In case you were busy confusing Jimmie Johnson, Jimmy Johnson, and a turkey sandwich, son, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:
- Peyton Manning overcame an injured ankle and Kansas City’s vaunted pass rush as the Broncos handed the Chiefs their first loss of the season, 27-17 in Denver. “Well, when you think Peyton, you think mobility,” said Broncos interim head coach Jack Del Rio after the game. “So, it was definitely tough to deal with being forced to keep him in the pocket. But somehow, god bless him, he managed.”
- Indiana lost its first game of the NBA season as Derrick Rose’s return sparked his Chicago Bulls to a 110-94 win. “D-Rose is going to make me broke,” said Chicago fan Jesse Wilkerson while purchasing a brand-new Rose home jersey. When asked why he was buying Rose’s jersey now, Wilkerson replied, “Look, if the guy’s gonna play soft and miss games, I’m not going to not burn his jersey.” Wilkerson, who once cried at a party at the University of Illinois when someone accidentally spilled his Corona Light, then added, “That’s what fans do to toughen up their favorite players. Men gotta be tough, but they also have to be loyal.”
- USC upset Stanford, 20-17, as the Trojans continue their late-season Pac-12 surge. “Take a long look in the mirror? Why would I do that?” Lane Kiffin said when asked if he was reflecting on the Trojans’ success since his dismissal. “Is it because I look good? Let me check.” Kiffin then walked into his bathroom, looked at his face, and considered himself. Who was this man staring back at him? Yes, there were the chiseled good looks. Yes, there was the unstoppable masculine confidence. Yes, there was the steel-trap mind. But was there something missing? Of course, it was so obvious! Kiffin ran to report back: “I’m not wearing a visor! Without my job, I don’t have a visor to complete my look. So, yes, I have some regrets.”
- Garrett Hartley’s field goal as time expired was the difference for the New Orleans Saints, who beat San Francisco, 23-20, to move to 8-2. After the game, an anonymous note was delivered to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. It read as follows: “Dearest commissioner. It seems like but a year ago that the Sainted ones of the newest of Orleans were stricken with enforced mutiny, much like the HMS Bounty of British naval lore. But now, such bountiful greatness belongs to them. Yes, a bounty of greatness. They have hunted wins as if they carried a bounty on their head. And yet their disposition has remained so soft, as if made of Bounty fabric paper towels. In conclusion, go bounty yourself, Not Sean Payton. PS: You can’t prove that Sean Payton sent you this letter without some sort of source. Maybe put a bounty out for one? Bounty.”
- In the play of the college football season, Auburn quarterback Nick Marshall connected with Ricardo Louis on a 73-yard Hail Mary to send the Georgia Bulldogs to a 43-38 loss at Auburn. “Oh man, did you see that play!” texted your friend Nick immediately after it happened, knowing full well you were driving to his house to watch the late games. “Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! You gotta text me back, so I can text you a description,” he then added, blatantly disregarding any understanding of the dangers of texting and driving, how texting works, and human decency. “Play of the millennium,” he then texted as you tried to put in a hands-free earpiece to call him to tell him to stop texting you while furiously merging into the fast lane of traffic on the freeway. Unfortunately, he didn’t pick up his phone when you called him, instead texting back, “sorry brah, can’t talk, have to watch replays,” leading you to throw your phone into oncoming traffic and silently resolve to get your revenge on Nick in this life or the next.
- Georges St-Pierre won a controversial split decision over Johny Hendricks to defend his welterweight title in UFC 167. Among other euphemisms that could be used to describe the decision: interesting, puzzling, atypical, thought-provoking, noggin-scratch-inducing, shocking, bewildering, infuriating, super infuriating, blatantly corrupt, sport-ruiningly idiotic, fucking seriously?, come on no no no, and profitable.
- Belmont shocked North Carolina at the Dean Dome with an 83-80 win over the Tar Heels. Star forward James Michael McAdoo blamed the loss on Nike, saying, “The literal tar-heel shoes were a goddamn nightmare. What the hell were they thinking?” before adding, “We’re not Oregon. You can’t pull that crap here.”