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About Last Weekend: A True Yankee Win

Brett Gardner

In case you were busy going another year without winning a major, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:

  • Despite Mariano Rivera’s third consecutive blown save, the Yankees, powered by Alex Rodriguez’s first home run of the season and Brett Gardner’s walk-off, were able to beat the Tigers, 5-4, and salvage a series win. “I’m glad the team bailed me out. I just — I have no idea what’s wrong with me,” Rivera said as he stared into his locker, in which he had hung the parting gift he received earlier from Detroit, a case containing two airtight vials with dirt from the pitcher’s mounds at Tiger Stadium and Comerica Park. Rivera then coughed deeply: “I feel weak, like I’ve been breathing wrong. Like somehow over these past few days poisonous vapors have leaked into my system, like another team wants me to be sick right now. I don’t know, I’m probably just being crazy.”
  • Jason Dufner won the PGA Championship at Oak Hill, outpacing veteran Jim Furyk and finishing 10-under for the tournament. “Some people argue the PGA Championship is the Jason Dufner of majors,” Dufner said as he held the Wanamaker Trophy limply in front of him with a dead expression on his face. “To them I say, ‘Yeah, you’re kind of right, I guess.'”
  • Stephen Strasburg was stellar, throwing his first career shutout, as the Washington Nationals handled the Phillies with ease in a 6-0 win Sunday. Strasburg’s postgame celebrations were muted, however, as manager Davey Johnson limited him to no more than 1.75 drinks after the game. “We put a strict drink limit on all our young pitchers to make sure they don’t put their careers at risk,” Johnson explained. “Yeah, sometimes that means they miss an after-party, and then the after-party is a disappointment and feelings get hurt. We know the fans don’t want to hear about limits, they want to hear about crazy after-parties that lead to more and bigger celebrations. And with the older guys, we take the training wheels off and let them go until they’re sore. But we’re taking a calculated risk. We want these guys still partying into their thirties, not flaming out before they reach their prime.”
  • The Dodgers continued their scorching play over the weekend, pairing two blowouts with a 7-6 comeback win to sweep the Rays and move to 37-8 in their past 45 games. When asked if he felt his team’s resurgence was perhaps less of a feel-good story because of the team’s massive payroll, manager Don Mattingly began yelling, “Ker-shaw! Ker-shaw!” and flapping his arms wildly through the air. When asked what he was doing, Mattingly replied, “I’m sorry, what was that? I couldn’t hear you. I was too busy Ker-shawing.”
  • Serena Williams handily won her third Rogers Cup title with a 6-2, 6-0 win over unseeded Sorana Cirstea. For her efforts, Williams was awarded a crystal racket as a trophy, which she later returned, citing “a bad history with the Swarovski people. Don’t want to go back down that road.”
  • The Baltimore Ravens bolstered their depleted tight end corps, agreeing to terms with veteran Dallas Clark. “I heard the team with the highest-paid quarterback in the league was looking for a tight end, so I was like, ‘Get back together with Peyton? Sign me up!’ When I was told that wasn’t what was happening, I said, ‘Always been a fan of Aaron Rodgers and the Packers, seems like a great place to end a career.’ When I was told no again, and again, and again, and then one more time, I said, ‘Really? Him? Really? Weird. Well, a job’s a job and it’s a good franchise, let’s do this.'”
  • Clint Dempsey was held scoreless in his return to MLS, but showed flashes of his top form as the Seattle Sounders beat Toronto FC, 2-1, on the road. When asked what had changed since his previous stint in the league, Dempsey said, “Lots. It was like being in a foreign country compared to what I remembered. I needed different dollars. Everything was in two languages. No one was waving the Stars and Stripes, but instead they all had these flags with leaves on them.” Dempsey shook his head and added, “It’s crazy. I thought I was coming home, so I don’t know what happened.”
  • Kyle Busch avenged a number of close calls at Watkins Glen with a win in the Sprint Cup Cheez-It 355. “Thank god I finally won this one,” Busch said as he shoved handful after handful of Cheez-Its into his mouth. “I promised — I’m sorry, let me swallow — I promised that I wouldn’t eat a Cheez-It until I won this race after 2010, and — hold on,” Busch said, tilting a box of Cheez-Its down above his head, raining the small orange crackers over his body, “and it’s been the hardest three years of my life. But it was all worth it for this moment, right now.”
  • Usain Bolt reclaimed the world championship in the 100-meter dash, outpacing Justin Gatlin with a 9.77-second finish. “That’s great Usain, but when are you going to finally settle down?” asked Usain’s mom, Jennifer, after the race. Usain groaned and said, “Mom, stop. I’m the fastest man in the world.” Jennifer then laughed and said, “Is that the problem?” Usain blushed and yelled back, “Mom, you’re embarrassing me,” but his mother just shrugged and said, “Fine, fine. I’ll stop. I’m just your mother. What do I know of what you need? I’ll just stay here and die without grandchildren while you run around real fast. That sounds nice.”