In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- Boise State kicked off its season Saturday with a 35-21 thumping of Georgia. The game was in Atlanta, so the Broncos didn’t have the benefit of their home field’s blue turf, but they managed to blend into the Atlanta scenery anyway by wearing uniforms made from concrete and broken glass.
- In a clash of Top 5 teams, LSU pulled away from Oregon in the third quarter for a 40-27 win. Ducks coach Chip Kelly was so upset with this his team that he docked them a full day’s pay.
- Josh Beckett was removed with a sprained ankle in the fourth inning of Monday’s 1-0 Red Sox loss to the Blue Jays. There’s no indication how long he’ll be sidelined, but Yankee fans hope he’ll be out just long enough to miss the postseason. In 2045.
- After re-gaining the AL East lead over the weekend, the Yankees kept rolling with an 11-10 win over the Orioles. Recent call-up Jesus Montero hit two home runs to lead the charge. The fans were so thrilled that they gave the rookie two curtain calls, though A-Rod spoiled the moment by taking both.
- Jets head coach Rex Ryan said the season opener against Dallas this weekend is the most pressure he’s ever felt. “Now he knows how I feel,” said his severely deformed sofa.
- The Angels stayed within shouting distance of the Rangers in the AL West, beating the Mariners 7-3 behind Mark Trumbo’s three RBI. Brace yourselves, gang, it’s time for: the sappy sportswriter monologue of the morning!
- Folks, there’s just something about Hollywood. They call it ‘tinsel town,’ ‘la la land,’ ‘the entertainment capital of the world.’ But here’s what they should call it: Mike Scioscia-Ville. That’s right, ladies and gents, because the greatest man in movie town is a gruff Easterner who’s probably never even sat through the first Star Wars. But that doesn’t keep him from managing his Los Angeles Angels right out of the galaxy. While the rest of baseball was out buying popcorn for ten dollars a bucket, he’s taken a bunch of has-beens and never-will-bes, and snuck them into the Wednesday matinee through the back door. He’s Indiana Jones cracking his whip. He’s E.T. holding up a crooked alien finger. He’s the usher with the flashlight and the acne-ridden kid at the concession stand. He’s even the guy with the suit playing the piano during silent films. But whatever you want to call him, even the best screenwriter in the biz couldn’t write his greatness away. He may not be a summer blockbuster with a star-studded cast, but he’s led the unlikely Angels to the brink of the closing credits- playoff baseball. And that’s a script worthy of an Oscar.
- Former Ohio State coach Jim Tressel was hired by the Colts as a replay-game consultant, but he won’t be starting until the seventh game in order to mimic similar suspensions served by former Ohio State players. Tressel was fine with the delay, saying it would give him time to knit a blue sweater vest and stare stoically into his ruined future.
- Serena Williams advanced to the quarterfinals at the U.S. Open with a straight set win over Ana Ivanovic. When reached for comment, men of the world had to ask — was that totally necessary?
- Daniel Hudson’s strong showing Sunday helped the Diamondbacks win the series with the Giants and all but cement their place atop the NL west. Things are going so well that manager Kirk Gibson will soon have to break it to his team that they’ll be playing Philadelphia in the first round of the playoffs. “I’ve been trying to keep it hidden from the kids,” he told reporters. “I guess we all have to lose our innocence some day, but you hate to see their little hearts broken so young.”
- Tiki Barber’s agent told reporters that he was “flabbergasted” that no team gave his 36-year-old client a shot at the NFL this year. He was also “dumbfounded” that Abe Vigoda wasn’t voted People Magazine’s “sexiest man alive,” and “stupefied” that the U.S. presidency isn’t automatically given to the country’s oldest man.
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