In case you were busy accidentally watching the Green Zone Channel, which only shows the 2010 film Green Zone starring Matt Damon, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:
- Jamaal Charles scored five touchdowns as the Kansas City Chiefs clinched a playoff spot with a 56-31 win over the Oakland Raiders. “This has been such an exciting season for the team and the city,” Charles said after the game. “Having Coach Reid around has been great. Really. Except — ” Charles then looked over both of his shoulders and whispered, “so it started with him getting me involved in the passing game. That was great. But then he started asking me to answer to Brian, and telling me to wear all green.” Charles then said, “look, my last coach was Romeo Crennel. And before that it was Todd Haley. So, I’ve seen some weird stuff. I get it. Andy and Westbrook had a thing, and it meant a lot to him, and I can help him work through that. But it’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore.” Charles then slipped on a Villanova Football sweatshirt and added, “I didn’t even go to Villanova. Brian did. Andy said he bought this for me as a gift, but it sure smells like it was used.”
- Despite playing the best half of their season, the Dallas Cowboys improbably turned a 26-3 lead into a 37-36 loss at the hands of Matt Flynn and the Green Bay Packers. “It’s too bad that Goodell sent out that memo saying teams are not allowed to run the ball in the second half of games anymore,” Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett lamented after the game. “Also, it seemed like the enforcement of that rule was haphazard at best given how much Eddie Lacy ran the ball for them. Hey, wait a second Dez!” But Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant was long gone, desperate to avoid facing up to the unintended repercussions of a prank he thought would only provide him with more chances to impact the game.
- Tom Brady’s late comeback attempt fell short, and the Miami Dolphins beat the New England Patriots 24-20 to keep themselves in the AFC wild-card hunt. “I hope the Dolphins make the playoffs,” a bitter Brady said after the game. “You get those fish up in the cold air of Foxborough, and their cold-blooded cardiovascular systems will just shut right down.” When told that dolphins are mammals and therefore warm-bloodied, Brady went on a profanity-laced tirade, blaming his mistake on rookie research assistants who weren’t in sync with what he needs for his postgame press conferences.
- Damian Lillard hit a buzzer-beating fadeaway jumper in overtime as the red-hot Portland Trail Blazers grabbed a thrilling 111-109 win over the Detroit Pistons to improve to 21-4. “Take that, Matthew Lillard!” Damian Lillard yelled after the game. “Pretty soon I’m gonna be the most famous Lillard in Portland!” Lillard then paused and said, “Well, eventually. People there still watch Hackers all the time. And She’s All That. I think it’s ironic? I honestly don’t know. I do know that She’s All That was ghost-written by M. Night Shyamalan, because I get told that constantly. Man, screw Matthew Lillard.”
- Luis Suarez’s torrid run of form continued with two more goals as Liverpool went into White Hart Lane and registered a comprehensive 5-0 win over Tottenham Hotspur, leading to the dismissal of Spurs manager Andre Villas-Boas. The loss was so demoralizing for Spurs supporters that they were sapped of the energy to complain when their team is referred to as The Tottenham Spurs.
- In college basketball action, North Dakota State was no match for Ohio State, losing 79-62 in the Blackrock Gotham Classic, the first college basketball game funded by notorious supervillain Ra’s al Ghul in an unsuccessful attempt to soften the image of his League of Assassins. Additionally, North Carolina topped Kentucky 82-77 in the first college basketball game funded by Kentucky head coach John Calipari in an equally unsuccessful attempt to soften the image of Kentucky head coach John Calipari.
- Florida State freshman quarterback Jameis Winston was named the winner of the Heisman Trophy in a landslide vote, becoming the youngest winner of the award. “Well, I guess I ain’t the kid anymore,” said defending champion Johnny Manziel, “so it’s time for me to drop the childish nickname and become a man. From now on, call me Ye Olde Jonathan Football.”