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About Last Weekend: Tony’s Cup Runneth Over

Tony Stewart

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.

  • Tony Stewart won his third Sprint Cup championship in a thrilling duel with Carl Edwards at Homestead-Miami Speedway, holding off Edwards to win the race. Afterward, things took an uncomfortable turn when Stewart was forced to remove his clothing in order to thank all 67 of his sponsors.

  • Aaron Rodgers threw for 299 yards and three touchdowns as the Packers remained undefeated with a 35-26 win over the Buccaneers. “The record is great and all,” said Rodgers. “I just wish I hadn’t started Josh Freeman in my fantasy league this week.”
  • With a 23-7 win over the Arizona Cardinals, the 9-1 San Francisco 49ers are now close to clinching the NFC West. All they have to do from here on out is lose every game by 50, but somehow manage not to die.
  • Jay Cutler’s 286 yards and two touchdowns propelled the Bears to a 31-20 win over the rapidly fading Chargers. The bad news for the Bears is that Cutler broke his thumb, and will likely miss the rest of the season. The good news for the Bears is that Cutler always thought the playoffs were for dorks anyway.
  • Oklahoma State lost its undefeated record, and perhaps its chance at a BCS championship, in a 37-31 double overtime upset at Iowa State. Quarterback Brandon Weeden, a former minor league baseball player who returned to college late, thoughtfully smoked a pipe and handed out Werther’s Originals to his distraught teammates.
  • Oregon’s late comeback fell short, and the Ducks dropped out of BCS title consideration with a 38-35 loss to USC. Afterward, reporters were disconcerted at the sight of head coach Chip Kelly’s neon-green tears.
  • Penn State earned its first win without Joe Paterno since 1965 with a 20-14 win over Ohio State. The team celebrated the victory the same way it did back in ’65, by listening to old Nixon tapes and cursing the Kennedys.
  • No. 15 Alabama used 20 points from Trevor Releford to win the Puerto Rico Tip-Off title with a 65-56 win over Purdue. Unfortunately, sources report that the game was almost nothing like West Side Story.
  • Darius Miller, a senior, came off the bench to score 13 points as no. 2 Kentucky beat Old Dominion 62-52 to move to 4-0. After the game, John Calipari was happy with the victory, but seemed ambivalent about the fact that one of his players might actually graduate.