of Eastbound & Down as Kenny Powers’s long-lost brother
Move over, Mike Tyson. You are no longer the heavyweight champ of the salaciously bizarre interviews.
7/5 odds any of Trent Richardson’s alleged partners featured in his alleged orgy sex tape allegedly ends up lasting longer in the NFL than he allegedly does
You are a very special player, Trent Richardson. It’s not often a blue-chip college running back averages more sex partners than yards per carry.
Tweet of the Week
@TheCousinSal So if you're Walter White, who's drink in the Cowboys' organization gets the "Stevia" treatment?
— Jason Fair (@TheSportsGuyOfX) November 11, 2013
A perceptive Walter White would see that Stevia is too easy a way out for this incompetent group of staffers and that the hidden-machine-gun-in-the-trunk trick would be the more fitting ending. Although he’d have to be careful wheelchair-bound Old Man Kiffin doesn’t tip the other bad guys off with his incessant bell-ringing.
— Jim (@MijKralc) November 13, 2013
Maybe I’m being too harsh on the Sportsish Guy. After all, if Simmons’s boyfriend/muse/soul mate Russell “Wussell Hustle and Bustle Man Muscle” Wilson can put up with his overwhelming love of professional basketball, why can’t I? Giannis Antetokounmpo!!!
@TheCousinSal please bet the giants to win the division. It's the only way to stop them
— brad garrow (@BradGarrow) November 10, 2013
Don’t you dare tempt me, Brad. When it comes to real wagering, I’m more in the red than Tom Coughlin’s rubescent blizzard face.
@TheCousinSal thanks for the Colts 2nd half fat boy. Rather let my kid follow Sandusky into a locker room shower than follow ur shitty pics.
— Anthony Ortega (@tortega23) November 10, 2013
I need to know — did you mean “fat boy” or “half fat boy”? Because the former are fist-fighting words. And of course it figures the Colts second-half bet made a triumphant return Thursday night when I didn’t touch it. Is mini baccarat this much fun? I may switch.
Over/under top 3.5 personal professional highlights to work with comic genius Chris Elliott on this live bit that aired on Jimmy Kimmel Live earlier this week
FYI, to help change my prognosticating luck, I plan on watching the entire 10 hours of NFL action while holding the Jack Be Nimble pose. I recommend you all do the same.
That’s that. Enjoy Week 11.