In case you were busy asking, “yeah, but when is Spoiled Only-Child Day?” here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:
- Tiger Woods won his second career Players Championship and his fourth PGA Tour event this year, finishing the tournament at 13-under. Woods benefited from Sergio Garcia’s quadruple-bogey on TPC’s iconic 17th hole. “I can’t believe it,” Tiger said after the tournament, “I thought for sure I was in trouble. You don’t just stare down Sergio Garcia and live to tell the tale. I’m shocked that he made it easy for me. Shoooooocked.” When told of Woods’s comments, Garcia said, “Why? What’s his problem, man? Guy has everything. He has a boat that holds other boats in it. He has a trophy case that is just all of the trophies he doesn’t like melted down and turned into a trophy case. Why’s he gotta come after me? What’s he compensating for? What trouble has Tiger f-ing Woods ever had to deal with? Can we talk about that for a second? Can we talk about Tiger Woods’s hypothetical personal troubles?” When told of Garcia’s questions, Woods asked, “Wasn’t he married to Greg Norman’s daughter?” before winking provocatively at the press corps. When told of Tiger’s wink, Sergio let out a frustrated scream. When told of Sergio’s scream, Tiger let out a sarcastic chuckle. When told of Tiger’s sarcastic chuckle, Sergio sighed. When told of Sergio’s sigh, Tiger fist-pumped. When told of Tiger’s fist pump, Sergio’s lip began to quiver. When told of Sergio’s lip quiver, Tiger didn’t look up from his dinner of truffles and lobsters. When told of Tiger’s feast, Sergio let one tear trickle down his cheek. When told of Sergio’s tear, Tiger turned his laptop toward the reporter talking to him; the laptop had a really smug animated GIF playing on loop. When told of Tiger’s GIF burn, Sergio asked, “Isn’t that pronounced with a hard ‘G,’ like Garcia?” But it isn’t, and when a reporter went to tell Tiger of Sergio’s foolishness, he was too busy watching someone polishing his trophy case made of trophies to acknowledge the reporter’s existence.
- Even with Stephen Curry at less than full strength, the Golden State Warriors evened up their series with the San Antonio Spurs with a 97-87 overtime win. Spurs coach Gregg Popovich was concerned after the game, saying, “Now that Curry is banged up, Mark Jackson discovered he’s allowed to rest him. That sprained ankle cost us a massive competitive advantage in this series.”
- In a Game 7 showdown, the Detroit Red Wings beat the Anaheim Ducks, 3-2, on the road to advance to the second round of the NHL playoffs. “The Honda Center was a brutal place for us to play for most of the last decade,” Red Wings captain Henrik Zetterberg, who scored a goal and had an assist in the clincher, said after the game. “But now? Come on, Detroit is back! Have you driven the new Civic? More like, have you driven a Ford lately? Boom.” After a moment of reflection, Zetterberg added, “Maybe we would have still been intimidated by the Mazda Plaza. Maybe.”
- The New York Rangers and Washington Capitals are going to a Game 7 of their own after Henrik Lundqvist shut out the Caps in a 1-0 Rangers win. The game ended in a massive brawl, as the Rangers and Capitals have a classic rivalry, much like the Rangers have with the Devils, Leafs, Bruins, Islanders, Jets (Winnipeg), Ducks, Kings, Oilers, Red Wings, Wild, Boston College, Dynamo Moscow, Sweden, Mets, Jets (New York), and the Brearley School for Girls.
- The Oklahoma City Thunder dropped a pivotal Game 3 in Memphis, 87-81, as they continue to suffer without Russell Westbrook. While his teammates prepared for the second half of their eventual defeat, Westbrook spent halftime staring into a mirror. As he began to grow emotional, Thunder coach Scott Brooks came up behind his fallen point guard and patted him on the back. “It’s not your fault, buddy,” Brooks told Westbrook. “But coach, I— I— I had thought to myself, ‘Maybe I should get hurt, so they know how much I meant to them.’ I’m sorry, coach! I’m so sorry.” Brooks smiled. “We all think things; it’s our actions that count. How’d you get hurt, Russ?” Westbrook thought back to the collision. “I was just bringing the ball up, and I got undercut as the timeout was called.” Brooks nodded. “So did you do anything wrong, Russ?” Westbrook shook his head, and his eyelids squeezed tightly so that he wouldn’t cry. “It’s not your fault, buddy,” Brooks said again, before adding with a smile, “and never, never doubt that we know how much you mean to us. Especially now!” The two men shared a cathartic laugh, before going back out to the court where the Thunder would proceed to lose.
- Rookie Shelby Miller threw a one-hitter that Adam Wainwright followed with his best start since returning from injury as the St. Louis Cardinals won both of the first two games of their weekend series with the Colorado Rockies, 3-0, before dropping the third on Sunday. It was the first time that two starters were this dominant in back-to-back games since Jeff D’Amico and Pedro Astacio of the Mets threw back-to-back two-hitters for the Mets in 2002. Another fun fact: Unlike the Cardinals’ wins, those Mets games were not caught by a member of the Molina family.
- The Indiana Pacers grabbed a 2-1 series lead over the New York Knicks, winning 82-71 behind a dominant performance from center Roy Hibbert. Hibbert credited his success to playing against old dudes. “Like, those dudes are really old. I was taking it easy on them, because I felt bad, but at a certain point you have to go after these guys with their bad backs and aching knees.”
- The Toronto Maple Leafs’ first foray into the NHL playoffs since 2004 will improbably continue, as they staved off elimination again, beating Boston, 2-1, to force a Game 7. The only time Toronto has previously overcome a 3-1 deficit was in 1942, when they came back to win the Stanley Cup Finals after falling behind 3-0 in a series known as “Franklin’s Revenge,” as then President Franklin Roosevelt conscripted the entire Red Wings team after Game 3 as punishment for the state of Michigan supporting Republican presidential nominee Wendell Willkie in the 1940 election.