Are there really only three games left? This is traditionally the time of year that depression sets in for me. Please join me in the annual opening of the Zoloft bottle. And what a shame — I was just starting to get good at this proposition gambling thing. Last week, I ended up 33,000 jermajesties* in the plus. It would’ve been quadruple that if Tim Tebow could complete more than 11.5 passes. I’m still astounded that a guy who was playing from way behind from very early on and didn’t get pulled couldn’t muster three completions per quarter. I’m chalking it up to God’s unique sense of humor. Just the same, I’ll take the winning week. I’m still deep in the red for the season with these proposition wagers. I won’t mention how much in the red, but let’s just say it is so red, it is giving Tom Coughlin’s Lambeau face a run for its money.
Here are my conference championship best props:
Rob Gronkowski will score a TD this week (-155)
Really? Vegas still allows you to wager on this? Unless the Ravens are suddenly allowed to plop an infantry tank in the middle of their secondary as their 12th man on defense, this is a good bet. And even then, I’d take it. 75,000 jermajesties
Largest lead of the Pats/Ravens game under 16.5 points (-110)
I know I’m asking for trouble with this one, but I have a funny feeling the Ravens will keep it close from start to finish. I’m just gonna close my eyes and pray Stevan Ridley gets between 30 and 50 touches. 75,000 jermajesties
Total points in the Ravens/Pats game: 22-28 (15/1), 29-35 (10/1), 36-42 (7/1)
Good odds for these low to mid-range point totals. Besides, what’s a few thousand more jermajesties at this point? 3,000 jermajesties each
New York Giants over 20 points (-125)
I’m done picking against this team. Go crazy, Eli! Blindly back-foot heave Hail Marys to your star wide receiver that bounce off his face mask and into his hands until you’re big blue in the face. I’m on your side this week. (Is that a good enough reverse jinx?) 75,000 jermajesties
Total sacks by both teams over 4.5 (-130)
Justin Smith, Ray McDonald, Aldon Smith, Justin Tuck, Jason Pierre-Paul, Osi Umenyiora, and Chris Canty all looking to get a sack on every single play from scrimmage? I like my chances with this one. 75,000 jermajesties
Head-scratching fake props that most likely won’t occur this week …
Tom Brady over/under .5 punts this week
I’m trying to get inside Bill Belichick’s twisted mind here. Does he actually think he’s not rubbing it in (like everyone accuses him of doing) by letting his quarterback punt in the waning minutes of a blowout? And the effing thing goes for 48 yards? Really? I don’t need to know Tom Brady can boot the ball farther than the punter on my favorite team just like I don’t need to know Tiger Woods can juggle while orally pleasuring women. OK, I totally made that up. But let’s just establish that if it were true, I wouldn’t need to know it.
Ochocinco receptions this week vs. the number of people in this country who believe Ochocinco will record a reception this week
I know. Sort of confusing. The point is we haven’t made enough of a deal out of how much of a piece of garbage this guy has been. By my count, he must have 37 touchdown dances saved up for when he decides to play football again.
Justin + Aldon Smith sacks vs. Alex and Jada Pinkett Smith interceptions this week
This one’s easy. Jada’s a hopeless pocket QB. Especially in the rain. (Bear with me. I’m still trying to figure a way to fit Anna Nicole in this stupid scenario.)
1/3 odds that John Elway was crossing his fingers when he said Tim Tebow has “earned the right to be the starting quarterback going into training camp next year”
Sometime in April, before the draft, authorities will be instructed to secure the VIN number of the car that attempts to run Tim Tebow off the road during an offseason jog. Odds are good it traces back to one of John Elway’s 750 automobile dealerships.
1,250/1 odds Rob Lowe gets hired as the Indianapolis Colts’ new PR guy
In all fairness, the premature retirement tweet was Lowe’s way of finally getting even with Manning for leaking his sex tape to the tabloids back in ’88.
Over/under 2.5 hours before I finally found someone on Hollywood Boulevard who could identify Scotty McCreery as last season’s winner of American Idol
Take the over. Next time, I plan on mixing it up by incessantly tickling the hot chick and carrying the chubby guy in the sweater on my shoulders.
That’s that. Enjoy championship Sunday.
— Cousin Sal
*(Obligatory weekly explanation: A “jermajesty” represents the fake name given for a dollar amount. It is also the unfortunate name of one of Jermaine Jackson’s sons.)