In case you were busy spending your weekend working for the weekend, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:
- It took a three-hitter from Jake Peavy to finish the job, but the Los Angeles Dodgers finally dropped a series for the first time since June after losing the rubber match of their interleague tilt with the Boston Red Sox, 8-1. “Now seeing Jake Peavy here at Chavez Ravine as a member of our league is one thing,” said irritated Dodgers legend Tommy Lasorda. “We let him in here all the time when he was down in San Diego. But this? This is an affront to nature. Peavy traipsing into our home, as a member of the miserable American League family? Why I never.”
- After a pitching duel between Ivan Nova and Alex Cobb left matters unresolved, an 11th-inning sacrifice fly from Curtis Granderson proved to be the difference-maker in a 3-2 win over the Tampa Bay Rays as the Yankees avoided a three-game sweep. “But the guy won’t make the ultimate sacrifice,” Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said as he looked over his “thought wall,” which contained a number of news stories about the Yankees, large numbers, and cutouts of indecipherable symbols, connected with different colored string. “Look, it all adds up; Curtis Granderson is 32 years old and is set to be a free agent next year. Free-agent outfielders are historically overpaid on the open market. I don’t want to pay Curtis Granderson a lot of money, but I need him to play baseball for the Yankees because otherwise all we’ll have is the rotting corpse of Vernon Wells.” Cashman then pointed at a number of New York Post headlines referring to Wells thus, before continuing. “It all adds up! If Curtis Granderson pays the New York Yankees $63 million and seven of these hypercubes you can see here for the privilege of continuing to wear pinstripes next year, I can guarantee we’ll be under the luxury tax and also in the World Series.” Cashman then grabbed the lapels of his assistant and said, “He’ll do it right? Right? Right? Tell me he’ll do it. Please, I need this. Won’t you look old Dollar Man in the eyes and tell me it’ll all work out?”
- Tiger Woods fell one stroke short of a comeback, leaving Adam Scott, who finished at 11-under, to win the Barclays and improve his Player of the Year credentials. The runner-up finish fits in perfectly with Woods’s new Nike ad campaign titled, “It Doesn’t Really Matter to Me,” in which the golf legend is seen in a series of artfully composed black-and-white shots watching basketball and drinking with friends while other top golfers are honing their games. The ad ends with a close-up on Woods’s face saying, “Eh, whatever, it’s just a game that I’ve already won a bunch,” before cutting to the Nike logo and the new Nike Golf slogan, “Do it or don’t, who am I to judge?”
- Despite gutting out a 24-21 preseason win over the Giants, the New York Jets’ victory proved Pyrrhic on Saturday as they lost quarterback Mark Sanchez to a shoulder injury after watching rookie quarterback Geno Smith throw three interceptions. Forlorn head coach Rex Ryan referred to his quarterback situation as “Jets. Jets jetsing Jets. Just Jets motherjetsing Jets. Jetsing all over the jetsing place. Jets.” Ryan later reportedly texted Chad Pennington three airplane emojis after the former Jets quarterback said he wasn’t capable of coming out of retirement.
- The Buffalo Bills, already down rookie quarterback E.J. Manuel, lost Kevin Kolb to a potentially career-threatening concussion suffered in the team’s preseason loss to the Washington Redskins. Bills head coach Doug Marrone, when asked if he thought that newly signed quarterback Matt Leinart could step in day one and lead the team to a winning record, angrily replied, “I don’t think you do, so you, the stupid Billsing Buffalo media, and me are through. Bills. Bills Bills Bills. Bills.”
- In front of the second-largest crowd in MLS history, Clint Dempsey made his home debut for the Seattle Sounders in a 1-0 win over the Portland Timbers. While Eddie Johnson’s game-winning goal made waves, it was a shortage of craft brews that was the talk of the match at halftime. “No local IPAs at all? None?” moaned a mustachioed Mark Standley to a beer vendor who had just kicked the last keg of Redhook’s seasonal offering. He went on to say, “So, Bud Light? Really? Really? You know drinkability isn’t even a word,” before attempting to order a hearty Washington red in a 2010 vintage. When rebuffed again, Standley threw his arms in the air, looking around as if to garner sympathy from those waiting behind him, before settling on a bottomless container of popcorn after confirming with a manager that it was definitely gluten-free.
- Recently promoted Cardiff City, playing its first home Premier League match, claimed a stunning result, beating title hopefuls Manchester City, 3-2, behind two late goals from Fraizer Campbell. Unfortunately for Campbell, his conceptually questionable goal celebration, in which he sits down on teammate Craig Bellamy, mimes putting on a pair of headphones, and softly says, “I’m listening,” was ignored by the Welsh club’s supporters both times he performed it.