In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- Stephen Strasburg struck out seven over six scoreless innings to earn his 10th win of the year as the Nationals beat the Marlins 4-0. In the home locker room, Ozzie Guillen took a long hard look at himself in the mirror and realized he had to motivate his team. It had been too long. Without wasting another second, he took out his iPhone and Googled “inspiring Fidel Castro quotes.”
- Sources say the Knicks won’t match the Houston Rockets’ offer for point guard Jeremy Lin, choosing instead to let him walk away. That’s the bad news. The good news is that Knicks owner James Dolan and his awesome band, JD and the Straight Shot, are going to play a super poignant version of “Walk Away Renée,” in what promises to be an emotional good-bye ceremony. “We just have to get Lin onboard,” said Dolan, wearing a polo shirt with the sleeves rolled up and all the buttons undone.
- Another Knicks point guard, Jason Kidd, was arrested for DWI early Sunday after hitting a telephone pole with his car. But then again, is this really news? We already knew he couldn’t drive. AM I RIGHT, MY PEOPLE?! Electric guitar wailing, fireworks and lasers, lions leaping across the stage, me running around in a full leather suit pointing at people.
- Kasey Kahne benefited from a miscommunication between Denny Hamlin and his crew chief Darian Grubb to win his second Sprint Cup race of the year at New Hampshire Motor Speedway. “Denny’s is the pits,” said Grubb, referring to the popular restaurant chain over the radio late in the race. Hamlin immediately drove into pit row, and was furious when the confusion was cleared up. “Stop fucking talking about Denny’s on the radio!” he yelled. “Dammit, Darian! So unprofessional.” This follows an incident last month when Grubb said, “Actually, I think Denny’s is alright,” causing Hamlin to forgo a pit stop while his wheels fell off.
- In his first game in two years since undergoing elbow ligament replacement surgery, Braves starter Ben Sheets threw six scoreless innings in a 6-1 win over the Mets. “These new spring-loaded ligaments are amazing!” said Sheets, whose fastball topped out at 216 mph.
- Zach Johnson won the John Deere Classic with a birdie on the second playoff hole, defeating Troy Matteson. He’ll now face the difficult choice of wearing his brand-new mesh-backed John Deere hat as either a redneck or a hipster.
- Scott Rolen’s bases-loaded single in the eighth inning broke a 2-2 tie, propelling the Reds to a 4-2 win and a sweep of the Cardinals. “I haven’t seen a Cardinal sweep like this since Pope Pius IX, 1845!” said Reds manager Dusty Baker, who’s gotten really into Vatican humor lately.
- Ray Allen took out a full-page ad in a Boston newspaper thanking the fans for their support over his five years with the Celtics. “You’re welcome!” said men between ages 65 and death.
- Yovanni Gallardo struck out a career-high 14 batters as the Brewers beat the Pirates 4-1 to win the weekend series. I really think we’re rushing him back after some really serious personal issues, but … back by popular demand, here’s today’s joke from Terrence the Grantland Robot, who is training to take our jobs but hasn’t learned how to write in lowercase letters: “HELLO YOVANNI, MAY I ASK YOU A QUESTION? HOW DOES IT FEEL KNOWING YOU HAVE JUST REACHED THE PEAK OF YOUR LIFE AND IT WILL ALL GET WORSE FROM HERE? DEPRESSION PHRASE NUMBER 19. CYNICAL CACKLE NUMBER 26. LIFE IS BULLSHIT.” Ugh. I knew it was too soon.