In case you were busy writing a sports recap column in which you carefully embedded subtle Game of Thrones spoilers, here’s what you missed in sports this weekend:
- It wasn’t easy, but the top-seeded Louisville Cardinals will be playing for the NCAA Championship after beating the Wichita State Shockers, 72-68. “This is my favorite time of the year; Cinderella is dead,” Louisville coach Rick Pitino declared as he smashed a glass slipper at his postgame press conference. When asked what he does with the glass slipper when his team fails to defeat an underdog, Pitino replied, “What do you mean? These are my slippers. It’s not like I get these specially made for this occasion. That would be weird.”
- The Michigan Wolverines stormed out early and held on late, topping Syracuse, 61-56, to book a spot in the NCAA Championship game. “It’s devastating,” said Syracuse coach Jim Boeheim after the game. “Is there a 2-3 defense for the heart? Is there a rotating big man who can stop the tears?” When asked if perhaps he should develop an offensive plan to attack his emotions, Boeheim responded, “Why would you do something like that?”
- The Los Angeles Clippers secured their first-ever division title with a win over the crosstown rival Lakers, 109-95. Clippers owner Donald Sterling celebrated by signing a deal to develop a Native American burial ground into condominiums with a Qdoba on the ground floor so that nothing like this ever happens again.
- Break up the Knicks! New York went into Oklahoma City and emerged with one of the most impressive wins of their now 12-game winning streak, beating the Thunder, 125-120. “Why won’t they just lose?” asked New York Post headline writer Scott Fenton, as he solemnly deleted “Thunderstruck” from a Microsoft Word document and glumly wrote “A Delicious Dozen” in its place.
- Will Middlebrooks hit three home runs Sunday as the Boston Red Sox thrashed R.A. Dickey and the Toronto Blue Jays, 13-0. “Dickey throws really soft,” Middlebrooks explained after the game. “I mean, this guy won the Cy Young last year? It doesn’t make any sense. Everything was just sort of floating up there. Most hittable pitcher I’ve ever faced.”
- After a near-perfect first start, Stephen Strasburg regressed, giving up six runs as the Washington Nationals fell to the Reds in Cincinnati, 6-3. “It was the weirdest thing,” Strasburg explained after the game. “My pitches all felt the same as last week in Miami, but they just weren’t nearly as effective. It’s as if, for some reason, playing the Marlins in Miami makes me look really good, but I can’t quite place it.” Strasburg then thought deeply and stroked his chin before throwing his hands up and saying, “I just don’t get it at all. It’s a total mystery.”
- The Connecticut Huskies beat Notre Dame, 83-65, and will face the Louisville Cardinals in an all Big East Women’s NCAA Basketball Championship game. When asked what excited him most about the matchup, Connecticut head coach Geno Auriemma responded, “I’m excited to finally take on Pitino. Guy has a great head of hair; I have a great head of hair. Should be a great matchup for folks who love great heads of hair.” When told that he wasn’t going up against Pitino, Auriemma went on to say, “Oh, well, never mind. I guess the hair battle has already been won.”
- Jimmie Johnson got his eighth career win at Martinsville after leading for a career-best 346 laps. “That is definitely the most exciting record I’ve ever broken,” Johnson said after the race. “I mean, 346 laps? That’s insane! Anybody can win five straight titles, but 346 laps? That’s going on the Johnson tombstone.” Johnson went on to explain that every member of his family shares a single tombstone on a plot of land in El Cajon, California, and getting anything on the tombstone aside from a name is a rare tribute reserved for true acts of heroism.
- The Chicago Blackhawks came from behind to beat the Nashville Predators, 5-3, clinching a spot in the upcoming NHL playoffs. Blackhawks owner Rocky Wirtz attributed his team’s success to selling a plot of land to Donald Sterling. “My father, Bill, always dreamed of building Blackhawks Condominiums on the land and putting a fast, casual eatery out front, but I think we made the right choice passing on this particular development for a number of reasons.”