The NFL’s Week 5 is already upon us. It’s all happening too fast. Am I the only one who’s starting to get depressed about football ending? To make things worse — this week the NFL schedule makers have declared war on degenerate gamblers. Miami, Cleveland and St. Louis (a combined 2-10) — quite possibly my three favorite teams to bet against — all have byes. With a limited menu to choose from my NFL proposition wager recommendations become invaluable. (And by that I mean — worthless).
Actually, last week I hit big with the Bills under 24 points and the Pats over 30 points. As far as the most passing yards prop goes, Kyle Orton screwed me a little (I promise that is the very last time I will write those words). The positive prop day takes my year to date total to -7500 jermajesties overall. Let’s keep it going. Here’s Week 5.
Seahawks under 17 pts. (-115)
This is a good bet anytime the Seahawks are playing anywhere other than Seattle. And you may as well go ahead and delete the “anywhere other than Seattle” part. Hantavirus Jackson is in for a long day against Big Blue. 20,000 jermajesties
Either the Jets or Patriots will score in the first 6 minutes of the game (-115)
Six minutes?? Are the oddsmakers dipping into Conrad Murray’s medicine bag? The Patriots alone could have 17 points in the first six minutes. They only need a field goal for us to be able to cash this ticket. 10,000 jermajesties
Chiefs/Colts game: First score will be anything other than a TD (+105)
This one’s easy. These teams are so painfully inept on offense they could probably figure out a way to score an extra point before a touchdown. 7,000 jermajesties
Bears/Lions longest touchdown over 46.5 yards
I figure if it doesn’t happen on a Devin Hester punt return it will happen sometime in the 4th quarter when right after being sacked for the 12th time Bears quarterback Jay Cutler simply hands Ndamukong Suh the ball at midfield and says “Here — I’ve had enough. Take it and go that way.” 5,000 jermajesties
Maurice Jones-Drew most rushing yards in Week 5 (8/1)
MJD needs to break out one of these weeks. When better than this week against a Bengals defense who last time they were on the road gave up over 100 yards on the ground to Willis McGahee. And no — the year was not 2004. 2,000 jermajesties
7500/1 odds that I’ll ever laugh at the newly made up term “Romo-coaster”
To a die-hard Cowboys fan it’s just not funny. Especially when the die-hard names his youngest son after this poor, cursed SOB.
10,000/1 odds President Obama invites Hank Williams Jr. into his golf foursome
It ain’t happening. At least not until the country music Hall of Famer offers his sincerest apologizes to both the Hitler and Netanyahu families. In the meantime, Hank — “Are you ready for no residual checks?!?!”
Over/under 100. How many fantasy points your league should penalize Eagles running back Ronnie Brown for inexplicably tossing the ball backwards as he was being tackled at the goal line.
Actually 100 seems about right. Someone needs to convince Ronnie Brown he doesn’t still play for the Dolphins.
Over/under 7.5: How psyched QB Chad Henne was when doctors told him his separated shoulder would prohibit him from finishing out the 2011 Miami Dolphins season.
Over. I would say it was about a 9. And from the looks of who they’re bringing in for tryouts I’m guessing his replacement’s quarterback rating will be about the same.
3,000,000/1 odds that it was anyone other than Nancy Grace passes gas in this video clip
I know she’s denying it but the grabbing of her stomach and backside at the exact moment the horrific noise is emitted serves as a dead giveaway. Nancy Grace Indigestigates!
50,000/1 odds that J Lo would ever be caught dead driving a Fiat
And if for some reason she was forced to drive one — go ahead and add another 30,000/1 that she’d be so excited about the prospect that she’d sing loudly to draw attention to herself. Hard to convince us that your rock is shining bright when your ride is an Italian-made car anyone’s gardener could afford.
Over/under $36,750,000: How much money will this new revolutionary workout product introduced this week on Jimmy Kimmel Live rake in for the 2011 holiday season?
The ultimate stocking stuffer for male Lady Gaga fans. I’ll take the over.
That’s that. Enjoy week 5.
Cousin Sal Iacono is a Jimmy Kimmel Live staff writer, and can also be seen as a regular performer. Follow him on Twitter at @TheCousinSal.
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