It’s weird — I don’t ever remember getting gifts on Thanksgiving. That’s why I will surely be sending a thank-you note to the NFL for this Thursday’s games. In fact, these games are so appealing that I’ve actually convinced my relatives to eat dinner at 7:30 a.m. here on the West Coast just to ensure that I don’t miss a minute of the action. You can see who wears the pants in my family.
Or should I say — wore the pants. Thanks to my putrid prop bets in Week 11, I lost all my clothing starting with the shirt off my back. Last week I netted -68,000 jermajesties which takes the grand total to -122,500 jermajesties overall. (Obligatory weekly explanation: a “jermajesty” represents the fake name given for a dollar amount. It is also the unfortunate name of one of Jermaine Jackson’s sons.) Think about this for a second. Where else — all in the same week — will someone with a straight face give out Tim Tebow over passing yards, Chris Johnson to lead the NFL running backs in rushing and Rob Gronkowski to score 0 TDs? I am rapidly approaching William H. Macy cooler status.
One more thing: I apologize for the limited Week 12 selections. As of Tuesday night, the sportsbooks offered a pittance of prop options. Let’s make do and chip away at this disastrous jermajestic deficit.
Packers/Lions – There WILL be a score in the first 5 and a half minutes of the game (-115)
Even better — there will be a LOT of scoring in a lot of the minutes. I see both teams looking to get off to a quick start to set the frantic pace. If you don’t belong to a fantasy football league join one now and draft as many players on these teams not named Jahvid Best as you can. 15,000 jermajesties
Dolphins total points vs. Cowboys under 19 (-115)
On this week’s BS Report, The Sportsish Guy and I discussed the mysterious phenomenon of Rob Ryan television sightings. We were trying to figure out what was so appealing about the Cowboys defensive coordinator Rob Ryan that inspires Fox, CBS, NBC and ESPN to cut away to him an average of 75,000 times a game. I’ve now concluded that anytime you see a fully dressed caveman patrolling the sidelines you have to make the most of it. Hell – someday ABC might even make a failed sitcom out of the idea. This week the Cowboy Caveman and his underlings will club Matt Moore and the Dolphins’ weirdly productive offense back into The Stone Age. 15,000 jermajesties
First score of the 49ers/Ravens game is not a TD (even) and 1st half under 19.5 (-110)
You know how teams sometimes play to the level of their competition? I can see these two offenses playing to the level of the state of the viewer. Tired, hungover and weighed down by 16 tons of sweet potatoes. This classic defensive matchup will prove to be Tryptophantastic! 15,000 jermajesties each
Tebow (-6.5) kneel down prayers vs. completed passes against the Chargers
This is a gimme. I’ll make this promise: In the next few weeks, if God is somehow able to teach Tim Tebow how to throw a spiral, he can count me in as one of his biggest believers.
Over/under 2.5 wins for the Colts now that they’ve gotten a better look at Andrew Luck and have come to the realization that they can probably draft a quarterback who’s just as good later in the first round.
I’m calling it now — Tanksgiving 2011 is over in Indianapolis. Matt Barkley, Robert Griffin III and Case Keenum are now serious contenders to be Peyton Manning’s heir apparent.
Over/under 0.16 average blood alcohol content of the Baseball Writers Association of America who voted for Ryan Braun over Matt Kemp for NL MVP
I don’t want to get sued so let me clarify. I’m not saying those who gave Braun a first place vote over Kemp were drunk. It had to be something far greater than alcohol to impair their decision. Let’s see … .324, 39 HR’s, 126 RBI, 115 runs and 40 stolen bases … not good enough? The poor bastard flirted with the Triple Crown all year long while playing for a dismal squad whose team parents were fighting all summer over custody. This was a no-brainer.
6/1 odds the Harbaugh brothers end up in a fist fight while attempting to shake hands at mid-field after this Thursday’s 49ers/Ravens game.
I love the idea of two sibling head coaches looking to spoil each other’s holiday. It reminds me of three Kwanzaas ago when Marlon Wayans purple-nurpled his brother Damon until he slipped into unconsciousness.
Over/under $397,500 collectively spent on Black Friday by unemployed NBA players on Xbox 360 games
I promise I wasn’t going for a pun there. I’m taking the over. It’s a long winter and I’m guessing these guys have made no plans to leave their mansions. And I’m not even counting the $39.99 the Phoenix Suns gorilla laid down on Donkey Kong Jr.
9/2 odds my Aunt Chippy ends up stabbing director Brad when we do this bit again next year
That woman loves the f-word as if it were one of her own children. That’s that. Happy Thanksgiving everybody!
Cousin Sal Iacono is a Jimmy Kimmel Live staff writer, and can also be seen as a regular performer. Follow him on Twitter at @TheCousinSal.
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