In case you were busy WATCHING GAME OF THRONES OH MY GOD YOU GUYS, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:
- The Chicago Blackhawks took a 2-0 series lead on the Los Angeles Kings with a 4-2 win at United Center. The loss was as bad for the Kings as oh no. I want to spoil Game of Thrones’ most recent episode so badly with this punch line. Not going to. This is a safe place. OK here is a spoiler-free Kings/Game of Thrones punch line to that setup: I CAN’T DO IT OH MY GOD GUYS. GUYS. GUYS. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? DO YOU SEE THE PARALLELS? OK. OK. Just, um, OK, I’ll set it up again, and do something else: The loss was as bad for the Kings as oh this is hopeless. As hopeless as the oh man, that was close to being a spoiler again. As close as Arya was to ah! It’s impossible! As impossible as no! This has to stop. As much as Joffrey has to stop OK I owe it to you all to walk away. And much as the Lannisters do, I always pay my debts, even if they end in — AHHH!
- Bankers Life Fieldhouse again proved an uncrackable vault for a Pacers opponent as Indiana forced a deciding Game 7 in the Eastern Conference finals with a 91-77 win over the Miami Heat. Dwyane Wade was again ineffective in the loss, scoring 10 points on 3-of-11 shooting despite 34 minutes on the floor. “It doesn’t make any sense,” Wade said in the locker room after the game. “Why would I be breaking down?” Just then, Chris Bosh yelled, “does anyone have any lip balm?” and Wade sprang into action, running past three journalists and a towel boy, drawing contact from all four before falling violently to the ground, and retrieving an extra tube of lip balm from a duffel bag he had stashed by the showers. Wade then got up limping and staggered over to Bosh, who high-fived Wade hard enough to send him flying into Mario Chalmers’s locker. Wade then got up again, grimaced, and doubled over in pain, before dragging himself back to his own locker. “Again, it doesn’t make any sense. A guy like me should be able to play forever.”
- Clint Dempsey shined, scoring two second-half goals, as the United States beat Germany, 4-3, in an international friendly. “Americans beating Germany?” said Portland resident Mark Standley. “How original. Uh, gee, never heard of that happening before, except in 1999, 1945, and 1919. It’s like, a goal from Jozy Altidore? Come on, Woodrow Wilson did it first, FDR did it best, and Claudio Reyna did it sexiest. Walk away, Jozy. Walk. Away.”
- It took Roger Federer five sets, but he joined fellow top seed David Ferrer in the French Open quarterfinals, where he will face local favorite Jo-Wilfried Tsonga. Tsonga poses a massive threat to Federer playing on his home court as the only active player to have beaten all of the so-called Big Four (Andy Murray, Federer, Rafael Nadal, and Novak Djokovic) in Grand Slam competitions. This is particularly notable because Murray spent years appearing to beat himself in Grand Slam competitions, but according to the official record, those self-defeats were illusions, and he did actually lose all of those matches to his opponent, and not his withered psyche.
- The Red Sox won a lightning-shortened game at Yankees Stadium, 3-0, as Clay Buchholz improved his record to 8-0. “Asterisks abound on his so-called perfect season,” said self-proclaimed amateur Yankees historian Charles Blumpton, “Much as we were forced to asterisk poor Roger Maris’s 61–home run season for happening over far too many games, and Ted Williams’s .400 season for his lack of curtain calls, and the Atlanta Braves’ 1995 World Series win for having pitchers whose names ended with both a Z and an X on their staff, so too must we asterisk Mister Buchholz’s impressive, yet wholly ill-gotten perfect start to 2013.” Blumpton then allowed himself a smug smile before putting on a tweed blazer and walking into Central Park, where he planned to prevent children from playing with puppies.
- Chris Davis hit his major league–leading 20th home run as the Baltimore Orioles beat the Detroit Tigers 4-2. Interestingly, Davis’s name is an anagram for Chris Davis, the name of a former Texas Rangers first baseman whose weak contact skills made him superfluous on their powerhouse team two seasons ago. Additionally, Davis’s name is an anagram for Cris Shavid, which is an anagram for Chris Davis, who was once considered a lesser first base prospect than Justin Smoak.
- Matt Kuchar overcame difficult playing conditions to post a 12-under 276 to win the Memorial, his second professional title of the year. Kuchar’s performance was all the more impressive as he outpaced Rory McIlroy and Tiger Woods by 18 and 20 strokes, respectively. “Golf is not all about Rory and Tiger, and I’d like to think I’m showing that with the season I’m putting together,” Kuchar said after being asked what it was like to beat the two superstars of golf by such a wide margin. Kuchar was then asked what he thought made those two have such difficult weekends, to which he responded, “I don’t know. Tough conditions. You could ask them.” When told, no, people wanted to know what he thought about Tiger and Rory, Kuchar let out a deep sigh and said, “They probably were thinking about how comfortable their gold-plated beds are. And how nice it would be to sleep in them.” When told that, come on, gold-plated beds probably aren’t that comfortable, Kuchar said, “Yeah, does anybody have questions for me, world no. 4? Matt Kuchar? No? No one? Really? Nothing? Not even a ‘how does it feel?’ for the ol’ Kuch? No? Come on.”
- Grant Hill announced his retirement from the NBA after 19 seasons. His career was as notable for his excellent performances with the Detroit Pistons as it was for his injuries and his road to recovery. But perhaps most notable about Hill was his trailblazing role as the first of the incredibly boring NBA superstars. So, next time you eat a piece of vanilla cake with vanilla frosting (Hill’s self-professed favorite desert) or make a moderate donation to a local charitable organization, think of Hill, and the lonely path that he trod so that the San Antonio Spurs could exist in their current incarnation.