In case you were busy planning the ultimate prank (hint: you need Krazy Glue, a dozen Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, and three rubber snakes), here’s what you missed in sports last weekend.
- Despite a gruesome leg injury to reserve forward Kevin Ware, Louisville knocked off Duke, 85-63, to book a spot in the Final Four. “Man, that’s the worst thing that I’ve ever seen on a basketball court,” said Louisville coach Rick Pitino at his postgame press conference, “and I’m not talking about the refereeing. Zing. But seriously, I’m just gutted by what I saw today. Really soul-shaking stuff out there. And not just the refereeing — I’m sorry, I just can’t stop zinging those guys. I know this isn’t the time. Much as it wasn’t the time for them to call a foul on every play right after Kevin hurt his leg. Damn it! Must. Stop. Zinging. Refs.”
- Brittney Griner and the Baylor Lady Bears were shocked by the Louisville Cardinals in the regional semifinals of the Women’s NCAA Tournament, 82-81. “Can you dunk away the tears?” Griner asked her teammates after the game, before a horrifying wave of loneliness washed over her as she realized she was the only person in the room who could answer that question. Griner was later seen, alone in the deserted Chesapeake Energy Arena, yelling, “I feel nothing!” as she dunked ball after ball through the unguarded nets.
- Wichita State surprised everyone with an unlikely 70-66 win over the Ohio State Buckeyes. “It’s a startling result,” said Wichita State head coach Gregg Marshall. “I am blown away, astonished, staggered, and taken aback by our guys’ effort today. I knew we were good, but this is overwhelming, flabbergasting, and stunning. I’m stupefied by the opportunity that we now have to play in the Final Four. It’s overwhelming my senses. It’s as if a jolt of electricity is coursing through my body. I feel like I licked my finger and stuck it right into a socket. It’s like someone made an obscene hand gesture at us, and it offended us personally, so we went out there and astonished the world.”
- Michigan rediscovered its excellent early-season form at just the right time, destroying Florida, 79-59. The Wolverines will be going to the Final Four for the first time since 1993, when the so-called Fab Five played at Michigan. As a treat for the current team, Fab Fivers Jalen Rose, Juwan Howard, Jimmy King, and Ray Jackson were all brought together to explain to everyone exactly how timeouts work in basketball, while Chris Webber sat awkwardly in the corner.
- Syracuse kept up its excellent defensive play ,smothering Marquette’s offense en route to a 55-39 win. This is the Orange’s first appearance in the Final Four since 2003. That means it’s time for About Last Night’s newest feature: “What Ever Happened To ” Last time we tracked down former Marquette star Dwyane Wade. For our second “What Ever Happened To ” we’re going to look at former Syracuse star Carmelo Anthony (thanks to John Lovett, of Chapel Hill, for the suggestion), who led his team to the 2003 Final Four. It turns out that Anthony has been playing basketball professionally with the Denver Nuggets and New York Knicks since his college days. Thus concludes our second episode of “What Ever Happened To ” If you have an idea for a long-lost college star who you want to track down, leave his or her name in the comments, and we’ll look into it for you.
- The Major League Baseball season kicked off with a brand-new divisional rivalry as the newest members of the AL West, the Houston Astros, handily beat the Texas Rangers, 8-2. “Well, we give up,” said Rangers president Nolan Ryan after the game, “I know, I know, one baseball game doesn’t mean a thing, and it’s a long season, but have you seen their lineup? I haven’t been this ashamed since that time I dreamt I was Robin Ventura getting his ass kicked by me.”
- Despite the absences of LeBron James and Dwyane Wade, the Miami Heat still managed to get past the San Antonio Spurs, 88-86. “Oh, that’s good,” said Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich, “benching two Hall of Famers against us? I mean, we didn’t start Manu, but wow. That’s really good. You think you’ve reached the pinnacle of the ‘benching your stars in meaningful games’ game, but then you see a young turk like Erik Spoelstra go out there and redefine everything. It’s inspiring. I’m genuinely inspired.” Popovich was seen later in the evening scouring the NBA rulebook to see if he could start only four players as a way of conserving his team’s energy levels as the playoffs approach.
- The New York Knicks ran their winning streak to eight, beating the Boston Celtics, 108-89, at Madison Square Garden. After the game, as a motivational tactic, injured Knicks forward Rasheed Wallace reportedly wrote the number 50 on a whiteboard. When asked whether the number represented the number of wins the Knicks should aim to get this season, Wallace shook his head and said, “What? No, I was trying to get that many McNuggets. Did you know you can get a box of 50? It’s only like 10 bucks. I just found out. Fifty! What a great number.”
- Andy Murray fought off Championship point against David Ferrer before dominating the third-set tiebreaker on his way to winning the Sony Open Final, 2-6, 6-4, 7-6 (1). The win vaults Murray to no. 2 in the world, which would be much funnier if he hadn’t done everything he did over the past nine months. Just imagine, though, old Andy Murray at no. 2; what fun we would have had! “Oh, Andy, always a bridesmaid, never a bride,” we would’ve said to each other as we laughed and laughed. “Old Andy finally achieves his destiny of being no. 2.” Oh, the wry chuckles we would’ve chuckled. But no. He had to go and ruin our fun by living up to his potential.