In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- The NCAA men’s basketball championship will be contested Monday between Kentucky and Kansas. The Wildcats defeated in-state rival Louisville 69-62 in the first game of Saturday’s Final Four, and the Jayhawks used a second half comeback to beat Ohio State 64-62 in the nightcap. Also, the NIT championship was played on Thursday night. Florida Panhandle Tech beat Rocky Mountain East 53-47, and I defy anyone to care enough to prove me wrong.
- Kentucky’s Anthony Davis became the first Kentucky player to win the Naismith Player of the Year Award, while Kansas’ Bill Self won Coach of the Year. Meanwhile, Harrison Barnes won Entrepreneur of the Year, an award he invented and strong-armed the Better Business Bureau into presenting at an Embassy Suites conference center in Atlanta.
- The march of the top seeds in the women’s tournament continued in the Final Four on Sunday, with undefeated Baylor downing Stanford despite a quiet night from Brittney Griner, and Notre Dame overcoming UConn in overtime. Man, I haven’t seen a predictable outcome like this since Sonja Henie won 10 straight figure skating world titles in the ’20s and ’30s, am I right, women’s sports fans?
- The Indians’ Ubaldo Jimenez, who recently complained that the Rockies didn’t give him a contract extension like the one received by Troy Tulowitzki, beaned Tulowitzki on the elbow in what Rockies manager Jim Tracy called “the most gutless act I’ve seen in 35 years in the game.” “But if you really want gutless,” Tracy continued, “then you need to get your hands on 8-Minute Abs, the only workout that can reduce flab and increase sex appeal in just eight minutes a day!” Everyone groaned, because what the hell, Jim Tracy, why do you sponsor 8-Minute Abs?
- Kobe Bryant scored 40 points as the Lakers beat the Warriors 120-112. For those interested in a further breakdown, 12 of the points were scored by Sullen Kobe, 12 by Angry Kobe, 10 by Sinister Kobe, four by Charming Kobe, and two, oddly enough, by Luke Walton Kobe.
- Rajon Rondo notched a triple-double (16 points, 11 boards, 14 assists) as the Celtics topped the Heat 91-72 in Boston. The fourth quarter was a bit of a disaster for the Heat, as LeBron James repeatedly backed away into the nearest corner, Dwyane Wade shot turnarounds from halfcourt, and Chris Bosh kept insisting to Shane Battier that he wasn’t crying, even though Battier made it clear that, again, he didn’t care if Bosh cried or not and would rather just stay out of it.
- The NFL will hear Sean Payton’s appeal on Tuesday in New York, sources report. Payton, the head coach of the Saints, was suspended for the 2012 season after it was discovered that his team ran a bounty program. “I’m not appealing the fact that I ran a bounty program,” said Payton, “but whether we can ever truly define the nature of a bounty itself.” He then held up a copy of Heidegger’s Sein und Zeit and a glossy photo of Tim Tebow in an attempt to confuse everyone.
- I.K. Kim missed a one-foot putt to secure her first major victory at the LPGA’s Kraft Nabisco Championship, and lost in a playoff one hole later to champion Sun Young Yoo. “Has the young lady taken a husband?” Greg Norman asked, attempting to sound innocuous despite the fact that he was all alone in an Australian bar at 6 a.m.
- Ryan Newman hung on for a wild win at Martinsville, using an aggressive move late in the race to pull ahead of Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson. “I just started crashing into people near the end,” Newman said, grinning. “Mostly for kicks, to be honest. I’m not even sure what happened, but I guess I crossed the finish line first. Car racing, right? Right?!“