Hey degenerates — remember me? I’m the guy who last week told you to bet the Ravens over 28.5 points and to wager on the Philip Rivers interception machine to keep rolling. Unfortunately — those were my only winners. A net of -15,000 jermajesties last week takes my year to date total to -48,500 jermajesties overall. I apologize. My proposition picks have been as flimsy as a Kardashian’s wedding vows. Now that I got the “Kim Kardashian is a fickle sports groupie harlot” joke out of the way let’s proceed with the gambling:
Saints (-5) in the 1st half vs. the Bucs
I forgive the Saints for costing me a small beach house in Malibu on a three team teaser last week. Really, I do. So much so that I’m coming back strong with them this week vs. the Schizo Bucs. In fact — I don’t even mind if they blow this one in the fourth quarter. But if they dare not be winning by at least 6 points vs. Tampa at the half I will find Sean Peyton and personally smash all his remaining MCL’s with a lead pipe. 20,000 jermajesties
Longest TD in the Broncos/Raiders game over 42.5 yards
Don’t worry — I’m not predicting Carson Palmer or Tim Tebow will throw for 43+ yard TD passes. I’m not even sure they’ll combine for 43 yards total. On this week’s BS Report, Simmons and I joked about the number of pick 6’s you might see in this game. We set the fake number at 1.5. But here’s a way to cash in on the poor QB play in real life. 20,000 jermajesties
DeMarco Murray will have the most rushing yards this week (8/1)
Did you know Demarco Murray averages 253 yards rushing in games he starts vs. NFC west teams? I’ll admit the sample size (1 team, the Rams) is small, but 8/1 is pretty hefty considering — with Felix Jones returning next week — Murray is still fighting for a starting job. Not to mention that Seattle is due for a Seahawkian defensive performance on the road. 2,000 jermajesties
Roddy White will have the most receiving yards this week (12/1)
Just when you think you have the fantasy football answers Rowdy Roddy White changes the questions. (thanks Boomer. . .Teej). This guy is way too good to not have a breakout game this year. And when better to break out than this week against a team that gave up 62 points last time they played a game on turf? 2,000 jermajesties
Bears over 19.5 points (-115) vs. the Eagles
I like a bet where the best punt returner in history can cover 40% of the wager with one run-back. Also, Matt Forte makes a living out of exposing poor run defenses. It’s sort of his forte. 20,000 jermajesties
Now for the nonsense . . .
13/1 odds that the Dolphins will give Tony Sparano an honorary ring 7 years from now after Andrew Luck leads Miami to a Super Bowl win.
“I’d like to thank God, my parents and Tony Sparano’s miserable play-calling way back in 2011 for making this win possible. Thanks to your ineptitude, Tony — I’m going to Disneyworld!!! ”
Same odds that after getting trounced by the Chiefs this Sunday Sparano gets as far as the security checkpoint in Kansas City International Airport before being notified of his firing.
Gut feeling — this is the week he gets whacked. Enjoy your onion rings, Tony Sparano.
Over 36,311 minutes spent this Sunday by NFL referees reviewing goal line plays
NFL zebras are quickly surpassing three-toed sloths as the slowest animals on land. Look: I understand replay is better for the game overall. Nobody wants to see teams lose games or get eliminated from playoff contention because of bad calls. But nobody wants to miss work Monday morning waiting for the refs to figure out whether it’s a touchdown or first and goal from the one-millimeter line either.
Under 1.5 weeks before the Patriots move Ochocinco from WR to CB
Why not? The Pats secondary is atrocious. He’s quick. He can still run in a straight line (sort of). And no one knocks down a ball thrown in his direction like Ochocinco. It’s a no-brainer. And the best part is with the new jersey number he’ll be forced to change his name again. If you ask me, Veinticuatro is really catchy.
On a scale of the 2011/12 NBA season to Zsa Zsa Gabor how dead is my Philip Rivers to win MVP bet?
I’m typing with one hand — shredding the betting slip with the other. In Phil’s defense that was one of the best Ryan Leaf Halloween costumes I have ever seen.
Shameless Plug Alert: Over/under 1406.5 hours of child therapy that I’m responsible for thanks to my latest annual Halloween hidden camera bit.
I’ll go over. Kids these days are so weird. You’d think they’d never seen a grown man devour cat crap before.
That’s that. Enjoy Week 9.
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