In case you were busy breaking the last of your New Year’s resolutions, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend.
- Novak Djokovic became the first man to win three consecutive Australian Open titles in the Open era, topping Andy Murray 6-7, 7-6, 6-3, 6-2. The match turned during the second-set tiebreaker when a feather fell slowly to the court, distracting Murray. Murray snatched the feather from the air, called time, went to his bag, pulled out his lucky copy of Curious George, and tucked the feather between its pages. He then took out a box of chocolates, and approached a random woman in the crowd. “Hello,” Murray said. “My name’s Andy, Andy Murray; you want a chocolate?” The woman shook her head at him. Murray shrugged and said, “I could eat about a million and a half of these. My mama always said, ‘Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.’ Those must be comfortable shoes. I wish I had shoes like that.” Murray then ate a chocolate himself, before returning to the court, double-faulting, and dropping the set on the way to losing the match, while complaining of terrible foot blisters.
- The Boston Celtics topped the Miami Heat, 100-98, in double-overtime, before receiving news that their All-Star point guard Rajon Rondo will miss the remainder of the season with a torn ACL. “Ha ha, foolish mortals,” said Zeus, father of the gods and men, after the game. “You may think you are powerful, but if that is so, then why did I make your knee ligaments so snappable?” When asked what the reason was, Zeus said, “Huh, I can’t remember exactly; I think it had something to do with a romantic escapade gone awry. Like, I was disguised as a hawk, maybe? No, that’s why I invented acne. I don’t know. It seemed really important at the time, but now I see it’s just kind of cruel. That’s my bad, foolish mortals.”
- The Los Angeles Lakers took a step back toward the Western Conference playoff race with a 105-96 win over the Oklahoma City Thunder. Kobe Bryant finished with 14 assists for the second straight game, both Lakers wins. “See, I can be generous, I’m a good guy,” Bryant told his team in a closed door meeting after the game. “Now that you all trust me, would you please sign this document written in human blood that my attorney Jeff drew up.”
- Villanova, having knocked off Louisville on Tuesday, scored its second consecutive win over a top-5 opponent, knocking off Syracuse, 75-71, at home in overtime. “Well, we’re spent,” said Villanova sophomore Darrun Hilliard, who made two 3-pointers in the overtime period. “Seriously, we got nothing left. Coach Wright said to watch out for a letdown after the last one, but this time he was like, ‘It’s cool, guys. You have every right to let ‘er on down.’ So I guess our next opponent, Notre Dame, gets a freebie.” When told of Hilliard’s comments, Notre Dame coach Mike Brey said, “Yah, huh, and I bet they think I won’t notice they said the same thing before the Syracuse game. Nice try, guys.”
- The NFC topped the AFC, 62-35, in the NFL Pro Bowl in Hawaii. Seattle Seahawks rookie quarterback Russell Wilson, who threw for three touchdowns, credited his team’s success to his film study during the week leading up to the game. “Don’t care if it’s an exhibition, don’t care if my teammates think this is just for fun; if it’s football, I will be prepared,” Wilson said after the game. “There wasn’t much out there on the AFC unit, so I got some film spying on their practices with a GoPro strapped to my head, which I think made the difference. Well, that and the fact that no one else was trying.”
- Max Aaron took first place at the U.S. Figure Skating Championships, landing two quadruple jumps in his record-breaking free-skate routine set to a suite of songs from Stephen Sondheim’s musical West Side Story. Three-time champion Jeremy Abbott came in a disappointing third, after injuring himself skating with a pair of scissors warming up for his routine, which was set to a suite of songs from Sweeney Todd.
- Cristiano Ronaldo netted a hat trick in under 10 minutes for Real Madrid as they routed Getafe, 4-0. “Certainly I shall not be upstaged this week: three goals, nine minutes, best in the world,” Ronaldo said after the match, as the television in the locker room showed Lionel Messi netting his first goal of the day. “This will be Ronaldo’s week, something that hasn’t happened enough this season. We are the defending champions oh, they better not let him take that penalty,” Ronaldo said as Messi scored from the spot to put Barcelona up 2-1 over Osasuna early in the first half. A now on-edge Ronaldo then explained, “I will use my platform to speak about my work as Save the Children’s Global Artist Ambassador for Child Hunger and Nutrition, a role I just took on — YOU HAVE TO MARK HIM, PUT TWO MEN ON HIM, NO NO NO NO,” he cried as Messi completed his own hat trick in the 56th minute. Ronaldo, visibly shaken, started muttering, “Take him out, Tito, please just take him out.” But two minutes after the restart, Messi scored his fourth. As the ball hit the back of the net, Ronaldo slumped in his chair and told the assembled media, “I know how this goes. Run to him.”
- San Jose Sharks forward Patrick Marleau’s record-tying streak of multiple-goal games to start a season was snapped at four, as he scored just once in the Sharks’ 4-1 win over the Vancouver Canucks on Sunday. “Now, hopefully people will stop accusing me of selling my soul to the devil,” Marleau said after the game. “Seriously, my name is just a coincidence, as is the name of my roommate, Jeff Istophilis.”
- In an interview with The New Republic, President Barack Obama said that while he is a football fan, if he had a son, he would consider prohibiting him from playing. President Obama went on to say, “But if my hypothetical boy wanted to get into that X Games stuff, I would be super pumped. Did you see that Mark McMorris guy? Backside triple cork 1440? Come on! That was nasty. I called up [Canadian Prime Minister Stephen] Harper after that one and was all like, ‘Whoa, buddy, that was sick, but [Shaun] White’s gonna get SuperPipe gold.’ He was all like, ‘Let’s bet some NAFTA regulations on it,’ but I was all like, ‘Nah,’ and then [Vice President] Joe [Biden] straight up spilled his Rolling Rock all over Teddy Roosevelt’s rug, which was a total buzzkill, so I made him go to the kitchen to get paper towels to clean it up himself. Which was totally hilarious, ’cause there were, like, three Secret Service guys right there, but it’s like, ‘Joe, pull it together, man,’ and it’s not like I was gonna miss the Snocross finals. What were we talking about?”