In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- Tim Tebow is the owner of an NFL playoff victory. In the first postseason game to end on the first play from scrimmage in overtime, the Broncos defeated the Steelers 29-23 on Tebow’s 80-yard touchdown pass to Demaryius Thomas. It’s been widely pointed out that Tebow threw for 316 yards (see John 3:16), but I’d also like to note that an anagram of DeMaryius Thomas is “I Am Deus, Host, Mary” and that after the game, Ben Roethlisberger was clearly on the road to perdition. Think what you will, America.
- Not to be outdone, Eli Manning threw for 277 yards and three touchdowns as the Giants advanced to the divisional round with a 24-2 victory over the Falcons. And whereas Tebow performs miracles, Eli performs cruelties, like intentionally taking a safety so the Falcons had to have those embarrassing two points. Beyond the goofy grin lies a sadist.
- In Saturday’s action, the New Orleans Saints rolled over the Lions 45-28, and the Houston Texans easily topped the Bengals 31-10. It was a bad day to have any type of cat as your mascot, unless of course you played for the San Diego P——, this year’s cat hunting national champions.
- On ESPN Radio, Packers wide receiver Greg Jennings said Aaron Rodgers is a better quarterback than Brett Favre. A few minutes later, an anonymous caller with a gruff southern accent phoned in and told Jennings to “check his texts for a big surprise. Well, more like medium-sized, but it’s cold outside this motel.”
- Jay Paterno told ESPN that his father, disgraced Penn State coach Joe Paterno, “wants to tell his story.” The good news is that it’ll be fascinating to hear Paterno’s side of everything. The bad news is that we’re dealing with an old man, so clearly we’ll have to wade through endless stories about the state of his bladder, or how much it cost to rent a mule in 1935.
- Over the next week, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers plan to interview both Brad Childress and Wade Phillips. No word yet on whether they also plan to interview a guy who can just wire their entire stadium with explosives and blow it up on Super Bowl Sunday.
- Kobe Bryant scored 26 points as the Lakers won their sixth straight home game, 90-82 over the Grizzlies. And despite the fact that teammates, coaches, and agents have told Bryant repeatedly that the Grizzlies now play in Memphis, he once again spent the entire press conference making really off-color jokes about the city of Vancouver.
- Kevin Durant’s 21 points and 10 boards led the Thunder to its third win in three night as they topped the Spurs 108-96. The next time Oklahoma City and San Antonio meet, it will probably be in some kind of showdown involving barbecue or funny tricks you can play on a cow.
- No. 22 Kansas State used 20 points from Rodney McGurder to knock no. 6 Missouri from the ranks of the unbeaten, 75-59. That leaves just Syracuse, Baylor, and
Wichita StateMurray State in the undefeated column, and the first two are reporting that WichitaMurray State won’t stop calling them and asking if they want to “hit the mall and hang in the food court.”
- The response to the first ever Participation Friday was overwhelming. I asked for your favorite animal fact, and man, you delivered. Narrowing them down was tough, but I managed to cull the responses into a top ten list. Keep in mind that I have not vetted these facts for their truth, and some of them may be of questionable veracity. I personally believe that all of them are 100 percent factual, because why would anyone lie? But you’ve been warned.
- Before we get to the list, I would like to thank everyone who emailed to let me know that the honey badger doesn’t give a s—, and that turtles can breathe through their butts.
- Bonus 1: Ryan Family Jokes!
- A. Bluebottle Flies can smell meat from over 5 miles away. (Just like Rob Ryan!) — Mark S.
- B. The tongue of a blue whale can weigh more than a full-grown adult elephant. Interestingly, Rex Ryan’s tongue weighs more than a full-grown blue whale.
— Jeff P.
- Bonus 2: Wait, how the hell do you know that?
- A. Most tropical marine fish could survive in a tank filled with human blood.
— Ryan L.
- B. A sloth can carry up to 15 times its own body weight. It just doesn’t want to.
— Matt M.
- Top Ten
- 10. Male Giraffes who are unable to find a mate and fail to have intercourse by their 20th birthday commit suicide, usually by hanging themselves from a tree branch, or by charging into a pack of lions.
— Ted T.
- 9. The accent of a cow’s “mooing” depends on the region it is from.
— Joshua H.
- 8. Mules do not sink in quicksand. Also, a pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
— Joshua C.
- 7. Approximately 50 percent of all orangutans have fractured bones, a result of falling off of trees on a regular basis.
— Seth S.
- 6. Polars bears are actually allergic to snow. This is what causes their fur to whiten.
— Mike D. in Atlanta, GA
- 5. Zebras and polar bears are the only animals who will kill for fun and not for food.
— Jordan F.
- 4. Sloths go to the ground to urinate and defecate about once a week, digging a hole and covering it afterwards. Some believe that it is to keep from making noise and attracting predators that would be attracted to the noise of crap falling through the trees of a rainforest.
— Dan H. in Lincoln, NE
- 3. If you cut off one side of a cat’s whiskers it will stumble around like a drunk because cats use their whiskers for balance.
— Logan D. in Denver, CO
- 2. Besides humans and some species of monkey, rats are the only other animal that can be tickled. And they love it: the more your tickle them the more they come back for more.
— Matt P.
- 1. Smaller male cuttlefish will imitate females to get closer to the actual females, and sometimes actually “mate” with other males, in order to save the females for themselves. Since there are so many more males than females, this is the only way for the smaller males to get one of the coveted females.
— Levi A.
- I can’t decide whether I’d rather be a cuttlefish or a giraffe.
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