In case you were out busting people’s chops and bringing them down a peg or two, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:
- The Masters has a new champion: Adam Scott defeated Angel Cabrera in a tense two-hole playoff to win his first major at Augusta National. But don’t get too comfortable, Mr. Scott. You still have a generic moniker that you share with both an actor and (for the most part) a cartoonist. This means that many people will still picture another man’s face when they hear your name, despite your mastery of hitting tiny balls into faraway holes. Hi-yo! Yes! Adam Scott’s chops: busted.
- The Atlanta Braves improved to an NL best 11-1, as they completed a sweep of the Washington Nationals with a 9-0 road win. But don’t get too cocky, Atlanta Braves. Of the last three teams to start 11-1, only one made the playoffs. Therefore, your odds of making the playoffs, 1-3, are the same as they were when you started the season, 10-30. Small sample sized! Ka-pow! You thought you were on the top peg, Braves of Atlanta. Now what peg are you on? I bet it’s the second or third one down!
- Kobe Bryant suffered a devastating Achilles injury that will keep the future Hall of Famer out for the remainder of this season, as well as the beginning of the next campaign. But don’t get too all up on your high horse, people who don’t like the Los Angeles Lakers. Not only did the Lakers win both of their games this weekend to increase their odds of qualifying for the postseason, but also, Kobe Bryant has still won five championships, become a legend in the second-biggest city in America, and amassed a personal fortune from playing a child’s game that will be used to purchase medical care that will ensure that, despite his Achilles tear, he will live a healthier, longer, and more comfortable life than yours. Buh-zing! Sing, oh muses, of the fortunes of Kobe’s haters: “Not so great!” Homer’d!
- Michigan’s Trey Burke, the reigning College Basketball National Player of the Year, will forgo his final two years of NCAA eligibility and enter the NBA draft. But don’t get too comfortable, friends and family of Alfonso “Trey” Burke. While the immediate windfall of an NBA contract appears to be a functionally unlimited sum of money, if not properly invested, even a multimillion-dollar fortune can be squandered quickly, leaving Burke and those he would support in a position of financial need, just as his earning power begins to diminish. Carlton-ed! It’s not unusual to find that more money equals more problems! Ka-Tonk!
- Clay Buchholz flirted with a no-hitter, and the Boston Red Sox continued their early run of good play with a 5-0 win over the Tampa Bay Rays. But don’t think all is well forevermore, current residents of Boston. Today is Marathon Monday; odds are that by the time you’re reading this, you already have a dozen empty cans of Natty Ice on your front lawn. That’s going to be kind of annoying to clean up. Bah-bwow! You just got spiked, city of Boston! Mighty Mighty Boss-toned!
- The New York Knicks clinched the East’s no. 2 seed, with a 90-80 win over the Indiana Pacers. But don’t get too cocksure, city of New York. Summer is coming, and along with it, the smell of hot garbage. More like Pee-ew York City! Oh, I’m sorry, were you riding high after Boston got spiked? Were you eating only the finest of chops for dinner, New York? Because it looks like your dinner is in multiple pieces. Whiz-zoom! Busted chops!
- Manchester City overcame a Demba Ba golazo and a bit of controversy to top Chelsea in their FA Cup semifinal match, 2-1, at Wembley Stadium. But don’t get too pleased with yourselves, members of the band Oasis. Your favorite soccer team might be in line for another trophy, but the lyrics to your song “Wonderwall” are still inane, and as it continues to be sung at karaoke bars across the world, more and more people are realizing that your ability to craft a catchy tune was not matched by your songwriting abilities. Oh, were you up on a peg, Gallagher brothers and various other men of the band Oasis? Because now it looks like you’ve been unpegged. Ha-choo! Ya’ll just got smushed like a watermelon!
- The Toronto Blue Jays, playing without the services of injured All-Star shortstop Jose Reyes, fell to the AL Central co-leading Kansas City Royals, 3-2, after an Alex Gordon walk-off single. But don’t get too self-assured, fans of the Kansas City Royals. Actually. You know what? Do. Get as self-assured as you can be. Carpe diem. There shall be no chop-busting or peg-downing here.