In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- Usain Bolt won his second straight gold medal in the men’s 100-meter dash, pulling away from the field and finishing in 9.63 seconds, an Olympic record. The victory had a somewhat odd conclusion as the famously egotistical Bolt spread both arms wide and leaped into the air, expecting to become the first human to fly, only to crash into fourth-place finisher Tyson Gay and curse him out for “standing on the runway like an idiot.”
- Playing in front of his home nation, Andy Murray routed Roger Federer in the Olympic tennis finals, winning 6-2, 6-1, 6-4 to capture gold. “This is a really major moment in my career,” said Murray. “Wellllllll,” interrupted Federer, “let’s be real careful about our word choice there. Let’s be real, real careful.“
- Three-star wide receiver Will Fuller switched his commitment from Penn State to Notre Dame, citing educational concerns. The good news for Penn State is that they managed to land the top-10 cornerback and safety recruits in the class of 2012, all of whom were impressed by the university’s commitment to covering up.
- Sanya Richards-Ross gave the U.S. its first gold medal in track with a win in the 400-meter dash. As she crossed the tape, a nervous Usain Bolt let out a sigh of relief when he realized she wasn’t even going to attempt to become the first human to fly.
- In a rain-shortened NASCAR race at Pocono, Jeff Gordon stayed in front through 98 laps to win his first race of the season. After the race, more than 70 percent of NASCAR fans were convinced that Jeff Gordon had somehow made it rain with his “tricky California Yankee mind.”
- After Cleveland scored three runs in the top of the 10th, the Tigers responded with five, winning 10-8 on Miguel Cabrera’s two-run walk-off homer. In the Indians locker room after the game, DH Travis Hafner smashed the team stereo when Shin-Soo Choo once again cued up Jackson Browne’s melancholic “These Days” in a move that everyone thinks is somehow passive-aggressive.
- Sources are reporting that Jonathan Vilma’s year-long suspension could be cut in half if he withdraws his civil suit against the NFL in relation to the bounty scandal. Vilma said he’d think about it, but that he was really enjoying “all this legal stuff” and wanted to write a book about a sexy former football star who takes down the league while seducing the beautiful wife of fictional “Football Czar” Goger Roodell.
- The U.S. men’s basketball team survived a scare against Lithuania, needing LeBron James’s late heroics to secure a 99-94 win. The American offense got off to a slow start as Carmelo Anthony frantically hid behind his teammates and wouldn’t stop asking, “Which one is Dracula?”
- In his final game against the Houston Astros, Chipper Jones had two key hits and scored the go-ahead run as the Braves capped an 8-2 homestand with a 6-1 win. “I’m really, really going to miss you guys,” said Jones to the Astros, repeating the sentiment until it went from sort of poignant to really insulting.