In case you were busy trying to solve the Heat’s chemistry issues using stoichiometry, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:
- It was a weekend of big comebacks in the NFL as contenders Seattle and Indianapolis mounted stunning symmetrical rallies behind their Pro Bowl second-year quarterbacks to beat Tampa Bay and Houston, respectively, 27-24. When asked if they were disappointed to have fallen behind relatively poor opposition, both Seattle’s Russell Wilson and the Colts’ Andrew Luck replied, “It’s easy to look at records and dismiss an opponent, but every team in the league is good.” Then both men said, “There are no excuses in this league. Sure, we lost a top receiver to an ACL injury last week, but every team deals with injuries, and it’s on me to avoid mistakes,” before both said, “But what’s special with this team is its belief and resolve.” When asked if they were considering a presidential run after their careers were over, both men laughed and replied, “Well, I don’t want to get ahead of myself but who knows?” Then both men pointed directly at the camera and said, “But I do know this: There’s only one man standing in my way. And he knows who he is. And I will stop at nothing until I am the most powerful man in the world.” Then both men let out uncharacteristically evil maniacal laughs, before clearing their throats and adding, “Go Hawks,” and, “Go Colts.”
- In a battle of ACC unbeatens, Florida State throttled Miami 41-14 as they narrowly moved back to no. 2 in the BCS standings. “Don’t worry, folks,” said Seminoles head coach Jimbo Fisher after the game, “we’re not gonna run up the score for no BCS computer. No siree, Bob.” Fisher then pulled his sunglasses down to the tip of his nose, peered out over them, and said, “We’re gonna run up the score because scoring lots of points is real fun.”
- Michael Carter-Williams and the Philadelphia 76ers stunned the Chicago Bulls 107-104 as they improved to a surprising 3-0 to open the NBA season. “Seems like everyone has the one that got away,” Sixers general manager Sam Hinkie said when asked about his team’s unexpected hot start. Hinkie then turned back to his TV, where he was watching film of Kansas’s spring practice, and said, “a girl, a job, a dream. Something that got away. Not me, though. I’ve lived a blessed life.” Hinkie then picked up his remote and rewound to a play in which freshman Andrew Wiggins made a no-look pass to a teammate and then crashed to rebound and put back the missed shot with an acrobatic dunk. He watched it, then paused, rewound, and watched it again before adding, “Not me. Not until now. I guess you can be lucky for only so long.”
- Ohio State extended its undefeated run to 21 games, the nation’s best, under head coach Urban Meyer with a 56-0 rout of Purdue. “Blackjack!” Meyer yelled after the game, fulfilling his quota of “one fun moment per month,” as was stipulated by his doctor upon his return to coaching football.
- Nick Foles broke the Eagles out of their offensive slump, throwing for a record-tying seven touchdowns as Philadelphia dominated the Oakland Raiders in a 49-20 win. After the game, reserve quarterback Matt Barkley rode to the airport with his former head coach Lane Kiffin. “Look, kid, when you were a Trojan you were beautiful,” Kiffin told his former quarterback, “you coulda been another Carson Palmer, and that skunk they got for a head coach, Kelly, he brought you along too fast.” Barkley cut him off, “It wasn’t him, Lane, it was you. I asked you if I should go into the draft and you said, ‘This ain’t your night! They’re going for Luck and Wilson’ My night! I coulda taken Wilson apart. So what happens? They’re starting for title contenders, leading huge comebacks, and I get a one-way ticket to Palookaville! You were my coach, Lane, you shoulda taken care of me a little bit.” Kiffin told Barkley, “You still got drafted, you saw some money,” but a furious Barkley shot back, “You don’t understand! I coulda had class, Lane. I coulda been a contender! I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let’s face it. It was you, Lane. It was you.”
- Aaron Ramsey continued his scintillating form, providing a stunning goal as Arsenal stayed top of the Premier League table following their 2-0 win over Liverpool. The debate now rages: Of whom can the suddenly in-form Welshman best be described as being the Welsh version? Messi? Maradona? Johan Cruyff? Pele? The answer is all four. Therefore, Arsenal midfielder Aaron Ramsey will heretofore be known as the Welsh Johele Messadona, a nickname that Ramsey himself has deemed, “weird, if flattering, but mostly just weird.”
- Former Astros and Tigers catcher Brad Ausmus has been named the new manager of the Detroit Tigers, taking over for retired manager Jim Leyland. “Hey, Prince,” Tigers star Miguel Cabrera said to his teammate Prince Fielder as the two men vacationed together with their families on the coast of Brazil, “what do you know about this Ausmus guy?” Fielder turned to Cabrera on his beach chair and replied, “Brad Ausmus? Guy was on those good Astros teams. Those teams could hit a ton. Man, remember the Killer B’s? Why?” Cabrera rolled onto his stomach and said, “He’s our new manager.” Fielder smiled and said, “Finally, a guy who really gets hitting. Those Astros teams hit for days. Here, let me pull up his stats.” Fielder shielded his eyes from the sun, and typed “brad ausmus hitting stats,” into his phone. “Hold on, Miguel,” Fielder said as the page loaded, “the service here isn’t great. Oh, look here it is. Hey, do you want to get BBQ later or maybe something diff— NO! NO! WHY? WHY WOULD THIS HAPPEN?” Fielder threw his phone onto the beach before picking up handfuls of sand and pouring them into his eyes as he yelled, “Clean, must make the eyes clean. Dirty eyes! Dirty eyes!” A confused Cabrera picked then up Fielder’s phone and looked at the screen. “Dude,” Cabrera said as he heard his teammate writhing in pain, “it can’t be that bad. And yeah, BBQ sounds but but but but NO! YOU SAID THEY HIT A TON! WHY WOULD YOU LIE!” Cabrera soaked in year after year of below-average hitting before clocking himself in the head with Fielder’s phone as he yelled, “THERE IS NO GOD! WE HAVE BEEN FORSAKEN!”