In case you were busy keeping a drumroll sound going for 28 hours (and counting) in anticipation of the NCAA’s announcement of its findings in the Nevin Shapiro investigation, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:
- For some reason ESPN preempted coverage of the Monday Night Football game between the Giants and Vikings to show a blooper reel titled Monday Night High Passes and Soft Hits LIVE, a so-called Gaffe Battle in which The Jersey Boys outscored the Lake County Hornheads 23-7. In a particularly thrilling twist, after the Jersey Boys had scored big in the Fumblerooski-Off, surprise guest host Drew Carey emerged to tell both teams that the points they accrued didn’t matter, and that Eli Manning and Josh Freeman would have to compete in a hoedown centered on the theme of “Weird First Dates” to determine the game’s winner. While Manning was nervous, and turned in a lackluster performance in which he rhymed “wine” with “whine,” he was bailed out by Freeman, who was unable to complete a single English word and found himself making guttural sounds and grunts for a soul-crushing 15 minutes.
- Despite getting outshot 34-14, the Colorado Avalanche, buttressed by an incredible effort from goalkeeper Jean-Sebastien Giguere, held off the Pittsburgh Penguins, 1-0, to continue their torrid start to the season. “Look, what do you want me to say?” said an oddly furious Avalanche head coach Patrick Roy. “Giggy’s been great. There, I said it. He’s been really goddamn great.” A visibly seething Roy was then gently asked how his transition from the ice is going, and if he wants to talk about it, to which Roy replied, “Talk about it? All I do is talk about it with myself. I hear it from me all the time when I watch him. ‘He’s better than you, Patty. No one will remember you, Patty. You’re a loser and a has-been, Patty.'” Roy then took off his tie, his hands trembling, and added, “But I know I’ll be remembered. Once a hero always a hero. Right? Right? Is it hot in here? ‘Cause I’m scorching.”
- After 65 minutes of scoreless hockey, Logan Couture’s shootout goal was the difference as the San Jose Sharks grabbed a 1-0 win over the Detroit Red Wings. “Man, that was great. I hope I can play with this team forever,” the 24-year-old Couture said after the game, before looking down at the crystal embedded in his hand. “But we all know that nothing is forever. Especially here in Detroit. And that’s for the greater good.” Couture then looked wistfully off into the distance and added, “I remember when my life clock was white. I was so young. Now it’s already red. I’ve entered my twilight years,” before refocusing and saying, “Whatever. Six more years? I still got a good run ahead of me.”
- Rookie forward Nerlens Noel is now expected to miss the entire season for the Philadelphia 76ers as he continues to recuperate from a torn ACL suffered last season while playing for the Kentucky Wildcats. “Aww, really? That’s terrible, oh look, I’m down 19-4,” said 76ers general manager Sam Hinkie as he played Ping-Pong with his 9-year-old nephew Walter. “Man, we’re in a lot of trouble without Nerlens’s length this year. Your point, 20-4! We could lose a lot of games, hold on, it’s the kid’s serve now. Match point to him.” Walter then hit a slicing serve to his uncle Hinkie, who dropped his paddle and grabbed the ball out of the air. He then pointed at his nephew and said, “This is mine now. This Ping-Pong ball is mine. All the Ping-Pong balls will be mine. That’s a life lesson for you kiddo.” When Walter asked his uncle if they could finish the game for real, Hinkie shook his head and said, “Game over. Now go back to your mom’s house. This is a place of business, little man. No fun shall be had here.”
- Jim Leyland has stepped down from his post as manager of the Detroit Tigers after eight years at the helm. When asked if his age factored into his decision, the 68-year-old Leyland became visibly nervous and said, “What? What are you talking about? I’m 29. Detroit is a city for the young. Everyone knows that. I’m just stepping down for the greater good.” When asked whom he thought he was fooling, Leyland replied, “Gotta run,” and sprinted out of the room, a flashing red light visible on his palm.
- Bears quarterback Jay Cutler will miss four weeks after being diagnosed with a torn groin suffered in his team’s loss at Washington last weekend. “How is it fair that I had to play a real game, while Freeman and the Hornheads end up on Monday Night High Passes and Soft Hits LIVE?” Cutler asked before adding bitterly, “Besides, I would have killed those guys in the hoedown.”