In case you were busy giving it just one more try in Lep’s World 2, seriously, just one more, GODDAMNIT, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:
- Overcoming a fearsome Merion course, Justin Rose secured his first major win, finishing the U.S. Open at 1-over and relegating Phil Mickelson to yet another second-place finish at the country’s most challenging golf tournament. Mickelson, visibly disappointed by his finish, found himself alone at the driving range hours after the tournament, well after the sun had set. He was hitting ball after ball, trying to find the swing he would need to finally vanquish the tournament that had haunted him throughout his otherwise storied career. Suddenly, an ethereal figure emerged from the darkness, walking toward Mickelson’s tee box. Mickelson shouted down the range, “Who’s that? I coulda killed you out there.” The ethereal figure calmly replied, “No sir. I set myself directly in front of you. Judging by how’s you was hitting them balls I figured that’s how I’d be out of harm’s way.” Mickelson then replied, “I was hitting fades,” and ripped a drive right into the ethereal man’s forehead, instantly knocking him unconscious, before saying under his breath, “Coulda used you on the putting green, motherfucker.”
- Behind another big game from Danny Green, the San Antonio Spurs grabbed a critical NBA Finals win over the Miami Heat, 114-104, and will head back to Miami for the final two games with a 3-2 series advantage. Noted Frenchman Boris Diaw, another key cog in the Spurs’ win by effectively neutralizing LeBron James in limited minutes, said after the game, “To me, defense is not a denial, so much as it is an affirmation. There are baskets that have not yet been made, and never shall be, and my artistry comes about in their non-manifestation. Right now, I make art. As no one is making a basket. Also now. And now. And now. But not now, for on the streets of Roanoke, in the moment I said the word now, a young boy made his very first basket. And my artistry was denied as I was unable to stop it. But right now. Then, that now? That was art.” Diaw then smiled smugly, before pulling a lit Gauloise out of Kawhi Leonard’s nostril.
- Daniel Paille’s overtime goal gave the Boston Bruins a 2-1 win over the Chicago Blackhawks, as they evened up a thrilling Stanley Cup final at 1-1. Tuukka Rask, who was immense in goal for Boston, said after the game, “Rask! Rask! Rask! Rask!” He then picked up a terrified Paille and spun him around over his head before hurling him into a locker in a ritual Rask described as being, “Rask! Rask! Rask! Rask!” Paille is likely available for Game 3 despite sustaining both upper and lower body injuries in the celebration.
- Carlos Rodon threw eight shutout innings as the NC State Wolfpack beat in-state rival North Carolina, 8-1, in their first College World Series appearance since 1968. Rodon credited his impressive form to “Hating the fucking sound of pings; they haunt me, they drive me mad. I will do anything I can to prevent their hideous sound.” Rodon’s comments caused his 2014 draft stock to plummet, as fears that his love of the classic “crack of the bat” sound would leave him unmotivated in the professional ranks.
- New Barcelona forward Neymar opened the scoring three minutes into Brazil’s match with a wonderful half-volley strike, as the Selecao kicked off the FIFA Confederations Cup with a convincing 3-0 win over Japan. “Eh, Brazil’s still no good,” said soccer fanatic and Portland native Adam Matthews, “and this whole tournament is meaningless because of the absence of Belgium. Now that’s a squad. Lukaku? Come on. No question. Scolari doesn’t even know to play Dante over Luiz at center half. Stupid Brazil.” Matthews then picked a wedgie out of his too small cutoff capri jeans, hopped on his bike, and headed down to his shift at Chewz, an artisanal gum manufacturer, where he would state unequivocally that Eden Hazard is 10 times the player Neymar is, no question.
- Greg Biffle gave Ford its 1000th NASCAR victory with his second consecutive dominant Sprint Cup win at Michigan International Speedway. Fortunately for Biffle, the race only lasted 400 miles, and not the 30,000 it would take to require a complete electrical rewiring of his car, or the 75,000 it would take to leave the transmission completely shot, and his car effectively totaled as the cost of the repair would have greatly outpaced the value of his vehicle. Rest in peace, sweet “Eddy,” my 1995 Eddie Bauer Ford Explorer. Rest in peace.
- Vladimir Putin has publicly denied reports that he stole Patriots owner Bob Kraft’s Super Bowl XXXIX ring, calling reports that he did so “weird.” Weird, of course, being a Russian word that loosely translates to “snitches get stitches.”
- Despite almost blowing a six-run ninth-inning lead, the Yankees leaned on Mariano Rivera to close things down as they held off the Angels, 6-5, ending their losing streak at five. “I’m leaning on Mariano all the time,” said Yankees general manager Brian Cashman after the win. “Like, right now, right now’s a time I’m leaning on Mariano Rivera.” Rivera, whom Cashman was in fact physically leaning on, then piped up and said, “Yeah, about that, Brian, do you think you could take a little of your own weight? I’m still nursing the old surgically reconstructed knee.” Cashman then staggered upright, and cry-yelled, “I’m sorry, Mo! I’m so sorry. I love you man. I love you so much. Have I told you that man? Have I? Cause I do. Really, I do.” Rivera then attempted to force a clearly inebriated Cashman to sit in a chair, but Cashman instead fell back onto Rivera, sending both clattering to the ground. Rivera is likely available for the Yankees’ next game despite sustaining both upper and lower body injuries.