In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- Tim Tebow is now 7-1 as a starter, as the Broncos defeated the Bears 13-10 in overtime. Matt Prater hit two field goals of over 50 yards to clinch the game, but experts suspect that Tebow was just being modest by changing jerseys before he nailed the kicks. I mean, have you ever heard of Matt Prater before?
- The Green Bay Packers cruised to 13-0 with a 46-16 win against the Raiders, but receiver
DesmondGreg Jennings left with a knee injury. “We’re hoping he’ll be back in to time to witness the glory of Tebow in the Super Bowl,” a team representative said.
- Eli Manning threw for 400 yards and led his team to two late-game touchdowns as the Giants took the NFC East lead with a 37-34 win over the Cowboys. The loss broke the Giants’ four-game losing streak, and the team hopes it will also break Manning’s thirty-night soft-weeping jag.
- UNC alum T.J. Yates threw a touchdown pass with two seconds remaining as the Houston Texans clinched their first playoff berth in franchise history with a 20-19 win over the Bengals. Yates told reporters he was hopeful that the accomplishment would stop everyone from calling him “Warren Moon” all the time.
- An ugly fight between Xavier and Cincinnati on Saturday resulted in eight suspensions between the two teams, including six games for Yancy Gates, who threw a punch that floored a Xavier player. When Kermit Washington threw his infamous punch in 1977, he was suspended for 26 games, meaning that within ten years, punches will go totally unpenalized.
- Christian Watford hit a game-winning three pointer at the buzzer as unranked Indiana stunned no. 1 Kentucky 73-72. Somewhere, probably alone, Bobby Knight refused to smile.
- Thomas Robinson had 21 points and seven rebounds as no. 13 Kansas upset no. 2 Ohio State 78-67. The Buckeyes’ Jared Sullinger sat out with an injury, and will sit out the next game with insanity after listening to two hours of the droning, terrifying “Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk” chant.
- A 25-yard shot by Ben Speas gave UNC the only goal it needed as the Tar Heels won the men’s soccer national title with a 1-0 win over UNC-Charlotte. “I’m just glad the title stayed in the UNC system,” said nobody on Charlotte.
- Lamar Odom, hurt that the Lakers nearly traded him in the Chris Paul deal, requested and received a trade to the Dallas Mavericks. “Wait, is it that easy?” asked everyone on the Minnesota Timberwolves.