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About Last Weekend: The Ravens’ Revenge

Tom BradyIn case you were busy writing the first part of a gritty 3-D trilogy reimagining the story of Humpty Dumpty called “HD Volume One: Sitting on a Wall,” here’s what you missed in sports last weekend.

  • The Baltimore Ravens topped the Patriots, 28-13, behind three touchdown passes from quarterback Joe Flacco. After the game, Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs reportedly said, “Tell (the Patriots) to have fun at the Pro Bowl.” When told this, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady grinned ear to ear, saying, “Terrell said that? Really? I thought that guy didn’t like me, what with the all the hitting and screaming today. I guess I learned a valuable lesson in judging. Tell Terrell congratulations on his hard-fought victory, and that we will have a great time at the Pro Bowl because nothing is better than chilling with friends in Hawaii. And then tell him aloha, because, hello, what a great competitor; goodbye, I’ll miss his sweet face; and I just love that guy’s attitude!”
  • The San Francisco 49ers overcame an early 17-point deficit to top the Atlanta Falcons, 28-24, and advance to Super Bowl XLVII in New Orleans. A despondent Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan skipped his postgame press conference, but said in an off-camera interview, “People call me ‘Matty Ice,’ but it’s a hoax. I’m not any colder than anyone else. I’ve spent the last four years sneaking around from meat lockers to industrial refrigerators to ice cream trucks, all in an attempt to maintain this facade. But being someone I’m not has done nothing but bring me trouble. You wouldn’t believe my air-conditioning bills. Plus the weight of deception hangs heavy on my shoulders. I’m just a dude who plays quarterback in the NFL, not some sort of cold-blooded lizard man. So please, stop reporting that I’m some sort of cold-blooded lizard man.”
  • Adding injury to injury, an Atlanta Falcons fan was stabbed in the neck outside the Georgia Dome after his team’s loss in the NFC Championship Game. Police were stunned by the altercation. “We’re at square one with our investigation,” Atlanta Police Chief George Turner said in a statement. “We know the assailant is from the Bay Area, so we’re rounding up Raiders fans trying to figure out a motive, but nothing makes any sense yet.” When it was suggested to Turner that perhaps a fan of the 49ers could’ve been involved, Turner laughed. “A 49ers fan perpetrating a neck-stabbing? No, no, definitely a Raiders fan. This is what we in the police business describe as a calling-card.”
  • With the 49ers’ victory, the Super Bowl XLVII matchup is now set. It will be a classic matchup between numbers and birds, featuring head coaches Jim Harbaugh and John Harbaugh, which sure is a doozy of a coincidence. What are the odds that two men who share a last name and first initial would enter the same highly competitive line of work, much less find themselves simultaneously and independently at the pinnacle of it? Wouldn’t it be weird if they knew each other? I sure hope someone does some in-depth reporting on this in the next two weeks.
  • Butler’s Roosevelt Jones hit a buzzer-beating runner to top Gonzaga, 64-63, in Indianapolis, causing the Butler student section to empty onto the famed Hinkle Fieldhouse floor. “I told my team before the game to keep an eye on Roosevelt, he’s gonna try to pack the court with some backdoor shenanigans,” said Gonzaga coach and American Politics professor Mark Few after the game. “I can’t believe we still let him treat us like a supplicant, Depression-era Republican Congress.”
  • Syracuse guard Michael Carter-Williams scored a late basket off a turnover as the Orange bested top-ranked Louisville in a nail-biter, 70-68, to take pole-position in the Big East race. “Tough loss, but the fans got what they wanted,” said Louisville head coach Rick Pitino after the game. “A good game, and ample evidence that they should not pick our team to win the NCAA tournament.” Asked if perhaps his team had matured since its Final Four loss to Kentucky last season, Pitino laughed. “Matured? No no, our habit for making mistakes at inopportune times in big games is what those in the Bracketology business refer to as a calling-card.”
  • Novak Djokovic survived an epic five-set thriller against Stanislas Wawrinka to advance to the Australian Open quarterfinals. “It was war out there,” Djokovic said afterward to a bemused press corps. “No rinka-dinka tennis. Had to stand in and slash my way through the match until — What is everyone laughing about?” When told it was nothing, and that he should talk about his next opponent, Tomas Berdrych, Djokovic continued, “Oh, you can cage Berdrych by keeping him baseline on his backhand, but that doesn’t mean he’ll sing, so I’m not going to count my points before they come home to roost, as Tomas Berdrych in your hand is worth two — hey! I’m talking tennis here, not djoking around!”
  • The Denver Nuggets overcame 37 points from Kevin Durant en route a 121-118 victory over the Oklahoma City Thunder at home on Sunday. Kenneth “Manimal” Faried scored the key go-ahead layup, assisted by Corey “Other Guy From That Really Good Florida Team, Yeah? That’s Him, Right? It’s Nice That He’s Still Playing” Brewer.
  • The Los Angeles Kings raised their Stanley Cup championship banner before being routed by the Chicago Blackhawks at Staples Center, 5-2. “It’s always hard giving the Cup back, and it was even harder this year. Some of the guys thought with the lockout they’d maybe get to keep it forever,” Kings coach Darryl Sutter said after the game. “Given our morale, the score could have been much worse.” Kings goalie Jonathan Quick added between heaving sobs, “They say that if you love something, let it go. If it returns, it’s yours; if it doesn’t, it wasn’t. But why does it have to be this hard?”
  • US Men’s National Team star Clint Dempsey scored a last-minute equalizer to salvage a 1-1 draw for Tottenham Hotspur against Premier League–leading Manchester United at a snowy White Hart Lane on Sunday. Spurs goalie, Frenchman Hugo Lloris, was reflective after the game. “Does the sequence of events even matter?” Lloris wondered aloud, as he took a drag off of a Gauloises. “To be saved by an American? Irony, repetition, coincidence, tragedy. We die, then we are born, only to die a thousand deaths again. Are we all not ultimately figments of a thoughtless god’s delusions, waiting to be forgotten?” Lloris then smacked Spurs reserve goalkeeper Brad Friedel on the butt, and disappeared into the night, humming “La Marseillaise.”
  • Finally, St. Louis Cardinals great Stan Musial died at 92 on Saturday. Aside from being a first-ballot Hall of Famer, Musial will be best remembered as your grandfather’s proof that your dad would never live up to expectations.