In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- On Saturday, Philip Humber tossed baseball’s 21st perfect game in a 4-0 White Sox win over the Mariners. After the game, the ghost of Ford Frick rose from the dead and placed an asterisk next to Humber’s accomplishment, saying, “ooooo-ooo-ooo, the Mariners suck, ooo-oooo-oooo.”
- Kobe Bryant scored 26 points and led the Lakers back from an 18-point deficit to beat the Thunder 114-106 in double overtime. Despite the exciting finish, the game was marred when Metta World Peace was ejected for hitting James Harden with a vicious elbow. And look, I know Artest changed his name, but at times like these I can’t help questioning just how committed he is to world peace.
- Trailing 9-0 in the sixth inning, the Yankees scored 15 runs in three innings to embarrass the Red Sox 15-9. Researchers have been scouring video for the last 24 hours, but have yet to determine the exact moment when Bobby Valentine’s smug little grin turned into a smug little frown that still looks like a smug little grin.
- Alberto Gonzalez fouled an attempted squeeze off his own leg in the 11th inning, but the umpire called it a fair ball and the Rangers beat the Tigers 3-2. Some reporters began calling it the “Thigh of God” run in reference to Maradona’s famous “Hand of God” goal, until God Himself finally lost His cool and was like, “dudes, for real, I don’t care who wins your f***ing sports games.”
- In first round NHL playoff action, the Flyers dispatched the Penguins in six, the Bruins forced a game seven with Washington, the Kings ousted the Canucks in five, the Senators took a 3-2 lead on the Rangers, the Panthers went up 3-2 on the Devils, the Blues eliminated the Sharks in five, and the Blackhawks survived elimination with a 2-1 overtime win over the Coyotes. Careful readers will note that I only listed seven series. The eighth was between the Predators and Red Wings, but it got canceled because, to quote the NHL, “we were all pretty much hockeyed out.”
- Carmelo Anthony scored 39 points and grabbed 10 boards and Amare Stoudemire blocked Marvin Williams’ dunk at the buzzer as the Knicks edged the Hawks 113-112 in Atlanta. “In hindsight, I guess that wasn’t the best time to pull out my trick nose dunk,” said Williams after the game, bleeding profusely into a towel.
- Rafael Nadal won his eighth consecutive title at Monte Carlo by beating Novak Djokovic in a final for the first time in eight tries. He celebrated in typical fashion by flexing his eight biceps.
- Ben Curtis ended a six-year PGA tour drought with an emotional win at the Texas Open. He was then flogged in public, because it’s not acceptable for a male to be emotional in Texas about anything except football, Ronald Reagan, and paintings of Ronald Reagan playing football on a horse.
- Denny Hamlin won at Kansas Speedway for his second NASCAR victory of the year, holding off a late charge by Martin Truex, which I think is a company on the New York Stock Exchange.
- Jon Jones defeated Rashad Evans by decision to retain the world light heavyweight title in UFC action. As usual, Jones spent the hours after the fight explaining to fans that no, the UFC isn’t fake like the WWE. “Wait, this isn’t fake?” asked a confused Evans, holding a metal folding chair and preparing for Round 6.
- After a 114-88 loss to Sacramento, the Charlotte Bobcats are just three losses away from securing the worst record in NBA history. “Look,” said Bobcats coach Paul Silas, “if we’re going to be bad, we might as well be historically bad, right?” As he said the words, the ghost of the Seattle Mariners offense rose from the dead and was all like, “oooo-ooooo-ooooo, totally agree, finally someone gets me, ooooo-oooooo-ooooo.”